I know you’ve been there.
It’s a been a pretty good day, you’re sitting on the sofa in your PJs in front of the TV, laptop propped open to check e-mail because, you, my friend, are a multitasker.
And there it is.
An e-mail from the Facebook. “You have a friend request from Girl-Who-Hated-You-In-High-School-Or-Girl-You-Hated-In-High-School.”
Or “Boy-That-Dumped-You-Two-Days-Before-Prom-So-He-Could-Go-With-The-Girl-That-Put-Out.”
Or “Creepy-Boy-Who-Cut-Locks-Of-Your-Hair-Off-When-You-Weren’t-Looking-And-Placed-It-On-Top-Of-An-Ozzy-Album-While-Worshiping-Satan.”
What do you do? OMG! WHAT DO YOU DO?!
I have a process that until now has been a highly guarded secret, not so much in the way that it would make me rich and famous if it got out, but in the way that letting people know about it will make me look incredibly immature.
Step 1: I click the profile. If the Creepy Boy is married, this is a plus in his balance sheet. I mean, how creepy could a married guy be? (She said sarcastically.) If he has a job, a real one, another plus in the column. If he has kids, he’s pretty much golden and is on his way to being accepted as a friend, but only after passing the Step 2 phase.
Step 2: Check for mutual friends. This is where it gets immature. I’m still friends with a good number of people from high school, both online and off. So, I check the person out through a broad range of informal background checks. I will break this process down into substeps for your added convenience.
- Step 2.1: First, check mutual friends online. If mutual friends online exceeds five, this is an automatic accept.
- Step 2.2: I have several people from high school with whom I am still incredibly close who I speak to on a daily, weekly or bi-monthly basis. I will e-mail these people and write, “Hey, do you remember Creepy Boy? He sent me a friend request.” If the overwhelming response is “Holy crap, that’s creepy.” I will defer acceptance until after completion of Step 2.3
- Step 2.3: Call said friends and talk about Creepy Boy’s friend request for, at the very least, ten minutes with each friend. Possible topics of conversation include, but are not limited to, Do You Think He’s Still Creepy, Why Would He Be Sending this Request After All These Years, Should I Just Limit His Access to My Profile, and the very important Do You Think He Will Hunt Me Down, Kill Me With a Plastic Fork, Boil My Skin Off and Wear It Like A Mask? These conversations are generally wrapped up with an in depth analysis regarding whether or not CreepyBoy was, in fact, creepy in high school or whether our perception of his creepiness was due to an inability on our parts to detect the rare qualities associated with geniuses and people who are actually cool way before their time. This analysis could take anywhere from five minutes to twenty five minutes. This last session has little or no bearing on the final decision, but is merely an exercise in proving to ourselves that we weren’t a-holes in high school even though we clearly are now.
Step 3: Regardless of previous decisions made in previous steps, I will, after seeing the friend request sitting in my Inbox for more than two weeks tell myself to quit being such a bitch and accept the request. With limited access.
All in all, this system is working quite well given that my skin has not been boiled off in order to serve as some CreepyMan’s Halloween mask.
Feel free to implement with credits.
Don’t you judge me.
I told you up front that it was immature.
Photo credit: neonquark
About Faiqa Khan
Okay, I am pretty sure YOU are stalking ME because this is almost precisely the process I use when “people-from-the-past” send a friend request. Although, I’m sure that nobody does that when they get a request from me. I’ve been known as a little ray of sunshine and happiness all my damn life.
Twitter Name: BuffiSugarMommy
Of COURSE people don’t do that to us. We’re girl-whose-friendship-will-be-most-coveted-on-Facebook. RIGHT? Right.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
After accidentally accepting the current swingers and current drug dealer, I now run all of my requests through people that I actually I know and talk to still.
I really wish I had kept to that rule… I’m horribly guilty when it comes to unfriending, so it’s too late for me, I guess.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
I think your system sounds perfectly reasonable. I’m just glad I didn’t go to HS with you. . . :)
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
Aw, cut the crap, we totally would have been friends.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
Facebook was creeping me out for same reason. Did I really want the creepy guy/bitch/barely know person knowing what I was up to or looking at my pics? Bleh!
So I have an assumed name where I can keep an eye on what my kids are up to on it and play me some Lexulous!
An assumed name?! That’s brilliant!!
Twitter Name: Faiqa
What an incredibly helpful post! Now what do you do with the “Girl-Who-Hated-You-In-High-School-Or-Girl-You-Hated-In-High-School” requests?
Twitter Name: shesuggests
Oh, I accept and then make sure that only the MOST flattering photos of me are available for viewing. :-)
Twitter Name: Faiqa
This made me laugh. I need to get some more flattering photos of me taken stat.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
With a few exceptions, I accept every request I get, assuming that I recognize them. This is because about all I post on Facebook are blog posts and wishes for happy birthdays to friends. So I figure the more friends I have, the more people see my blog posts. Honestly, if it weren’t for the fact that I get a good amount of traffic from Facebook, I probably would have quit it by now.
Twitter Name: MonsteRawr
Agreed. In the past three years, I may have only ignored two or three of the requests I’ve gotten. And that’s usually for people I don’t know.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
had the girl who bullied me in high school message to call her so we could “catch up”.
On what? How she ruined a good part of my life and kept me in therapy for years?
yeah, no thank you
Wow, she really expected you to call, huh? Clueless.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
I do that, but also factor in whether they are cute and rich. I’m really trying to establish a strong friendship with someone who has a beach house or who can introduce me to Neil Patrick Harris or Reese Witherspoon. Oh wait, does that make me shallow?
Twitter Name: DTKMMeLookCrazy
I don’t know about *shallow*, but it does make you awesome in my book. I assume that my reply ensures I will get an introduction to Reese or Neil, now. Don’t you forget about all the support you’re getting from me right now when you get famous.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
Maybe you can be the friend who is even more shallow than me. That way, I’ll look much better.
Twitter Name: DTKMMeLookCrazy
I have no problem with that. I’m here to serve, people.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
Confession time: Is this how you reconnected with Avitable?
Twitter Name: msmegan
Snort. What do YOU think….
Twitter Name: Faiqa
Very similar to my process, except after I accept them (I always do), if they are creepy I defriend them immediately. That way, they don’t get mad because they got the notice saying I accepted their request, but they (hopefully) don’t notice I am not on their list.
Twitter Name: ladyjess78
Oooh, that’s shifty… I *love* it.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
I will automatically accept any friend requests from hot guys in HS who ignored me at the time and who are now fat and/or bald. Is that wrong?
Twitter Name: sassycurmudgeon
If rubbing people’s faces in the fact that they are former shell of their previous glory is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
HAHAHAHAHA and this is why I love you!
Twitter Name: izzymom
I got a friend request from The-girl-who-slept-with-my-boyfriend-and-my-brother-and-their-entire-fraternity-in-college the other day. I accepted her friend request and then posted on all the guys’ walls how the creepy slut from college wanted to be my friend what should I do????
She unfriended me shortly after that. Problem solved.
Twitter Name: Msbatman
NICE!
Twitter Name: Faiqa
I’m only suspicious of people from high school who are not born again Christians because I’m afraid they want to convert me. I still accept them because I figure they need a daily dose of The Gay but I pause before I accept.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
Who ARE born again Christians. Geez. It’s like it’s my first day on the internet.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
OMG..I totally DID get dumped by a guy so he could go out with a girl who put out (we were 14 years old for chrissakes… *I* wasn’t putting out). Unfortunately, I’ve not yet had the pleasure of declining his friend request on Facebook.
Twitter Name: izzymom