The summer when I was twenty-two, and fresh out of the liberal arts college where I learned to spout film theory and play “Edward Fortyhands,” I landed a job as an apartment shower. Written down, that makes it look like I stood in people’s bathtubs and spit water down on their heads while they shampooed, but what I really did was show empty luxury apartments to prospective tenants so that they could marvel at how little space they got for the $4,000 a month they would be paying in rent. Show-er, get it? As you might imagine, it looks mighty impressive on my resume.
Anyway, I was not good at being a shower. I am a born non-salesman. When I was a kid, I had the most passive lemonade stand ever. It was basically a performance piece: me, sitting silently on my stoop with a sweaty pitcher, terror etched on my face, praying for people to heed the words of Dionne Warwick and walk on by. So entreating large groups of people to give a shit about chrome faucets and recessed lighting was not really my thing. But my supervisor taught me a trick for getting people to feel sorry for me and sign leases despite my Helen Keller-like demeanor. “Tell them it’s your first day,” she said. “People will always cut you slack on your first day.”
Incidentally, it’s my first day here at Aiming Low. See what I did there? If all has gone according to plan, you’re putty in my hands. And I haven’t even shown you the washer-dryer.
But seriously, HI.
I’m Una, and I’m super excited to be here. Those of you who’ve given birth to me may know me from my blog The Sassy Curmudgeon. If you’re a liberal with ADHD who likes Project Runway, you might have seen my profanity-laced recaps on the Huffington Post. Most likely, though, you have no idea who I am, which is why I thought I’d use my first post to tell you a little bit about myself–specifically, my most proud aim-lowering moments.
1. When I was three, my best friend Salvador and I used to play a game we called Look In Butt. It was doctor, essentially—or proctologist, more accurately—as we had no interest in heartbeats or hearing tests, instead choosing to focus solely on the anus. One of us would bend over and the other one would conduct the examination. What we were looking for, I can’t say—stray He-Man figures? Lost crayons?—but we took our work seriously.
For years afterward I assumed that Look in Butt was consensual—the only thing that tempered the humiliation of its existence was Sal’s complicity—but my father finally told me that he’d overheard us once. Sal was playing the patient at the time, and as he removed his underwear he said to me, “Una … this is wrong.”
2. I had a fabulous unibrow as a child, and by fabulous I mean that Frida Kahlo would have wept with jealousy and that Bert from Sesame Street would have left Ernie and switched teams for me. I know I sound like I’m exaggerating, so I humbly offer proof:
Yeah. It was bad. The Blossom hat didn’t steal focus as much as I’d hoped.
Anyway, I finally decided to pluck it in eighth grade, with help from my mom. We didn’t do much pruning, just a little one-inch space between the beasts, but of course EVERYONE at school noticed (it is here that I will call attention to the unfortunate coincidence that I had both a unibrow and the name Una–suffice to say, I had a nickname).
“Did you pluck your eyebrows?” they asked, one by one, as I walked down the hall.
What I should have said was yes. What I did say was, “No, I was trimming my bangs, and I slipped.”
I did not have bangs.
3. I ran track in high school, mostly because it required no discernible skill apart from the ability to remain upright while moving forward. (As a child, I cried during gym. More than once.) I ran cross-country, I was slow, and I hated it. I was just in it for my college applications, and to offset the post-puberty effects of my daily pound cake habit. Senior year, I decided to make my life easier by injuring myself and sitting out the rest of the season in the comfort of my warm-up sweatpants. I not only faked a fall down a steep hill, I also faked my way through a doctor’s appointment and wore an air cast to school every day for over a month.
4. My husband and I have been together for eight years, married for three and a half, and as a result I no longer pull my pants up when I go to the bathroom before bed, my logic being that I am about to take my pants off anyway, so why waste the energy? I shuffle like a geriatric flasher from the bathroom to our bedroom night after night, and Jeff still wants to have sex with me, bless his heart, even when I’m wearing my oversize Tim Gunn t-shirt (then again, it is a fact that the first thing my husband said to me after the recessional at our wedding was “I’m gay,” so maybe the Tim Gunn shirt is actually an aphrodisiac).
5. I’m currently pregnant with my first child, and I cannot figure out how to do Kegels. I’ve read all of the very helpful literature that’s out there on the interwebs, but for the life of me I cannot manage to contract my pelvic floor without also tensing my butt like I’m trying not to fart while peeing in a public restroom. I got a 1510 on my SATs (for anyone born after the Reagan administration, that was a really good score before they changed the total to 2400), but I am probably going to have to wear those Stride Femme leak-proof panties that are just Depends, but sluttier, for the rest of my life. They say God doesn’t give with both hands, which makes sense–I just hope He can use His other hand to catch my prolapsed vagina before it falls on the floor of the subway.
