Today I feel sorry for myself. Today, I envy mothers who are married and get to see their kids everyday. I don’t care how shitty their relationship is with their spouses, at the end of the day, every day, they get to see their kids and I don’t.
I have been divorced for six plus years now. This morning I lost my temper with my daughter. Why? Because I have been sick as a dog and I lost my patience over something stupid, although it did involve her whining…just saying.
I then had to drive my kid to school and will now not see her until Friday at 6:30pm when I pick her up from gymnastics. The reason being because she will be spending the time between now and then at school, and at her father’s house.
So now I sit here and I live with the guilt. Whose “fault’ is this? Mine. All mine. I married someone I didn’t love or respect and now I’m paying the price for it. Do I regret my decision? No. Do I think her life would have been better had we stayed married? Absolutely not.
Yet, today, none of that matters. Today, I have to live knowing that I got upset with my kid and there is nothing I can do about it until FRIDAY NIGHT. Sure, I can call her, but the girl is 7.5 years old and did I mention, she hates talking on the phone? Never mind the discomfort, to say the least, of knowing that my ex husband will be privy to what happened this morning giving him more “evidence” that I am the crazy person he always labeled me as being and, I am afraid, will one day use this against me in court as a way to get more custody.
Now am I crazy? Sure I am. I live in L.A., I’m trying to make a living as a blogger/writer/actress and I haven’t had a housekeeper in 2plus years. So, yeah, I’m fucking nuts. But am I the kind of nuts that makes me an unfit mother? No, No, I am not.
I’m human, I know that and to be sure, as a mother, I have my good moments, but If I had a dollar for every time I told myself that from now on I’m going do “blank” or not do “blank” when it comes to my kid, I’d be writing you this from my Chateau on Lake Como, Italy. That would be the one right next door to George Clooney whom I once ran into while leaving a restaurant and where I ended up shoving my then husband into a parking meter so I could tell George how much I loved his films and where for that one moment, I genuinely believed it was the first time any one had ever told him that.
I don’t know, perhaps those types of delusions amongst my many others ie: I could get into Harvard because of all the pot I smoked, are what led me to think I could be a great mom in the first place. I have no idea. But what I do know is that today, I’m no longer deluded. I’m aware of all the good, the bad and the ugly that surrounds divorce and today, I just happen to be experiencing two out of the three and good ain’t one of them.
About Jessica Bern
I love this. I think we all have moments like this, and I hate that you don’t get to make it right until Friday at 6:30. You’re right to be angry about that one, I’d say. Thankfully, children have blissfully short memories. . .
Sorry you are having a shitty day! Divorce is awful, even when it is for the best. Eat chocolate, drink wine, watch 16 & Pregnant and remember what an awesome mom you are!
Twitter Name: robinobryant
(((Hugs))) to you Jessica. My heart breaks for you, but know that you will see her on Friday and that you can spend all weekend making it up to her.
Twitter Name: DExtraordinaire
It’s hard, it’s hard. Your daughter is so lucky to have a mom who reflects and who feels things so deeply.
Twitter Name: debontherocks
I agree. Think of the Mom’s out there that do worse to their kids on a daily basis and think nothing of it.
We all have our moments, trust me. I am sure it is already water under the bridge for her and she will be happy as hell to see you Friday night.
Sorry about your episode. It’s so hard when there’s the physical separation. Rather than dwell on all the bad that you’ve done, why not use your energy to recognize the strength it takes to leave a marriage (no matter how awful) and make it as a single mother. I’ve met plenty of women who remain in unions where they’re miserable, but don’t have the courage to leave.
You can also make good by modeling to your daughter how you made a mistake, and speak to her authentically about how you felt after. She may regret some of her actions with either parent, and then is left with her feelings until the next custody change, as well…? As long as you keep it within a developmentally appropriate level and respect boundaries, you can’t go wrong with honesty.
Thanks for sharing, and giving a voice to countless parents experiencing the same thing.
Twitter Name: talktherapybiz
Sorry Jessica :(
Maybe you could sneak into school tomorrow morning and give her a kiss? But since she is 7 1/2 maybe she has forgotten all about this morning? One can hope, right?
Luckily (?) my ex husband doesn’t take the kids to his house, he just comes over here most afternoons and sits on my couch.
Twitter Name: ascapecodturns
You are great mom and you are definitely not unfit for getting upset with your kid. We all do that. Chances are she doesn’t even remember it.
Ain’t a mom in the world that’s escaped this journey without losing her sh*t. Seriously. That said, there’s no pain like the pain of thinking you were too harsh, too quick to get angry, too whatever.
Forgiveness is essential.
Twitter Name: amandamagee
I’m so sorry and I know how bad you must feel about this. I hate mommy guilt. It must be the hardest thing, to have to wait a few days to see your child.
thank you all for your support and understanding. Chances are she did forget but alas the guilt remains.
Off to find the Chips Ahoy. xoxo
I’ve been single-mom’ing it for only 2 months, and I haven’t had this happen to me YET, but it’s coming. And then there’s adolescence to make it through, too.
Sigh. This is why frosting was invented.
Twitter Name: DTKMMeLookCrazy