I can’t stand to be watched while I cook, and I don’t mean that just a little bit. I’m not going to lie here: if I can feel you looking over my shoulder in the kitchen, my only real desire will be to — WHOOPS! — throw my fork in your eye.
I feel like someone is watching me masturbate when they peer into the pot I’m stirring on the stove. I get this creeping heat up the back of my neck, like I can feel their judgement about my generous use of oregano or my flagrant disregard for the recipe’s call for tarragon, and there is no way that I can really get my cooking on, really get into the flavours and find their sweet spot, while someone’s fixing their eyes on my process.
In the early days of my marriage to the Palinode, I was happily frying up some perogies for us one evening when I felt that familiar burn.
“Are you looking at my perogies?” I said.
“What?” he asked.
“Are. You. Looking. At. My. Perogies.” I said.
“Yes. Should I not be looking at the perogies?” he asked.
“No. You should not be looking at my perogies. I am cooking these perogies. I CANNOT COOK THE PEROGIES WHILE YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE PEROGIES.”
I can’t be sure what happened next, because I squared my back to him to demonstrate my stony fixation on the perogies, but I’m pretty sure he backed out of the kitchen and tried to figure out just who the hell was in the kitchen and what in god’s name she had done with his new bride.
The thing is, I can’t give adequate concentration to the task at hand (get it?) if someone’s sizing up the details (uh huh) of what I’m doing (oh yeah, baby), and if Schmutzie can’t get her done (I’m really stretching this metaphor), ain’t no one going to be happy (true, that).
So, my questions to you are these:
- Do you get stabby with the kitchen tools when someone leers over your shoulder?
- Does that extra person in the kitchen with you automatically mean there are too many cooks?
- And, am I abnormal, or is it common to want to cook in peace without the prying eyes of those who might — GASP — have suggestions ?
I’ve always assumed that my need for privacy while going about my business in the kitchen was a common one, but I’m starting to think that I should work on the stabby aspect of my particular cooking style.
Also? My grade three teacher might have been on to something when she noted “does not work well with others” on my report card.
About Schmutzie
I don’t mind people in the kitchen or watching me, but my husband will come up behind me and try to hug me or nuzzle my neck or something and I feel like screaming, “I’m busy! Do you want sex in your food? Do you?” Then I realize I’m possibly overreacting, but I never shake the stabby feeling.
Twitter Name: ladyjess78
Thou shalt not use “stabby” and “masturbation” in the same metaphor.
The end.
Twitter Name: joannaguerra
I hadn’t even noticed that I’d done that. Ha!
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Best comment ever.
Twitter Name: Ronald Mattocks
I am the same way. I hate it when people watch me cook. Not to mention my kitchen is not big enough for two people to loiter in, so if your not the one cooking, you stay the hell out of my kitchen lol.
My best friend begs me to teach him to cook ( he is a newly formed bachelor ) and I tell him I just can not do it, I will freak out with him watching my every movement.
I get a bit stabbity in those situations.
Twitter Name: TheWitchWriter
I get stabby, but mainly because my sister is a BIG fan of the negative commentary when I cook…..Are you sure you are doing that right? I dont think this is going to taste very good. That looks gross! Any chance you are making plain pasta with that?
Generally I want people in the kitchen so I can talk to them, but not close to the pots, pans, or knives.
Twitter Name: 1111111111
It drives me nuts when people preface a criticism with “Are you sure that…”. YES, I’M SURE. It’s not like I’m falling down the stairs or something.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
this entry made me laugh SO hard.
i feel this way about certain people. family or really close friends? eh. but everyone else? OMG, get out, go away. that’s why i never really understood why anyone would commit to making dinner for someone as an early on date. that sounds like a TERRIBLE plan!
The cooking at home date always sounded awful to me. What if it didn’t work out? What if the person wanted to hang out in the kitchen with me? What if they didn’t like what I made?
It’s all to ripe for malfunction.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Pierogies. You had me at pierogies, fried. Lots of butter and sour cream. No onion, nothing weird like that…just potatoes, cheese, and a boiled and then fried–in butter–pierogie.
Instead of sour cream, I’ve taken to using Baltic style yogurt. Yum.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Am I allowed to comment when I don’t know what pierogies are? I see a comment above mentions potato & cheese so it’s got to be good…..
