How I Became a Writer for Aiming Low

May 18, 2011
by • 41 Comments

Please forgive me for not introducing myself until now. I’m so rude. I’m one of the new members of the writing staff. My name is Jared and I like to make shit up. What I say may or may not be true. It’s probably a little bit of both. Either way, you deserve a proper introduction. Here’s the conversation about how I became a writer for Aiming Low.

Me: I’d like to write for Aiming Low.

AL: Sure you would. How big is your junk?

Me: My junk? Usually between 600 and 1200 words.

AL: Not that junk, wise guy. Your junk! Your cajones, your member, your unit!

Me: I’ll have to do some measurements and get back to you.

AL: They better be good measurements. We have standards over here. And a mostly female staff.

Me: I understand.

AL: So, what have you written?

Me: I’m currently working on a piece on pre WW2 Existentialist French Philos—

AL: Um. This is Aiming Low, douchebag. Not The New Yorker. We’re not impressed by that shit.

Me: Oh.

AL: Are you funny?

Me: Sometimes people think I am.

AL: Do you think you’re funny?

Me: Depends on how much I’ve had to drink.

AL: What have you done that’s funny?

Me: Well, I have two year old twins, and—

AL: We already have a guy on staff with twins. He has pretty big junk too. You’ll have to do better than that.

Me: You mean like have triplets? Or have better junk?

AL: Have you ever shared your junk in public?

Me: Actually, yes I have. At a party in college, we—

AL: Were you drunk?

Me: Yes.

AL: Doesn’t count. Have you done anything funny?

Me: Okay. Let’s see. I once threw the bride into the pool at a wedding reception. That was pretty funny.

AL: That doesn’t sound funny. That sounds like you’re an asshole. Are you an asshole?

Me: Maybe I’m a funny asshole? Is that possible?

AL: Perhaps. Maybe we had to have been there. What else?

Me: Well, one time I shit myself at work.

AL: Go on. You’re getting closer to Aiming Low standards.

Me: Well . . . I had to take a shower and there was this really small washcloth, and the water pressure of the shower was really low, and I had to throw away my underwear.

AL: That sounds like it might have been a pretty funny story. I’d like to hear the whole thing sometime.

Me: Okay.

AL: Why didn’t you tell us that in the first place?

Me: I was pacing myself.

AL: Okay, here’s the deal. Can you write something snarky, obnoxious or egregious a couple times a month?

Me: Do I have to use big words like that?

AL: No.

Me: Then, yes. Yes I can. When do I start?

AL: Hold on. It’s not that simple. Do you promise not to bore our readers with mundane stories about how cute your kids are?

Me: My kids aren’t cute.

AL: Good. Are you okay with being made fun of in staff group emails and in the comment section of your posts?

Me: Yes. That’ll be fine.

AL: How do you feel about us posting naked pictures of you online?

Me: What will they be used for?

AL: Purely content promotion.

Me: If you think that’ll work, then yes.

AL: Do you have any further questions?

Me: Will I become famous?

AL: Highly unlikely.

Me: Do I have to tell the truth?

AL: No. We know you like to make shit up.

Me: How did you make Aiming Low so awesome?

AL: Stop patronizing.

Me: Sorry.

AL: As soon as your measurements are in, reviewed and accepted by the staff, you’re hired.

Me: Sounds good.

AL: You better be funny. Or else we have people that can deal with you.

Me: What are you talk—?

(Click)

And there it was, more or less. How I became a writer for Aiming Low. It’s really good to be here. I’m gonna try to be funny. Even if I have to make shit up.

Filed Under: All Posts, From the Editors, Know Yourself, Relationships Tagged With: , , , ,
About Jared Karol

Jared loves irreverence, sarcasm, making fun of stuff, making shit up, his toddler twins, his wife, Newcastle beer, Tanqueray gin, watching soccer, unorthodoxy, existentialism, San Francisco, poo jokes, the f word, and a bunch of other things, not necessarily in that order, but sometimes in that order. He doesn't like "leak proof" sippy cups that leave pools of milk on the table. That really pisses him off. He writes at Lick the Fridge and other places.

Comments

  1. Jen says:
    May 18, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    Huh, I have triplets. Maybe I can write for Aiming Low. ;)

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  2. Ali says:
    May 18, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    Oh my gosh Jared – this is really funny. Can’t wait to read your stuff.

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  3. Penbleth says:
    May 18, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    Cool. Let us knowing when you starting making up shit so we know when to laugh.

    (I’d do a huge smile emoticon here but I’m allergic, I break out in hives just at the thought, in fact, here comes an itch now.)

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  4. Truthful Mommy says:
    May 18, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    Bwahahaha! Love it!Good thing you’ve got big junk or you’d be sleeping with the fishes or writing for someone like B…. oops,Ive said too much:)LOL COngats on the gig. AIming Low rocks. You know, my junk brings all the boys to the yard..perhaps, AL will give me a chance plus I can be very snarky,obnoxious and egregious..most days of the week.

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    • Jared Karol says:
      May 18, 2011 at 9:04 pm

      Did I say my junk was big? Well, I’m still doing measurements, but since I’m still doing measurements, I guess that was enough to hire me on. . . I wanna hear more about your junk and the yard. . .

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  5. Julia Roberts says:
    May 18, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    That sounds about right based on the staff emails before you were hired.

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  6. Cici says:
    May 18, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    Obviously the measurements were good…now let’s work on that funny….

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  7. Chicky Baby says:
    May 18, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    That’s all fine and good but I don’t remember any actual hard and fast numbers about your junk. (see what I did there?)

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  8. Tara@DoTheseKidsMakeMeLookCrazy? says:
    May 18, 2011 at 10:29 pm

    I think more decisions should be made based on the size of a man’s junk. I’m so going to ask that the next time I interview someone.

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  9. Stacie @ The Divine Miss Mommy says:
    May 19, 2011 at 12:40 am

    So….what the heck were the measurements?

    And remember you can make shit up! ;)

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  10. Clark Kent's Lunchbox says:
    May 19, 2011 at 8:15 am

    …oh, and you’ll get fired and rehired at least 4 or 5 times a month. That’s how we show love around here.

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  11. Brown Road Chronicles says:
    May 19, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    Jared, wow that awesome! Just one thing was unclear though. You asked if you would become famous. I thought you already were famous?!? In any case glad you found this gig… and just FYI if I have to see any pictures of your junk or your shitty underwear, I might have to kill myself… just sayin!

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  12. Moxie-Dude says:
    May 20, 2011 at 6:18 am

    Kudos to you, Jared, on writing for Aiming Low! I’m totally jealous! I LOVE that site! I know you’ll do a great job by what you did with your intro post. Very cool!

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  13. Naomi says:
    May 20, 2011 at 10:44 am

    Hey I just started writing for AL too. How come I didn’t get a chance to review your junk?

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  14. Jack says:
    May 20, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    So basically if you say that you are an asshole with a big dick you can get a job writing here. Damn, I better work harder to be mean.

    The AL crew did itself proud when they brought you on board. Time to start vlogging now my friend because you can only go up from here. ;)

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    • Jared Karol says:
      May 20, 2011 at 5:15 pm

      Thanks, Jack. And, like I said a lot of what I say is made up. . . I like the idea of vlogging. Never done it before though. Might have to experiment with it. . . thanks for the encouragement.

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Trackbacks

  1. If You Can Screw In a Light Bulb You Can Build a House | lick the fridge says:
    May 23, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    [...] (*I’m also over at Aiming Low today–Check out How I Became a Writer for Aiming Low) [...]

    Reply

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