Most people in relationships fall into two categories—approachers or avoiders. Andrew Christiensen researched the “demand withdrawl” pattern at UCLA (Markman, Stanley, Blumberg, Fighting For Your Marriage, 2001, p.80), and I’m citing this source only to make myself feel better about my Masters in Social Work school loans. Wow, that worked! Even if you have no significant other, we typically fall on one side of this see saw–or catapult–or the other, depending on your interpersonal velocity.
What is interpersonal velocity? It’s my technical term for the extent to which you approach or avoid. Think of the relationship between the Kibbles-N-bits dogs. Are you the little jumpy dog who bounces all around the big dog, trying to get his attention, panting with excitement? Little dog approaches with a high interpersonal velocity. Big dog avoids/ignores with a high interpersonal velocity. If they walked together, paw-in-paw, discussing their menu for their day–weighing the benefits of one organic butcher’s kibbles with the farmer’s market’s free-range bits–they would prove an example of interpersonal velocity equilibrium or harmony.
Let me put this in human terms: when you go to a movie and something strikes you funny, do you do the “isn’t this funny” check-in with your partner/friend, or person sitting down the aisle you don’t even know? If you’re nodding at your computer right now, if you just called your spouse over and said Hey Honey, you know how I always do that isn’t this funny check in at the movies? C’mere and read this. Just real quick. But it’s funny! you are the little panting bouncy high interpersonal-velocity approacher.
Don’t feel bad, me too. I’m just like that. Isn’t that so funny? Don’t you love it when we are like that? *glance glance, nod nod, smile/question mark eyebrows*. We’re people who need people even when those people would like to be left the hell alone, and we know it and we still approach them just for a sec it will only take a minute can you believe what I’m believing at this exact minute I’m believing it and wanting you to believe it with me ALL AT THIS MOMENT? *glance glance, nod nod, smile/question mark eyebrows*
That poor poor poor bull dog. He just wants to walk, or maybe just sit in the basement and munch drywall for many consecutive hours away from you. He wouldn’t mind walking with his small dog buddy if his small dog buddy would stop pestering him about plans for next August with his extended family and when do you think you’ll know, well do you want to or not, I know it’s only six am on Sunday in February, but what does your gut tell you Big Dog? If you had to say today?
Big dog probably wants to run away from little dog—he probably just wants peace and quiet and a nice fire hydrant to mark. We don’t know why big dogs stays with little dog, except that maybe they’re legally bound, or maybe little dog is good in bed, or maybe Big dog needs someone to taste this flax seed sprinkled crunchy peanut butter, I know you’re full, just taste this, c’mon it’s only a tiny taste AND SO DELICOUSLY CRUNCHY–to liven up his day.
Without approachers around, avoiders would have nothing to avoid—no friction to help them appreciate not having to sit in silence in cuddle position while you talk yourself in circles for two hours talk it out all the time. And where’s the challenge for approachers without an avoider?
God help two approachers that decide to make a life together: Kibbles-n-Bits! Kibbles-n-Bits! We’re gonna get us some kibbles-n-bits! NOW! YES NOW! OMG I CANT WAIT FOR THOSE KIBBLES ARENT THEY DELICOUS? HOLY GOOD JESUS YES THOSE BITS THOSE BITS LETS GO GET THEM [spontaneous combustion, Tazmanian funnel cloud, dog parts everywhere. O. No.]
Approachers and avoiders, we need each other. Yin, Yang. Fire, Water. Maury Povich, Connie Chung. But approachers? Let’s take a cleansing breath and give Big Dog some room. He hates kibbles, and he could care less about the bits. But he loves you.
About Ann Imig
I love this because it describes me and my daughter to a T. I’m a big dog and she’s a little dog and she is exactly like you described here. Part of me thinks it is because she is still young, but another part thinks she will always be that way. In a way it is great because she sees good in EVERYTHING, and I don’t. She helps me see the rainbow instead of the clouds. If that makes sense.
But we little dogs can be exhausting, huh.
Twitter Name: annsrants
OMG, yes. Like brain numbingly exhausting.