I am so with you on this one. My husband drives me nuts – why are you doing it that way, you should be doing it the other way. GGGRRRRR. It got to the point that I would actually walk out of the kitchen and tell him to have at it, cuz I wasn’t going to finish dinner.
He still occasionally questions what I’m doing in there, but for the most part he leaves me alone now.
You don’t know perogies?! Here’s a picture of them: http://www.flickr.com/photos/schmutzie/5689675122/in/photostream
Now go find some!
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Depends on who is in the kitchen. I have friends who want to learn to make something that I cook well? Super, come on in. My mother looking in to “ask” me why I am using onions instead of shallots or commenting on how SHE doesn’t use milk when she makes cornbread? Get the F#&k outa my kitchen.
I refuse to cook when she is here. I can’t stand the judgement. I was the same with my ex-husband. But then he would also just add spices and crap to whatever I prepared after it was served. Ass. But he makes me stabby for LOTS of reasons.
Twitter Name: BuffiSugarMommy
He adds spices while YOU are cooking? I still remember the one time I caught my husband doing that about five years ago.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Oh, no. He added spices at the table AFTER I SERVED IT. He even did this at other people’s houses. When we were GUESTS at their table. He’s a real peach. And by “peach” I mean horrifying moron with no social skills.
Twitter Name: BuffiSugarMommy
I don’t mind company while I’m cooking. I like doing it, but it’s also boring if the dish is easy, so having someone to talk to helps the chore go faster. But my kitchen has a crappy layout so there’s not really a good place for another person to stand and be (a) out of my way and (b) out of my light. So most of the time I opt for aloneness and the radio, which is a good recipient for insults if I’m listening to the news. This is almost as good as conversation.
I do get stabby if I’m doing something difficult, like working with a big sharp knife, which, coincidentally, is good for stabbing.
Twitter Name: kimsamsin
My favourite thing to listen to is episodes of This American Life while I cook. Ira Glass is my cooking boyfriend.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
I love Ira! Wish I had a radio in my kitchen. I’ve been feeling very stabby of late so I like a glass or three of wine while cooking to take the edge off.
Twitter Name: omahamama
When WBEZ in Chicago has a fundraiser Ira offers a flash drive with dozens of the best of TAL on it as a premium. I always hear the offer in the car and then have to go straight in to work, but next time for sure.
You can get the podcasts from iTunes for free. The only one not available is the current one—you have to wait a week for that.
Twitter Name: izzymom
OMG! I do that, too! Ira totally relaxes me while I cook.
Twitter Name: izzymom
I don’t get stabby per se, but I get distracted and/or flustered. I am terrible at multi-tasking. And to me, sharing space with someone else is definitely a task.
Twitter Name: betadad
I have that problem, too. I forget spices, or add some twice, and I end up having to doctor my dishes back to tastiness.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
If I had one of those big magazine-style kitchens where friends (okay, and husbands) could hang out OVER THERE and drink wine and make chitchat and say things “mmmm smells delish!” then it would be great to cook with an audience. But b/c I have a kitchen so small that I could–if I were flexible enough–stir a pot, empty the dishwasher, rinse the plates, and grab something from the fridge without budging from the front of the stove, I damn well do NOT want anyone nattering on in my kitchen. In fact, when I’m cooking is now my “private time” (so sad), when I talk on the phone and tell my whining children to leave mamma the hell alone b/c she’s COOKING. Stabbity, indeed!
Twitter Name: mannahattamamma
I think we have the same kitchen. That’s probably half the battle.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
perogies know when they’re being watched.
also…get the FUCK out of my kitchen unless you’re A: my sous or B: topless. that’s all.
also, also…this was great.
Topless and kitchens are a bad combo. All you need is one nipple caught in the searing hot handle of a cast iron skillet to find that out.
True story.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
My husband and I have very different cooking styles. I’m with you, while for him it’s an act that results in something to sustain life force. No pleasure in the getting there.
Twitter Name: thepsychobabble
Okay…obviously I’ve missed out being in the South. What the heck are pierogies?
Twitter Name: Janie Snelson
WHAT ARE PEROGIES?! You southerners are sorely deprived.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
I feel so sad for people who do not know of the wondefulness of pierogies. There was a sub place when I was in college that sold six-packs of pierogies in melted butter along with all the standards sub shop fare, and my roommate was eternally grateful when I turned her on to them.
