I am writing this as a shout out to all my fellow people out there who would rather do back-to-back colonoscopies then have to add water, sugar and vanilla to a bowl full of flour and what I lovingly call other shit.
You see, the other day it was my boyfriend’s birthday and I told him I would make him a cake so I bought a box of Duncan Hines cake mix and a can of frosting.
That night, after I opened up the cake mix and put in all the ingredients that were listed on the box, I began to whip it with my electric mixer as per the directions. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until I got to this point that I realized I was in a bit of a time crunch. I decided to take 30 seconds off the whipping stage and poured the mixture into two round pans whose measurements were the same but I had no idea what that was and therefore no idea how long to leave them in the oven.
CUT TO:
Time is really flying by. I open the oven and there are the two layers. One is flat as it should be, the other looks like a ski slope. How that happened I have no idea but like I said, time was not on my side.
The box says, wait ten minutes before taking the cakes out of the pans.
Well, I didn’t have ten minutes, but I did have FIVE, so I waited about 4:15seconds to remove them figuring I could use the spare seconds for the “frosting period”.
The box then said to wait until the layers completely cool until putting the frosting on. Again the whole time thing so I waited….not at all and I went for it.
As I dragged the frosting across the top of the cake layer, I would also drag part of the cake itself. This went on for the entire time until I ended up with what looked essentially like a round pile of chocolate lava.
By now it was time to leave for Ken’s apartment where I was supposed to present this cake to him and his sons who are 7 and 11. However, since most seven years olds still haven’t learned the art of lying through their teeth like your average Hollywood denizen, I would be damned if I was going to walk in the door to an “Ew what’s that?” followed by a refusal to even take a bite of it.
So what did I do?
I tossed the entire thing in the garbage. Almost. There was this one huge chunk that refused to budge. At first, I didn’t understand why and just like people who have seen the face of Jesus on a piece of cheese, I will be damned if I didn’t suddenly notice an image of his face right there in the center of the chunk. Now, unlike the Jesus people who will immediately call their local news station, I decided to eat my miracle instead and allow me to say it was dee-licious.
Sadly, my boyfriend never did get his cake. Instead he got a piece of me and if you ask him which he would have preferred, I’m pretty sure he’d tell you… the cake.
About Jessica Bern
Silly girl – next time mishmosh the whole thing up, dish it out and cover it with ice cream. Ta-da, a brand new dessert, invented by you, to proclaim your love for him ;-)
Twitter Name: sharonkurheg
Or – scrap waiting and dump your icing INTO the crumbled cake and then throw them onto a platter and call it cake balls – fun – delicious – and bitesize
Twitter Name: missycj03
Jesus loves you and he wanted you to eat his cake-face. I don’t know exactly what verse it is, but I think I’m right.
Twitter Name: thatgirlblogs
I threw a mix together in a hurry once and burned out the motor on the electric mixer trying to mix it. Seems in my rush, I’d forgotten the water. Oooops. Never made it to the oven, the whole mess – including the burned out mixer – went into the trash!
I am so glad I have a friend who bakes and decorates fabulous cakes (and she delivers).
Twitter Name: SiobhanWolf
My strategy: focus less on cooking and more on making FRIENDS who cook. Or better yet, BOYFRIENDS.
Twitter Name: DTKMMeLookCrazy
Good for you for staying strong and keeping with it when things started going a little… off kilter. And for saying “To hell with it” when it was time to do that. *Applauds*
Twitter Name: thezestyb
A round pile of chocolate lava actually sounds good. I’m totally serious. Now I’m hungry for cake. :-)
Twitter Name: DrLori71
Hmm, something tells me patience is not your virtue ;) I would have just bought the damned cake. No worries. Aiming Low as always.
Mmm, chocolate lava.
These comments are genius, BTW. Cake balls!
Twitter Name: debontherocks
Outstanding! I would have done the same thing(s) and ended up with the same outcome. You crack me up Bern!
Twitter Name: osnsmom
i totally blame duncan hines. every time.
You should have used Betty Crocker!
Have you got any left? Alone on a Friday night, and I could use about a pound of chocolate cake to make me feel better.
Twitter Name: fragrantliar
omg I pms’ing so bad right now I would totally eat that cake outta your trash. *sigh*
I wanted to say hello today at BBCSD, but… I never made it over. So. Hi. Love your blog. You, as you may have heard, are funny. And I like funny people.
Sistah, As long as there’s at least one bakery in NYC, you’ll never find me baking a bloody cake. At least not again. I hate the oven and sticking my head in the oven to poke the cake with toothpicks and I sure as hell hate the cleanup.
Twitter Name: Vsafterbedtime
Warm cake?
With frosting mixed in?
Just hand me a BIG spoon…
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
Cake eludes me.
I would have pulled a George Costanza and gone digging through your trash, for sure.
Not the cake, her.
I’da kept the whole lava mess at my house to be consumed in its entirety by ME.
Twitter Name: wombatcentral
Chocolate lava? Hand me a spoon. Did you really throw it out? Because that sounds like good eating to me. Also sounding tasty? Cake balls.
Twitter Name: kblooey