My husband seems to have a physical disability that makes him incapable of hearing his alarm clock.
Unfortunately, he repeatedly turns down my suggestions of sleeping in separate bedrooms, so his problem becomes my problem every damn morning at about 5:00 am.
Oh, your poor husband! He has to get up for work at 5:00 am!
No, actually, he does not. He has to get up for work at about 6:00 am. For those of you keeping track at home, that’s one full hour before 5:00 am. Thanks to his selective hearing impairment, that’s one full hour of his alarm going off and waking me up, because I do not have an alarm-clock-blocking hearing impairment.
I, for the record, work for myself from home and do not have to be awake anywhere even remotely close to 5 o-freaking-clock.
He sets his alarm for 5:00 am because he hates me. Clearly.
I have asked him repeatedly to set his alarm for the actual time he has to get up. No dice.
I have asked him to use another alarm, perhaps one that he can hear. So he added an alarm to his iPhone and now has two alarms going off every 9 to 15 minutes between the hours of 5:00 and 6:00 am.
I’m afraid his death is imminent.
Because I love my husband dearly and do not wish to see him suffer great pre-dawn harm, I have started to look for solutions to his our problem. It occurs to me that he needs help waking up in the morning, an alternative that is personalized to work with his individual strengths and weaknesses rather than against them.
I think I’m going to make a sex tape.
Not one of those night vision monstrosities – the man is blind as a bat without his contacts. Instead, I’m going to make an audio recording.
But Britt, didn’t you say that he has trouble hearing anything when he’s asleep?
Oh, no. He can’t hear his alarm when he’s asleep. However, to counterbalance that physical weakness he has been blessed with a physical superpower: he can always hear and immediately react to the words “do you want to have sex?”
My plan is to make a recording of myself saying those six magic words. I’ll then set them up as an alarm on my iPhone, which I will place strategically across the bedroom. Then, at about 5 minutes before whatever time he elects to set his alarm for, the sex tape alarm will go off.
“Jared, do you want to have sex?”
He’ll be awake and out of that bed* in 5 seconds flat.
IT’S GENIUS!
And the real genius of the plan is that it will work every single morning! Even though he’ll know it’s a trick 10 seconds after he’s awake, he won’t be able to help but respond! Sex – up; sex – up; sex – up. It’s like Pavlov’s penis!
Now, I just have to figure out how to make my iPhone use my sex tape as an alarm…
*We’ve been married 11 years. No one has morning sex without going to the bathroom and brushing their teeth first.
About Britt Reints
Just read the part about you being in Central Florida, so am I! Let’s all hum, “It’s a Small World.” LOL
“pavlov’s penis” was my favorite part:p
Twitter Name: thepsychobabble
Oy. My husband has the same problem. Not only does he set 4, count them, 4 alarms, but he’s been known to let them go for as long as THREE HOURS! Suck and balls.
Sadly, I don’t believe your genius idea will work on my husband. I regularly try to use showering together as incentive to get him out of bed; I’ll even take off my shirt and shake my tits ON his face. Five minutes later, he’s unconscious again. I truly don’t believe that anything short of a taser would get his ass out of bed the first time around.
Now that I think about it…
Twitter Name: MonsteRawr
Ha, nice! I’d be worried my husband would just roll over on to me instead of actually getting up and out of bed( I need to institute the whole brush your teeth thing instead of the “eww…no kissing yet” rule. )
Twitter Name: twinmomoftwinz
I put the clock on my side of the bed. He gets one bump when the alarm goes off and if he oversleeps? Oh well. Too bad, so sad for him.
We’ve been married over 20 years. Give yourself a little more time and you’ll be willing to do it too.
my ex BF would do that. Set alarm for six am and then proceed to hit the freakin snooze button every 5 minutes for the next close to an HOUR!
Drove me insane.
I used to be like your husband. My alarm would go off a bajillion and one times before I finally hauled my ass out of bed.
Then I got married. (And a job that required me to be awake before noon…)Hubs would get so sick of listening to my alarm go off for 5 seconds that he would throw the covers off of me. It that didn’t rouse me from my slumber I’d either a) get a face full of COLD water. b) find myself dumped on the bedroom floor.
My alarm is now set to vibrate and I am up and out of bed in two whole seconds.
Best of luck to you!
Twitter Name: LoLately
Oh Britt, how you crack me up! Sadly it seems this is a routine problem for many of us. What is the deal? Is it that they are not expecting to hear the alarm at the same time every day? Did their mother’s used to gently rouse them every morning with a back rub and promise of flapjacks and bacon? I just don’t get how an adult can ignore the insistent ring of the alarm clock unless they believe that someone else will “make sure they get up”. I have this problem at my house and there have been numerous arguments when the hubs oversleeps because I don’t think it is my responsibility to wake the little princess up! I recommend you get some ear plugs or sedatives and tell him he is on his own from now on!
Twitter Name: omahamama
Mine does the same thing… He has to be at work at 6, so his alarm starts going off at 4, and he finally gets up at 5. He can’t wake up to music, which would be so much nicer for me, so it’s always that terrifying BEEP BEEP BEEP. Which catapults ME out of bed, but just leads to him grunting, turning it off, forgetting about it, then complaining later about his alarm *not* having gone off.
Twitter Name: thezestyb
You do realize, of course, that once you wake up ‘Pavlov’s Penis’ you have to follow through with the promise. I mean – you wouldn’t want to unPavlov that Penis, now would you?
Twitter Name: lceel
This could be our house. EVERY. SINGLE. FREAKING. MORNING.
Twitter Name: StacieinAtlanta
This is fabulous, because I had been going to suggest the stick of dynamite stuck somewhere, but then were are you going to get someone willing to sell a sleep-deprived wife dynamite?
Twitter Name: penbleth
Genius. :)
Twitter Name: msmegan