Now there’s a mental image you won’t be able to kick for awhile. You are welcome! Maybe I am a good shower after all.
About Una LaMarche
Add 6. Wrote first-ever post for Aiming Low by recycling Una’s Greatest Hits.
Kidding. Love you, and love these stories. They make me giggle every single time I read them.
-one of those ADHD liberals who has been obsessed with you since your very first ProjRun recap and still reads your blog daily.
It’s not recycling… these people don’t know me yet! Thanks for knowing my canon of humiliating memories well enough to shame me, though.
Twitter Name: sassycurmudgeon
That stuff’s a badge of honor around these parts! Didn’t mean to shame. Plus, it’s practically Earth Day. Recycling is cool.
Oh, you know I’m not really mad, right? And yes, I sometimes forget about cans and bottles but I always recycle my childhood traumas… also, sometimes, underpants, if it’s laundry day.
Twitter Name: sassycurmudgeon
I figured, but you can never be too safe on the internet. I blame Al Gore.
If I didn’t already adore you, the aircast would have cinched the deal.
Twitter Name: debontherocks
The adoration is mutual. As for the aircast, I still have it somewhere, just in case someone asks me to join their intramural soccer league.
Twitter Name: sassycurmudgeon
Oh thank you, jesus! The world needs more unabrows and “look in butt.” There are few things more beautiful than awkward childhood photos.
Twitter Name: AmandaLGalloway
Well, then, I have a whole closet full of beautiful mementos that I have never gotten around to burning. And thanks for thanking Jesus for me. I hope he knows who I am because I always preface his name with the words “sweet” and “fancy.”
Twitter Name: sassycurmudgeon
i love the blossom hat. awesome post. of course, now i have visions of prolapsed vaginas, tim gunn, and you waddling around with your pants around your ankles dancing in my head.
fyi, i do the same thing. i’m about to take the pants off, why waste time and energy pulling them up? i routinely kick them off with a flourish at the bathroom door, and always miss the laundry hamper.
Twitter Name: stephgas
Thank you! And your flourish just adds to the majesty of that move.
Twitter Name: sassycurmudgeon
Great post, Una! As someone who also once possessed regrettable eyebrows well into high school (not a unibrow, but brows in need of some SERIOUS grooming), I can sympathize.
(Seriously, why did NO ONE tell me about the wonders of the eyebrow tweezer before then? Did they hate me THAT MUCH?)
What were we talking about? Oh yeh….very funny post, thanks for sharing! Looking forward to reading your next post!
Trish, I feel your pain. My mom and dad made me think I was beautiful just the way I was, which was a cruel, cruel lie. Thanks for the support–if Aiming Low ever lets me post again, I look forward to writing it!
Twitter Name: sassycurmudgeon
Una is sooo popular.
Twitter Name: jscottmoore
It’s because of the Blossom hat. In my opinionation.
Twitter Name: sassycurmudgeon
Welcome aboard Una. Don’t worry about the kegels. They now have a surgery where they can go inside and tighten everything back up.
And I love the Blossom hat :)
Twitter Name: ascapecodturns
Thanks! That sounds painful, but better than strenth-training my vag (a fellow Aiming Low-er told me to train myself to insert a tampon without using my hands… if I could do that, I’d be in a completely different profession.)
Twitter Name: sassycurmudgeon
Yeah, if you could do that you would be in the circus! Ugh!
Twitter Name: ascapecodturns
So nice to meet ya! You have me cracking up and I’m TOTALLY impressed by your SAT score!
Twitter Name: ChristiS
Thank you! I can no longer do basic math or spell most words longer than six letters without using Google, so don’t be too impressed.
Twitter Name: sassycurmudgeon
Thank you for the image that won’t leave my head,..not the prolapsed vagina thing,..the NYC subway! Get writing Una..remember, you’re writing for two now!
Confession: The baby actually wrote this… I’m making him/her do the heavy lifting while I catch up on Grey’s Anatomy.
Twitter Name: sassycurmudgeon
Great post, kegels are easy just squeeze like you’re trying to not wet your pants…oh wait you haven’t had the baby yet, your bladder is still a functioning organ. :)
Haha, yes, in fact, it’s over-active these days.
Twitter Name: sassycurmudgeon
“I not only faked a fall down a steep hill, I also faked my way through a doctor’s appointment and wore an air cast to school every day for over a month.”
If I wasn’t already a fan of yours, that would’ve done it right there. Una – you are my hero!
Thanks! I wish my parents found that story half as charming as you do.
Twitter Name: sassycurmudgeon
You are one of my daily must reads (you and the obits because I have a perverse need to rate the deaths importance based on how it happened).
