Like most people who grew up in the eighties, I watched my fair share of Saturday Night Live. A lot of good stuff to talk about, but one of the most memorable SNL pieces for me was Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. Remember him? The peaceful flute or piano music, and a picture of a waterfall or a meadow or a cactus or something equally tranquil coming slowly into focus. The words cascading up the screen and a serious and contemplative voice reading a perfectly asinine quote. Awesome stuff!
One particular memorable deep thought for me was:
“I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.”
When I first heard this deep thought I was still a child—a teenage child who hadn’t delved into the world of sex. And maybe that’s why I thought it was so hilarious.
For years to come I repeated the quote to whoever would listen. I practiced my delivery to make sure it was extra dry, and so I didn’t crack a smile, and when people looked back at me expecting me to laugh, I would keep a straight face, my expression asking, “What? You think our children should be having sex? You sick bastard! What’s wrong with you?”
Now that I do have children, Jack Handey’s Deep Thought is more relevant to me. Someday my children will be having sex, and I might have to talk to them about it. I’m not really worried about it though. My children and I have a pretty open relationship already, and I don’t get weirded out by that kind of stuff anyway. That being said, my kids are only two, so I have about, what? Ten years before I have to have “the talk.”
Or do I?
My son's new ride!
The other day as I was getting breakfast ready, my son drove his new ride into the kitchen and announced, “Daddy, I need poon.” If he wasn’t wearing his pants so low, I might have just ignored or dismissed his comment. Instead, I started to think that maybe my kid was two going on seventeen.
looking like a fool with your pants on the ground
When I didn’t respond to his initial request, he repeated it, getting angrier with each one.
“Daddy, I need poon! I need POON! I NEED POON! I NEED POON!”
I had learned not to argue with him when he gets this way. I’m smart enough to know that I’m really not in control in these situations. Against my better judgment, and contrary to Jack Handey’s Deep Thought advice, I decided that it was time to share my stash of poon with my son.
About ten years earlier than I expected, this would have to be our “talk”. I would tell him what to expect for his first time, and that he should really use more polite language when discussing the topic. And, to make sure he had the proper protection, I rolled his sleeves up, put his bib on, and got a wet towel ready, in case there was any mess to clean up.
Once I got him prepared, I reached into the top drawer by the sink, and got out some poon for my son, and. . .what the hell. . . got some poon for myself. I sat down at the table, and my son and I had a bowl of cereal together. 
“Thank you for poon, Daddy.” And a big smile crept onto his face.
“You’re welcome, buddy.” And a tear of joy slid down my face. I returned his smile and rustled his hair. I was so proud of my little guy. Even if he was growing up too fast.
About Jared Karol
Just you wait until the real conversation comes. Good times, and good blog fodder. ;)
Twitter Name: thejackb
yes, that’ll be fun, for sure. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
You’re so cute… thinking you have TEN years to go and not four. ;-)
My daughter figured out where babies come from (mama’s tummy) when her brother was born. A few weeks ago, I got asked how the baby gets in there in the first place. That was super fun. And by “super fun” I mean “incredibly awkward and made me want to hide in my closet until she forgot she asked the question.” Which is kind of what I did. So… maybe you’re right… maybe it won’t come up again for another few years. But, unlikely.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
Maybe I’m being naive or macho or something, but I’m really not worried about it. Perhaps it’s cuz I taught sixth grade for five years and while I didn’t have to teach sex ed, when it WAS taught there were plenty of questions coming my way that I had fun (seriously) answering. Those were good questions from your six year old, though. Impressive!
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
Good thing you had clean poon. He definitely isn’t old enough to understand that there are times when there is only dirty poon and when that happens the poon needs to be washed. Much too young for that!
Agreed! I am well aware of breaking him in slowly. I don’t want to overwhelm him. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
I am inches away from having to have THE TALK with my almost 11 yr old. There are not words for how much I *don’t* want to do this and this is coming from someone who can talk to her kid about almost everything without issue. Just not THAT. Y’all enjoy your poon now, while it’s all fun and cute ;)
Twitter Name: Izzymom
for the right price, I can deliver the talk for you. Fifth grade, your child? Easy stuff. I taught sixth grade for five years. Maybe I can give you some pointers. :)(I say all this with bravado knowing that I’ve never had to talk to my OWN children about anything like this. . .)
Twitter Name: lickthefridge