Naomi de la Torre used to be a world famous salsa dancer and Guinness World Record holder in competitive meat sculpting and artistic pie eating before she gave up her life of fame and fortune to settle down and have a family. Now the mother of two adorable boys, she is most likely to be found hiding from the 100 pound pile of dirty laundry that stalks her, eating her weight in jarred cheese, or using a can of Crisco to squeeze herself into her old sequined salsa dresses.
I love my GPS lady.
She came with our van. Factory installed. Along with the DVD player that I worship because it keeps my kids silent and drooling when I just need a little break to collect my thoughts. Sometimes, after a particularly stressful day that may or may not have involved a powdered sugar explosion, finger-painting with green poop, a sink clogged with toilet paper, and an invasion of chocolate-covered acrobat ants who carried away my lunch (don’t ask), I load everyone up in the van just to get away. A mini-vacation of sorts. I swing by Sonic and equip everyone with a mind-numbing sugar infusion, flip on a movie, and we’re rolling.
No one speaks. Except GPS lady whose soothing voice sounds like a meditation CD. “In 800 feet, take a right on Sunset Drive. Then go straight ahead for four miles of uninterrupted thoughts and mental clarity. Breathe deep. In …out…. Yes. That’s right. Now picture yourself not covered in powdered sugar and poop, relaxing on a beach. Your mind is empty and serene. No one is dumping sand in your hair or beating up their brother or crying because they jammed too many rocks and seashells inside their diaper. There is a cool breeze and all is calm and peaceful as the waves lap against the shore…”
GPS lady is a genius. She is my right-hand man. Except that she is a woman. Which is even better. If she were real, I would kiss her on the lips and ask her to be my co-wife. She would know what to do in even the most disconcerting parenting moments. “Gently remove the Beanie Babies from the toilet and plunge vigorously. Polly Pockets and accessories will emerge shortly. Take retrieved items and throw directly into the trash. Do not attempt to salvage. Take children to time-out. Grab a pillow and bring up gently to face. Scream as loud as you like. Repeat as needed.”
If GPS lady were real, she would probably wear a size two, despite have birthed five children naturally without any pain medication whatsoever. She would go home from the hospital wearing her own pre-pregnancy jeans and fix a lasagna. Her husband would smile at her and they would decide to get pregnant again, immediately, because parenting is just so easy.
GPS lady never lets her kids go out in clothes that aren’t pressed and stain-free. She never makes frozen chicken nuggets for dinner. And she never gets frustrated when her children say, “Are we there yet?” for the 50th time in under 60 seconds. She always keeps her cool and speaks in a voice that sounds heavily medicated with Xanax, but isn’t of course, because she is all-natural.
You can only imagine that when her two-year-old has a blood-curdling scream standoff over attempts to change his poopy diaper, she knows exactly what to do and it doesn’t involve threatening to lock any of her children in the closet. If she were real, you might have to hate her because she might be the kind of person that would raise an eyebrow at your snack of crumbled orange goldfish crackers, while she pulled out 100% fresh organic local fruit diced and cubed and placed skillfuly on shish kebobs for added toddler fun factor.
But she is not real. And so she can’t do anything when I ignore her careful instructions and make a left when she clearly told me to go right. Nor can she stop me when I zoom the wrong way down a one-way street. “Take that, GPS Zombie,” I tell her spitefully, cackling deliriously all the while.
“Make a u-turn if possible. Make a u-turn if possible. Make a u-turn if possible,” she repeats again and again, her voice still calm and steady, but unsure of what to do as I disregard her suggestions completely and drive off into uncharted territory.
Naomi is a contributing writer for SheKnows.com, Daily Delights and Momtastic. She is currently working with a literary agent to publish her book, Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip, which is a humorous perspective on green motherhood today. Visit her blog at Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip.
About Guest Writer
exactly why I don’t have a GPS thank you, Oh and I’m too cheap.
I have named our GPS “Hateful Betty.” It’s just that litte edge in her voice…that unheard “again” that follows “calculating route.” You can’t hear it, but you know it’s there.
Didn’t have the same relatioship with our GPS lady, and since it wasn’t factory installed, but instead supersucked onto the windshield, there was nothing stopping me from whipping out the window while “recalculating” aimlessly lost in the suburbs. The bitch had it coming!
Twitter Name: returntoworkmom
I like to keep my GPS lady on her toes and never hesitate to take a different turn if I think it will get me some place faster than the way she’s suggesting. Having said that, if I pass the same McDonald’s three times doing things my way I’ll toss in the hat and do what she says.
My GPS lady can be a real bitch, always telling me where to go and how to do it. Then there was the time she got me completely lost. She almost got thrown to the curb let me tell you. Her name is Doris.
Funny! My GPS lady even speaks with a soothing british accent.
If only she could predict the future. “You will get a new job in 28 days. You will forget to pay the gas bill, resulting in cold showers for everyone.” I could use that kind of help.
Twitter Name: TamingInsanity
Absolutely hilarious! Your descriptions had me spitting up coffee with laughter; which probably wouldn’t happen to the GPS Lady either.