I didn’t have unibrow but I had the most horrid hair legs until 9th grade as well as a snaggle tooth. Why are our parent so blinded by their love??? A razor and a visit to the dentist! Is it so much to ask for???
Welcome!
I never did Kegels (three pregnancies, although only one resulted in labor and delivery), and have yet to wet myself badly enough for it to be an issue. Pretty much for the same reason you stated- I couldn’t isolate the peeing muscles from the ass muscles, so the exercise would have been worthless anyway.
If I tried to waddle into the bedroom with my pants down after I peed, I would trip and break my face. Imagine explaining that to the ER docs! I just leave my pants on the bathroom floor and retrieve them the next morning when I take my shower.
Twitter Name: MamaKaren
Unaaaaa, you are vaginas down the funniest person on the Internet. Oh and when I wrote vaginas my spell check changed it to cabina. Rightttttt.
Well.. if it’s any consolation at all, I think it’s the size of the baby more than the kegel ability. I say this as someone who is beyond kick ass at kegels, seriously, I could tell you crazy stories you wouldn’t believe, but who had a ten pound second child who apparently tried to take my insides out with him. No, really. I have three prolapses – bladder, uterus, and [rather not say but I'm sure you can guess]. Enjoy the pregnancy! ;)
Twitter Name: birdiesaysok
I’m much classier than you. I just don’t rezip after my bedtime pee.
Una, yet again, you have made me spurt hot chocolate out of my nose. My nostril hairs are singed, but I don’t care … anything to read your blogs. Love it. Cheers.
Twitter Name: staziaw
Unes! One day, when we finally meet in person, I’m going to have a really hard time resisting the urge to french you & then put you in my pocket.
Your intro is perfectly you. Can’t wait to see what kind of beautiful, fucked up shit you come up with next. XOXO
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
I used to have that hat! I love it, and am happy I have yet another place to get my laugh on. On a side note, for a while my “wordfromthehome” profession was market researcher. I went to one about prolapsed lady parts. They were looking for opinions about a new product called Vaguvination. I wonder if it every hit the market.
Twitter Name: kadeeshaw
Una- You are too funny. I just had a baby (well, 9 months ago) and it is going to be fun following your pregnancy.
Tara
Okay so I didn’t have the Unabrow…. Does a wart nose count? Great post Una….
Twitter Name: TheWackyExWife
SO not recycled!!!!!! I ready you daily and loved this. Perfect intro you-na. Witty and hilarious as always.
As someone who reads your blog every day and still wants more, I am so glad to have another Una-outlet. Good luck with your vagina!
Holy cow – that eyebrow can not be real!!!
My kids have monobrows and I’ve been plucking them since forever.
:)
Twitter Name: WhoaMumma
I wish I could extend you a warm welcome, but you seem to be missing the point of this organization. In the future, please try to not be so funny. It makes the rest of us feel bad about ourselves.
We are called “Aiming Low,” not “Raising the Bar.”
Thank you.
I will follow you wherever thou goest on the Interwebs, Una. In the most non-creepy way possible. BTW – you were wearing the Blossom hat completely non-ironically, weren’t you? That makes it even funnier.
Twitter Name: zeromusings
Just as I suspected, I am both summarily and exquisitely proud. I also laughed out loud, so add entertained to this list. I LOVE the photo. It alone was worth a side journey from Sassy to here. That sounds rather poetic.
You’re welcome.
Twitter Name: Fargs77
Oh, she is funny.
SO funny.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Whoa…hold the phone…they have slutty leak-proof panties? FINALLY!
Also, welcome to the mothership of irreverence and low standards. We’re so happy to have you :)
(Wait, wait…we’re not happy to have you because we have low standards. That came out all wrong. Shutting up now.)
Twitter Name: Izzymom
Kegels are overrated, you want Squats.
Do you remember Six, Blossom’s friend? She talked really fast and was super short? I loved her.
And seriously, why do parents act like tweezers are only for adults? I mean, we’re not talking about an IUD or margaritas. Maybe they’re worried we’d poke ourselves in the eye or something.
Twitter Name: DTKMMeLookCrazy
How I can not love someone who inadvertently married a gay man? Welcome!
I, too, do the half-naked geriatric shuffle. It’s totally hot because of the “naked” part. They don’t see the rest of it. True story.
Twitter Name: msmegan
How have I not known you thus far?We are kindred spirits.I too, of Hispanic origins, sported the Frida Kahlo special. I made Greek boys envious of my hair production.LOVED this post and oh how I would have faked a running injury, I abhor running..almost as much as I detest peeps!LOL Can’t wait to read more from you.
Twitter Name: Truthfulmommy