April 2011 Horoscopes for Low Aimers

It’s that time of the month, babies! No, not the time of the month where you find yourself double-fisting pretzel rods while wondering if your should use them to scoop Nutella or commit murder-by-ear-socket or both. I mean the GOOD time of the month: horoscopapalooza! The time of the month when you consult with the swirling cosmic energy that has been kicking you around like a unripe avocado since the very moment you were born under a certain configuration of stars and planets and loose affiliations of millionaires and billionaires and babies. These are the days of miracles and wonder, so let’s go!

It’s also the time of the month for merry pranksters. Are you exhausted from Internet April Fools’ pranks? Lawdy, El Geeks love April 1st. Remember in ’08 when YouTube rickrolled everyone who clicked a featured link? Good times, good times. Or that one time when Google announced you could add subliminal messages to Google Docs?!? Who would fall for that? (I’m still kind of bitter about that one. I really, really, really want a subliminal web.) (As an experiment I may or may not already have embedded subliminal messages in this post.) (“You want Nutella. La La La. You want Nutella.”)

Know any April birthdays? You know whose birthday occurs on April Fool’s Day? Jon Gosselin. No comment. Alec Baldwin’s is on the 3rd, so that might be a good day to review some of Jack Donaghy’s wisdom, such as “Never follow a hippie to a second location.” True that. Billie Holiday’s birthday is on the 7th and that should be a national holiday if you ask me. Best time to throw a big party: Sarah Michelle Gellar’s birthday is April 14th, so gather some friends and Buffybash it, or have a Bewitched marathon on the 15th in honor of my beloved, twinkling Elizabeth Montgomery. Jon Cryer might be crying on the 16th, so you want to kick in a few bucks so we can get the poor schlep some Tiger Blood? Best April birthday of them all: all hail Carole Burnett on the 26th. Oh Eunice!

Your Scope on the Rocks for April 2011

Aries: Let me tell you a little story. Once I started a new high school and it was super hard because I was Australian and new to the country and kind of a goody-two-shoes and all, but I was happy because I had just had this amazing summer fling with the hottest guy ever. Except when school started, he pretended he didn’t know me! It was horrible! And then Danny danced with this frightening woman named Cha-Cha and sucked at sports and my friend Rizzo got pregnant (unrelated) by some guy whose name I can’t pronounce and it was all a mess until the school carnival. Because right before the fair I surprised everyone with my new clothes and a sassy attitude and then I got the guy by saying “how’s it hanging, stud?” And we went through the Fun House, and that’s super cool because it’s symbolic of life. I won at LIFE! That happened to me in the 80′s, or was it the 50′s, or it was a movie? Either way, it feels like it was yesterday and more importantly, this story holds a key to your month, my little ram. Don’t fear change, even if it is changes in your own image of yourself. Details are just that, and change often brings wonderful things. You’re the one that we want, oh yes indeeeeeed!

Taurus: April is your month to receive, to take in and to reflect. Surprise gifts, time to rest, Facebook likes and upticks in traffic, it’s all just flowing to you. When I say flowing towards you, I mean big time. Maybe not you get a car and you get a car big time. More like when Ace Ventura Pet Detective calls all of his animals to him and birds swoop in and beasts crawl out of laundry baskets and bread boxes, that level of influx. Remember the little squirrel came out of the peanut can and then the penquins came through the dog door? Oh my gawd the cuteness. It’s just like that, but less clean-up and no annoying Jim Carrey. It’s all for you. Alrighty then!

Gemini: You’re brimming with ideas and feeling mighty sexy too, and those two moods seem to be inspiring more of each. Boom chicka wow wow! It’s like Sade is playing on repeat and you are Anaiis Nin, scribing away. Buy yourself some flowers and a new Moleskine, and summons your lovah with a loving love note during your lovely love-drenched bout of spring fever.

Cancer: April is a great month for communications and negotiations for you, darling Cancer. It’s as though finally the world has stopped speaking in Parseltongue  and now every previously-weird thing makes sense to you, and vice versa. I can think of a million ways you can put this new found clarity to use for fun or profit, but you have probably already thought of two million, because you are on it like a bonnet this month. Hey, come to think of it, I bet all of this clarity means that you can explain Inception to me, so give me a call, will ya? It is driving me crazy.  So when the old guy from The Dark Knight is there it is NOT a dream what huh? Help!

