Dear Cecily:
I need some perspective, and some reassurance that I am not a disgusting freak who is totally damaging her children. Yes, I know that putting myself out on the interwebs with my “hey, is this behavior somehow bad and indicative that I should be shunned?” problems is, well, kind of setting myself up to be shunned. I am throwing myself on your mercy and hoping that you will call me “Jane Doe” if you agree with my mother in law in the following scenario.
So, MIL was over at the house and she decided to help out by doing some of my daughter’s laundry. Which is a very good and nice thing to do, I am not disputing that. However, she made a point to tell me that she’d left a bunch of daughter’s underwear soaking in the laundry tub with bleach, since they were stained from menstrual accidents (poor kid is only 12, so she hasn’t gotten to the point of being able to predict when Aunt Flo will make her appearance).
“I told [poor morbidly embarrassed twelve-year old who doesn't want to discuss her emerging reproductive system with grandma] that she needs to wash her things as soon as she realizes that there is a problem, otherwise you are going to have to throw out EVERY ONE of those pairs of panties!” she exhorted me. When I said that I wouldn’t make my daughter throw them out, just keep them aside for use during that time of the month, MIL looked as though she was ready to heave all over my shoes at the idea of such unclean undergarments.
So here’s my question- am I totally nasty that I don’t throw out bloodstained underwear? Am I instilling some sort of filthy habit upon my impressionable child? I mean, sometimes you can’t get the stain out even if you wash it right away, but I think it’s wasteful to throw out perfect decent (albeit ugly) underwear. No one sees my kid’s damned underwear except her (and whoever does the laundry, but that’s me 99.999 percent of the time anyway) and I personally use the ugly stuff when I’m on the rag just so I don’t ruin any of my pretty stuff if I have a sanitary product malfunction.
Sincerely,
Not Mommie Dearest – Use the Wire Hangers for all I Care
My daughter was born on June 7, 2006 – four and a half weeks early – because my placenta abrupted. That means the placenta detached from the uterine wall while I was sleeping, and when I stood up I gushed so much blood that it looked just like a horror movie. There was blood on my sheets, on the clothes I wore to the hospital, and – when I came home – blood on the lovely and brand new glider chair that was given to us for the baby’s room.
I tell you all of this to say: every single one of those items was stained. And I use every single one of them today. For fuck’s sake, those were 600 thread count sheets! There was no way I was going to toss them.
I think you are perfectly normal to simple wash those items and reuse them. I mean, if you throw out the underwear stained by a young woman newly menstruating, you’ll be buying so much underwear you’ll have to dip into her college fund.
Perhaps a better plan would be to set a boundary with your mother in law that she’s not allowed to do her laundry.
So, in short, you’re normal and your daughter will be fine. No wire hangers required.
About Cecily Kellogg
I think the “weird” here is your mother-in-law! Best of luck with THAT:p
Twitter Name: thepsychobabble
I could not agree more. I think it’s totally crazypants to throw away laundry because of a stain. Just set it aside for the next time you’re probably going to ruin a pair. I have PCOS and my periods are completely unpredictable. If I threw out every pair with a bloodstain, I would have to buy new underwear every month.
Twitter Name: ladyjess78
Ask MIL if she’d prefer your daughter go commando instead so that MIL isn’t offended with her “stains”. Bet she’ll wash those panties next time!
Twitter Name: blondefabulous
They are called period panties for a reason. Is her Mother in Law the panty police? Unless she is the endless supplier of new panties, she probably should shut it or stay out of the laundry basket.
Twitter Name: pqforlife
To be Honest, there is no Male Perspective on this. I just know that as long as your undergarments are Clean & Intact,they are Fine! Torn, tattered, worn through needs to be replaced stains only require replacement if they are Visible.
Twitter Name: Yknot
Pretty sure every woman in “that stage” has at least a few pair that have been stained, but that’s what we keep them around for — if it’s really a problem there’s always a box of rit dye and seeing what happens — it could be nifty
Just whatever you do — if you tiedye, watch where you use the red dye –
I question the sanity of any woman who DOESN’T have a set of period panties.
Twitter Name: msmegan
I use washable pads anyway! Much *more* sanitary and environmentally friendly than the disposable kind. It took J a little while to get the idea of it, but it’s saving me a fortune every month, and is comfortable (and pretty) to boot.
Twitter Name: Madyline
From some flooding disasters as a teenager the best trick I learned was cold water and salt as soon as possible – at least gets rid of the worst of it.
And I’d ban the MIL from doing laundry!!
