How to Pay Way Too Much for Internet

Until two weeks ago, I was living cable free. Sounds all anti-establishment of me… especially when you read the post where I was smoking out at church. But then I explain that it was due to lack of payment and absconding with cable company property, so…

Anyway.

For the previous six months, I was limping along on what felt like dial-up. I used a Mi-Fi through my Verizon account. I used to only need it for travel, which it was perfect for, but when I had it hooked up to my desktop with too much work to do, it felt like riding a bike on the freeway: Eventually I got to my destination, but it was slow and painful. Not only was it slow and painful, but I couldn’t go over 5G without getting charged extra. That should be plenty of gigs for the average net user, but my above average use (streaming, tweeting, posting, reading…) would cost me sometimes $25 – 50 more per month.

To save on my bill, I spent too much time at places that falsely advertised free wi-fi.

Well, that’s not completely true. The wi-fi itself is free. But instead of saving, I was going broke!

It seemed like a good idea at first. Not only did I keep under the allotted amount of usage on my Mi-Fi, I got to be around other people, which really energizes me and makes it feel like I’m really working. I found quite a few places that magnanimously let me use their internet, sit in their comfy chairs, and plug into their walls for hours. All I had to do was pay too much for coffee and food.

Here’s what would end up happening.

I innocently walked into my free wi-fi spot, like a lamb to the slaughter. I would scope out a spot near an outlet, drop off the lappie to claim my space away from the noise of annoying conversations, then head to the counter to order my coffee. That’s when my inside voice would scream:

“Only coffee. No overpriced breakfast today, Sugar!”

But when the coffee dude at the counter asked if I’d like some breakfast with my Americano, my stomach would inevitably betray me with a loud, embarrassing grumble. Damn you, stomach!!! I calculate the amount of work I’ll need to do and how long I’ll be at the coffee shop, and rationalize getting a breakfast bagel with eggs, cheese, sausage… very low fat, I’m sure.

“That’ll be $9.”

Holy…

I’d grab my coffee and overpriced breakfast bagel, head back to my comfy chair, and sink in to get some work done. Inevitably, the annoying people parked themselves closer to me, yammering on about inane ridiculousness. Yep… feels just like being at work.

Sometimes, I had so much work to do that I didn’t realize how long I’d been sitting next to the inane conversators at my comfy spot with my “free” wi-fi until the loud, embarrassing roar from my stomach reminded me it was possibly lunch time. For a split second, I’d think about the sandwich I could make at home for just pennies that had already been spent, but then I’d rationalize buying lunch because I had too much to do before picking up the kids or some other reason.

I’d head to the counter for more noms and attitude.

“I’ll have another coffee, the sandwich special, no sprouts, and a cup of soup.”

The surly hipster with tattoos and piercings rings up my order.

“That’ll be $11.”

So now I’m at $20 for my free wi-fi. I hand over payment and, as usual, promise myself to eat at home for the rest of the week. It’s an empty promise, I know. I’ll be back there or any other of my free wi-fi spots at least two more times that week. I tell myself I am more productive when I’m around other people and the mi-fi at home is soooo sloooooww and the pastries at the coffee shops are sooooo gooood!

I finally came to my senses one morning when I went to get a pat of butter for my scone. That little pat of butter was the last straw. As the hipster at the counter handed me my little square of butter, he says, “That’ll be a quarter.”

I looked hipster coffee dude right in his stink eye and said, “Are you serious?”

Through his smelly looking beard, he says, “Yeah.”

I glanced down at the silver choker shaped like a snake sitting around his neck, then back up at his stink eye, then at the most expensive pat of butter ever, then back at his stink eye…

I pulled a quarter out of my pocket and handed it over to smelly hipster coffee dude, did a little mental math, and realized I could have paid my past due cable bill three times over by now.

I stayed home the rest of that week and then the next. I finally got my cable bill paid and turned my high speed internet back on. Finally! I can be more productive right from my own home!!

I still go sit at coffee shops to work, using their not-so-free wi-fi, but not nearly as much as I used to. Thankfully, I’m spending a lot less, and (go figure) I’ve lost a few pounds, too!

But now I’m streaming way too many movies…

Do you hear that? That’s the sound of productivity coming to a screeching halt!