I hate the GPS lady! There I said it. I just know she’s a snooty bitch. She’s calm and collected because that bitch lives in a little tiny box in my car….alone.You can’t get into that much trouble when your world is 4×6 inches. If she were real, I’d straight away punch her in her gullet:) But I do love me some Cool Whip Mom!XO
Twitter Name: Truthfulmommy
Love it! This makes me feel like a normal mom! :)))
Ha! That is precisely why I changed mine to Sexy Aussie Guy. I just can’t stay mad at him.
Twitter Name: mama_pez
Still laughing too hard to comment!
Oh my gosh. THis is perfect.
You sound just like me.
I want to pay, I don’t care how much it is, to have my GPS lady changed to “reassurring lady”
“You’re doing good, keep going, almost there.”
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
If I had GPS lady, it would DEFINITELY have to be a lady.
I wouldn’t be able to take a man’s voice giving me directions seriously.
My GPS lady was kidnapped recently so I find that distance makes the heart grow fonder :)
So Funny! Love it!
Perfect and very true :)
Awesome post. I’m going to work on channeling my inner GPS lady the next time I’m confronted with a meltdown.
Oh, I yearn for a GPS lady of my own….and if she could be nice and tell me my butt doesn’t look fat and my meals don’t taste like scrapings from the KFC fryer? I might just marry her.
Great post, Naomi, and nice to see you over here!
Twitter Name: OldTweener
It’s funny you talk about her voice because Craig just got a new GPS – went from a TomTom to a Garmin – and I commented on the different voice that was talking to us.
Hysterical! I wish I had a GPS lady and a DVD player in our car to hypnotize the two-year-old for a few minutes! :)
The thing that makes me laugh the hardest is actually seeing you making that left turn just to piss her off. The truthfulness of your writing is great!
And meat sculpting!?! I haven’t heard about that yet! I want to hear about that one.
Naomi, this is where your hiding.
I hate GPS fact – especially here in UK when it says things like, please turn around there is no such road!!
Ps we call it SatNav
BNM
Twitter Name: barenakedmummy
Ah – despite this I still have gps envy. Great article as always, Naomi!
Twitter Name: momadabsurdum
Funny!!
Hummm….I wish I had a GPS so I wouldn’t get lost so much getting wrong directions online…hint to the hubby as our anniversary approaches!!! Okay, back to your funny article…wow it was not only entertaining but I have now learned new ways of using descriptive expressions :)!! Great job Naomi. You’re one talented chick, oh I mean lady :)
I have to agree with KathyKates.
I found the beloved mute button for her, if I could just find one for the boys sometimes.
You speak the truth!!!! Love this, laughing hysterically…thank you!
Twitter Name: AnunCommonMom
this makes me think that GPS units should come with an abusive option, like have an angry guy shouting directions, or nagging backseat driver voice.
Twitter Name: Jason Eskridge
Dear dear Naomi, long time no blog, baby. But it’s good to see that you are still in top form (must be what writing a book does to you). I miss you and you are funny funny funny as ever.
Honestly poetic and visciously sweet. And true!!
That was just hillarious!!!!! I’m bout to pop with laughter!!
I smile before I read any of your stuff, because I just know it is going to be funny!
I secretly hope my GPS lady will crack some day. I just want her to lose it and start screaming, “You’re going the wrong way! You idiot…turn around!” I have a hard time being friends with perfect people…I need to work on that :)
That was seriously funny! Seriously!
Give that co-wife the What-For she has coming!
“I’ve got your U-Turn right here on Elm, Baby! Bring it!”
I love this post! I’m always jealous of the GPS voice my husband has named Elizabeth. I call her Betty Lou just to make fun of her. Pathetic or what?
Twitter Name: kvalentini
Oooh, I have the same relationship with my GPS lady. Mostly I’m grateful to her, because my 6 year old has a better sense of direction than I do. But I got an unreasonable amount of pleasure when we put the car on a ferry and the GPS lady, seeing our car in the middle of water, had no idea what to say.
Play ifnormaitve for me, Mr. internet writer.
Twitter Name: IRvGyMrXe
I just need a wife lol-no gps lady.
Haven’t chatted with you in ages Naomi. Hope all is well.
Twitter Name: newdaynewlesson
LOL! Pure genius Naomi! (-:
I miss ya girl!!! xoxoxo
Funny stuff! I am amazed at how many people I know who seem like they have it all together kind of like your GPS lady. But when you get right down too it, all of us humans are just a big ole’ mess.
HEY! I think your GPS lady was in my playgroup the other day ;)
Nicely done girlfriend :)
Loved it!! You’re a fantastic writer & Mom!!!
Love you,
Lynn
Hilarious! Take comfort in the knowledge that GPS lady is a terrible salsa dancer. I’ve seen her dance and she is way too calm and practiced, there is no passion; it is all way too controlled.
Twitter Name: Unknown Mami
This was fantastic! I think GPS Lady knows my BlueTooth Lady. Calm, semi-British accents that say things like, “Call in progress”? Yup!
Twitter Name: in_mandyland
Sadly, I am one of the 2 people in this country who has no GPS lady. Can I borrow her from you? She sounds like a fabulous lady, even if she does insist you do a u-turn instead of making your own path. :)
Another fabulous post Naomi! Your humor and insight never cease to amaze me. Can’t wait to read that book of yours!!!