Hope your daughter recovers from the horror of the discussion – when I had my first period I told my mum and swore her to secrecy, even from my dad… guess who at the family dinner that night with 3 younger siblings gave me a bunch of flowers and said ‘Welcome to the women of the family’… I did want the ground to swallow me up!!
It isn’t dirty to wash something and wear it again. How odd to think that it is, otherwise your MiL should buy disposable pants, and we all know how comfortable those are.
Cleaning stained undies might not be fun but it isn’t wrong or weird.
Twitter Name: penbleth
I think she made way too big a deal out of it. Those panties are washed they’re NOT unclean. Has she never heard of momma (or maiden) pads? Or cloth diapers?
Twitter Name: therealneeroc
Nothing wrong with holding on to clean, stained panties. Now there just period panties. Hell, I’m 33 and have a few period panties. No shame!
Tip: pour peroxide over the stain and then wash with soap in cold water.
I am the original questioner, and I want to thank you all for the reassurance. Upon further reflection, I realized that I was worrying about nothing, since my MIL is kind of nuts anyway and usually I can easily filter what is worth caring about and what can be easily dismissed as being crazy-talk.
My daughter seems to have not been at all scarred by the experience of having the conversation. I’ve also decided I will just make sure that there isn’t a full laundry hamper in her room anytime MIL comes over for any length of time (even if it means hiding my daughter’s dirty laundry in my closet), just in case MIL decides to “help out” in an unsolicited manner.
Twitter Name: MamaKaren
Damn, I tried to be all sneaky there and keep my identify a secret by masking my name and websit, and I screwed it up by leaving my Twitter! I would be a lousy spy.
Twitter Name: MamaKaren
Use Hydrogen peroxide! I used it on a brand new pillow case that had gotten blood on it (hubby got a nose bleed in his sleep, THAT was fun to wake up to!) and I just kept putting it on and letting it sit and it (eventually) went away! This was also after it had been washed and dried, but it was white, so idk if it would be good for items that are colored.
There is an amazingly simple solution to this problem that will certainly please the daughter and render her less embarrassed, and will allow for MIL to still help with laundry. Because really, who turns down free laundry help?
Black.
Go buy your daughter two 3-packs of black cotton bikini cut underwear. While you’re at it, buy her black bottoms in whatever is trendy- leggings, skirt and tights, hell, I dunno, my 12 year old is a boy.
Ta-da! This stuff is unstainable. In my experience, the elastic on black undies will die before the color fades enough to render the panties stainable.
While you are at, you might want to buy a mattress cover (if you don’t already one) for your daughter, and some nice, if-not-black-very-dark-colored-say-burgundy-or-eggplant sheets.
Yeah, I know, you can bleach white, but it’s really easy to overdo bleach (especially when you are 12), it damages fabric, you have to let stained things soak, which is, again, embarrassing (especially when you are 12), and why create more laundry work?
I’m tellin’ ya, black stuff RULES.
And yes, menstrual cup (I use a regular old diaphragm from the gyno) + cloth pads = awesome. All my cloth pads are, you guessed it, black, so staining isn’t a problem there, either, and they are so comfy. (Amaz Cloth Padz FTW!) And you never have to run to the store! I think they work better than disposables… but, then, how do I really know if it’s all black? LOL.
This stuff would have changed my life when I was 12.
I totally agree with keeping stained undies for later use. They are not RUINED, they are just stained.
At age 29 I had a surprise menstrual accident caused by being unable to find a bathroom in the middle of the giant Gettysburg visitor center in PA. I discreetly asked my aunt-in-law if she had any stain removal products, drenched the stained undies and trousers with shout (or vanish, or whatever) and flung them in the wash. Later on aunt-in-law said she’d hung up my wash to dry and it was probably ready, I thanked her and asked “did you notice if the stains came out all the way?”. She pursed her lips, and shook her head “no”. I went off to the basement to examine the damage.
I could not find a single stain left on those clothes! I don’t know what she was seeing, but I do know she was probably shocked that I didn’t immediately throw out the clothes and schedule an emergency trip to the mall to replace my trousers.
I remember when I start menstruating several years ago before my peers, it was truly embarrassing for me. I want to get rid of all evidence of my menstruation, so I would wrap my used pads in LAYERS of toilet paper (now it hurts my frugal heart just to think about it) before tossing it into the trash. I would throw away every pair of undie that was stained. My mother… omg… she is probably doing it. She searched in the trash and dug out all the undies that I threw out. I guess that’s good. If she didn’t warn me and scold me for throwing them away, I probably would still do that today. My mom didn’t give me much info when I started menstruating, just gave me a little along the way. Ladies, it’s important to tell your daughters about this stuff as much as you can, and to make her feel comfortable! If she shows you her stained undies, try not to make a face!