**Curtsey**
Twitter Name: annsrants
I think I am an approacher. Did you read my latest blog post? Did you think it was funny? I loved this one. Do you laugh when you write? I do! Do you sometimes shoot coffee out your nose? I do! Gosh! We are so much alike? Can I be in your show? Huh, Huh? xoxox
Crap! This explains alot!
You are not alone. Or, perhaps it’s your little dog that is not alone.
Twitter Name: annsrants
My husband and I are both little dogs. I’m a little bit bigger. But, yeah, KAPPOOOOOF. But we make it work. And people laugh a lot when they’re around us. Mostly at us.
Also “interpersonal velocity” is probably the most AWESOME THING I’VE READ IN WEEKS… ((C’mere, honey, look at this, isn’t this the most awesome thing you’ve read in weeks…))
Twitter Name: Faiqa
OMG it’s like getting a photo of the yeti! A REAL LIVE LITTLE DOG COUPLE!
Twitter Name: annsrants
I was totally like, “Crap. We’re both big dogs. No wonder why we don’t connect”, then I was all, “Maybe I should send him the link and tell what I was THINKING about how we’re both big dogs and maybe he’ll agree and see that we should try to tap into our little dogs once in a while, you know, to be more connected” and then I was all, “Shit, you’re a little dog, Tara.”
Twitter Name: DTKMMeLookCrazy
LOL!
Twitter Name: annsrants
LMAO…could not understand why the woman sitting next to me at Tangled did not want to share appreciative glances and “she’s so cute,” looks when our daughters were all entranced by the lanterns over the boat Flynn and Rapunzel were riding in. I thought she was a snob…turns out she’s just a big Dog.
Twitter Name: HeatherSchiavo
See, Aiming Low makes the world a better place.
Twitter Name: annsrants
Around my 15 year old son, I feel like I’m the big dog and I wonder if he will ever, ever, ever stop talking and “Listen to this new, song, Mom” and “Come watch these 18 videos of 100 jokes in 4 minutes, Mom”. Then my giant mastiff of a husband comes lumbering in and I realize I must have my chihuahua moments. I vow that next time he’s watching baseball, I’ll let him get through one entire inning without me reading a single tweet outloud, because, “Listen to this! Isn’t it FUNNY?!”
Twitter Name: RotaryKat
Tweet reading–it’s SO TEMPTING.
Why doesn’t everyone tweet, Lord?
Twitter Name: annsrants
My husband is the little dog, I’m the big dog. When we finally started dating after months of him pursuing me, someone asked, “So what about him made you finally give in?” Before I could say a word, my best friend said it for me, “Persistence.” I just nodded. But now we’re both kinda little dogs, so there are often moments of Tazmanian funnel clouds and dog parts everywhere. Pretty sexy, actually.
Persistence FTW!
Twitter Name: annsrants
I exhaust myself!
“Honey, come here.” I walk to him before he has a chance to get up. “Do I exhaust you? I know I do but let me tell you, I exhaust myself.” Silence as I slink away.
Me too sister, I totally exhaust me. Totally!!!
Twitter Name: annsrants
I do like to make sure that my neighbor in front of the TV/at the movies is enjoying their viewing experience as much as I do…but I think that’s just part of my female gender role experience (psych major! that degree TOTALLY comes in handy when I’m commenting).
But when it comes down to it – I’m an Avoider. My husband is the typical alpha male in so many ways – but he’s such a girl when it comes to the “we never just TALK anymore” girly whining. I’ve actually thrown my hands up in exasperation (does anyone reallly do that or we just mean that figuratively…?) and said, “so you get to be the man of the house but you also get to be the woman in the relationship…who DO I get to be?!” Being a female Avoider is hard road to walk.
Thinking of all the LTYM cast members this weekend!
Twitter Name: BigPieceofCake
Guess I’m mostly a dog happy lost in my own world till boredom or depression starts to creep in — then I have to look madly about for someone to approach, to check in with. Good thoughts.
Twitter Name: southmainmuse
Too funny! I will actually talk to strangers in the doctor’s waiting room and share bits from the magazine I’m reading. Or look at the stranger next to me in the theater to see if he’s laughing when I laugh. Now I know it’s my little dog Quirk Out.
Twitter Name: quirkout