Twitter Name: MamaKaren
I wish my husband would cook with me more often (or preferably, hang out and mix cocktails), but when he does I, too, feel a little self-conscious. Most of the time when I cook it’s a clusterfuck anyways so the last minutes of seasoning are on the disaster side and I always prefer to appear that I know just what I’m doing. Of course, cocktails help with the confidence. *Ahem*
Twitter Name: onblank
You and I have the same cooking style. It sometimes has surprisingly good results, but sometimes it’s got me ordering out for pizza.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
I work well on my own or one-on-one. I just don’t do groups. That goes for sex, cooking and schoolwork.
I actually love cooking with my husband but neither of us are watching (or judging) what the other is doing.
I don’t worry about judgement when people watch me cook, only when they watch me drive.
Driving’s another instance that inspires a similar feeling in me. I love driving alone, but it’s not nearly so enjoyable when the person in the passenger seat keeps pursing their lips ;)
Twitter Name: schmutzie
There is a line of demarcation in my house… our island. I feel very Kate Goesslin when I yell, DO NOT CROSSS THE LINE! But it’s different in my house because my peeps don’t cower in fear on the opposite side of the line. My peeps roll their eyes and keep on walking.
Twitter Name: robinobryant
I swear. We get the least amount of respect in our own homes sometimes :) Nobody listens to me here, either.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
I do both everyday.Cook and masturbate, I mean. did I just say that out loud?
Makes me crazy when folks are in my personal space, aka the kitchen. CAN’T STAND IT. and when we have dinners or parties and people ask to help I’m all, “UH UH. NO.” *shiver* It’s more like being stalked, to me.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
One time I had to push a guest out of my kitchen, because they were insisting that I didn’t have to do this all alone, and, oh yes, I really did.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
I don’t mind if someone watches. Actually, I even bring my video camera in there with me from time to time. :)
Twitter Name: pjmullen
*snort*
Twitter Name: schmutzie
I guess it depends on what the person is doing in the kitchen while I’m cooking. If they’re helping out, then I have no problem with other people in there. If they’re just trying to talk to me or ask me to do something while I’m stirring the pot with one hand, checking on the oven with another, setting the microwave with a third and washing off a spoon with a fourth, then you’d best get out of the kitchen before I beat you with my two remaining limbs! (Somehow I’ve become an octopus. It’s all part of the magic that goes on in the kitchen.)
Twitter Name: TechyDad
My mind went bad places there.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
I’m actually the total opposite. I love to be watched when I cook. I feel like I’m on Iron Chef or something. Not sure what this says about my masterbation habits, though.
Twitter Name: daddygeekboy
I’m guessing that you have really actual cooking skills, though, right?
I should get me some of those?
Twitter Name: schmutzie
The only time I am OK with somene coming in while I am cooking is to say, “Karen, may I pour you a nice glass of wine while you cook?”
That’s not totally true, I guess. I sometimes encourage the kids to help me cook, but that’s because they do exactly what I tell them to do and do not fuss about how much of a mess I am making or whether or not they think I should turn down the burner. And it’s mostly when I bake that I let them in, because they think I am TEH AWESOME when I bake, and it boost my ego to have them there.
Twitter Name: MamaKaren
I have no problem with people in the kitchen. I rather like the conversation.
What I do have a problem with is people – which usually means the wife or kids, since they are most likely to be in the kitchen – decide that it is a good time to ask or demand things from me while I am juggling everything at once going on. “Da-a-a-d, can you sign this for me?”, “Could you help me zip this up?”. “Can you have alook at thes brochures?”
NO! NO! NO! Let’s do some light meaningless chat, you know, some nothing srious, just bonding stuff. THis is n ot the time for me to be engaging in anything that involves serious thought.
My pet peeve when I’m cooking is that I will be cooking merrily away, and a pot will start to burn, so I’ll go over, take it off the heat, turn down the burner, and everything will be fixed. Five minutes later, my mom will jump up and yell “WHAT’S GOING ON!?!?! SOMETHING’S BURNING!!!!!!!!”
Yes, mother. I know. That’s why I already stopped it from burning. Sit yo’ ass back down on that couch.
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