Hey baby, can I sweep your chimney?

Dear Disney:

You can keep your princesses.  I’m all set with the Belles and Arielles and even the mac-daddy of them all, Cinderelly herself.

I WANT TO BE MARY POPPINS.

Seriously, Mary Poppins has it ALL over the princesses.

For starters, look at her mode of transportation:  flying umbrella.  Think how convenient that whole floating thing could be.  Traffic in the town’s center going to make me late to pick my son up from preschool?  No problem; I’ve got my trusty umbrella in the back.  Pull the car over, open the umbrella, and off I go, waving to the other motorists and yelling out, “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, suckers!”

Flying umbrella beats a coach made out of a pumpkin ANY DAY.

Seriously, have you smelled the inside of a pumpkin?

Cinderella must have looked DAMN good in that dress (we’re talking Spanx and Miracle bras here…bippity boppity boobs, people) if she still managed to turn Prince Charming’s head while smelling like stringy pumpkin goo.  Of course, Prince Charming obviously had a major foot fetish and she had those freakishly tiny feet, so it was probably just a matter of time before those two connected through a Craigslist ad. 

But I digress.

Take a look at who Mary Poppins hangs with:  Bert.  Bert is a dude who TRAVELS WITH HIS OWN BAND ON HIS BACK.  He is, literally, a walking good time.  You can’t always understand what he’s saying; clearly he’s got a flask of something good hidden under that cap of his.  He’s not super hard-core on the party scene though; he spends his time on the rooftops of London, so he can’t get TOO tipsy.  He parties only enough to know how to keep things fun.

The guy leaps in and out of chalk drawings, for Christ’s sake.

Forget all those singing and dancing animals and candelabras; Bert’s the kind of sidekick I want.

Of course, there’s also this unspoken kind of understanding that SOMETHING went down between the two of them long before they reunited at 17 Cherry Tree Lane.

You just KNOW he’s swept her chimney.

And good for them for moving past it and being able to stay friends.

Then there is the bag:  Mary Poppins pulls a friggin’ LAMP out of her purse.

A LAMP.

I thought I was the master of packing my diaper bag when my kids were younger, but MAN what I could do with a bag that can hold a lamp.

Although I imagine it’s a bitch to find your keys in.

But the best reason of all to be Mary Poppins?

Seriously, have you seen the woman clean?  Mary Poppins snaps her fingers and the clothes fold themselves.

And then?  They put themselves away.

Tired of stepping on the never-ending string of Legos that always manage to be strewn through every room in the house?  Snap your fingers and those fuckers will jump together into the form of a rocket and then FLY themselves into the toy box.  When you’re Mary Poppins, all you do is snap your fingers and sing a happy song.  Her song of choice was “A Spoonful of Sugar”.  I don’t know what kind of sugar she’s hitting a spoonful of, but I’ll take it.

And I’d call it a spoonful of Awesomesauce.

Jenn Lane Dignan is a freelance writer and mom of two.  Her hobbies include cursing, coffee consumption, nose wiping, and pretending she’s gangsta while driving her minivan.  She writes at www.playinghouse-jenn.blogspot.com and www.crystalair.com.