Leo: This month is bringing money and accolades your way, little lion, and some good health news, too. Better than Planet Sheen, Planet Leo is the feline made of #win. Throw some fastballs of wonderfulness into your protein Wheaties fruitberry smoothie Breakfast of Champions this morning, log into Paypal to get a baseline reading, and get ready to rumble. The middle of the month is your high power time, so work that catwalk before things quiet down on the 20th.

Virgo: Gulp, this month you might need to fend off some unsavory one-way-street types who want to leech off of your bounty without reciprocating. Sadly this is just a normal, small cost of being fabulous, so don’t fret, but do take charge to protect your core. You are generous to a fault, so if someone is exploiting this, you might want to channel a little Ripley–that fierce expert on defeating parasitic Aliens. Remember when she stood up to Ash and his “head” ended up on the floor? Ripley was right, and she was righteous, too. May all robotic losers taking advantage of you this month suffer a similar fate!  May you vanquish all of them while pantsless, as well!

Libra: Are you feeling a little nostalgic lately? Longing to spend a week at the beach watching old television shows and eating sugary cereal and making one of those scrapbook things you’ve been hearing so much about? Go ahead an indulge in a few trips down memory lane–beware, however, about playing a Google version of Where’s Waldo with old crushes and sweethearts. That is dangerous Facebook business, my dear. It’s better to leave that part of your red-and-white-striped-shirt-past in the past. How about sticking with the TV reruns instead? They can make you feel almost as young and warm and tingly inside. Here, try this: how many themes can you name:

Scorpio: The full moon on the 20th might make for a doozy of an emotional end-of-month for you, but it also might inspire you to straighten up some messes, so tell those around you to buckle their seatbelts. You mean business. Release the Kraken kind of business. Take no prisoners kind of business. Show me the money kind of business. Al Pacino shouting Whoo ah kind of business. Dang, that’s the way, I’m shaking, and I’m way over here. Show them who’s boss, baby, and I don’t mean Tony Danza.

Sagittarius: There is heavy bling in your constellations this month, playah. The soundtrack for your month is definitely It’s All About the Benjamins heavy. Very Cash Rules Everything Around Me. Very Money, Power, Repect. Is it money in or money out, or both? No worries, as the mighty, mighty Oracle of Doritos says, spend all you want, we’ll make more.

Capricorn:Home is calling your attention now. You feel like overbuying a pallet full of flatpack at IKEA, even though you know you hate those freaking special wrenches because they make you cry and stress-eat Swedish fish. But you can’t help it, it’s astrological, you are craving cool vintage things for your shelves and fresh non-vintage fabrics for your bed. In fact you kind of feel like posting an ad on Craigslist that says “whole house of stuff for sale, name your price.” And then maybe those terminally goofy but oddly sexually-appealing dudes from American Pickers will show up and find some treasures in your attic and you’ll score some cash dollars. Which will come in handy at IKEA. Ah, the circle of life. And speaking of circles: meatballs!

Aquarius: Ah, bliss. April is yours, pretty one. Smooth sailing, nothing but air. It’s as if you are the real Balloon Boy–like what if instead of hiding in the attic like his father told him, Balloon Boy had actually hijacked the balloon, and that he really flew off to wild, wonderful lands far, far away from that creepy family and the ensuing uncomfortable interview shows? Freedom! What if? Be a better Balloon Boy! Fly, Aquarius Balloon Boy, fly!

Pisces: R-E-S-P-E-C-T. It’s comin’ your way. Recognition, baby, and it’s about time. It’s looking like you are going to 1) buy a beret, and, 2) stand in the middle of a busy intersection and throw it in the air, Mary Tyler Moore style. Please, you know, be careful and all, because if you get hit be a car we’ll all have to make soup and that sounds like a lot of work no one wants to do. NO ON WANTS TO HAVE TO MAKE SOUP. But go for it otherwise. Here’s your mantra for April: Well it’s you girl, and you should know it, with each glance and every little movement you show it! You’re going to make it after all! Just don’t make us make soup.

What do you think? Are the stars on your side? Even if they aren’t, I am, promise. It’s you, me, Jon Cryer and 2-and-a-half Nutella jars against the world.

Don’t worry, we’ll give him the and-a-half jar!