I’m convinced that my child is feral.
I knew that when that tiny baby came out of my body, I would inevitably experience the majesty that is human nature.
I was prepared to bear witness to all sorts of primal homo sapien behavior.
Hell, I was even excited about watching a life form discover the world around her.
But nobody told me shit like this would go down.
A couple weeks ago, I heard my adorable little 2 year old wake up from her nap.
my adorable little 2 year old
I walked into her room & found her looking at her sweet little toes.
And then I watched her pick the sock lint from in between her toes & PUT IT IN HER MOUTH.
Que the slo-mo “nooooooooooo!” reach.
But I was too late. She had eaten all of her toe jam.
HER TOE JAM.
What in God’s name made her think that was a good idea? She’s a well fed kid. I can’t imagine that she does it because she’s hungry. She must’ve discovered it one day & thought it looked appealing. And now she’s walking around thinking she has delicious snacks stored on her feet.
What is a mother to do? I freaked the freak out the first time I saw her do it & gave her a good, stern lecture. It went something like this: ”Ruby! No, honey! Do not eat your toe jam! That’s disgusting. Who taught you that? Are you a monkey? That’s a no-no, darlin’. You’ll get cheesy toe breath & weird stares. DO YOU WANT PEOPLE TO LIKE YOU?!!”
Humiliation is a highly effective form of communication for 2 year olds, right?
Now she just goes into her room & out of sight to scavenge. Which is smart, I’ll give her that much.
Today she ate hot pink Play Doh & licked a candle. She hasn’t quite figured out that just because something smells scrumptious, that doesn’t mean that it will taste scrumptious.
Bless her heart. I’ve decided not to worry about it too much. I bet all you other parents have similar stories. Just don’t tell me that your kid ate doodoo. I don’t know if I can handle that… yet.
She’s going to kill me when she grow up & reads this, isn’t she?
There is a whole new generation of people who are going to grow up & swap stories of how their mothers embarrassed them on the internet.
“My mom told the internet that I ate my toe jam.” “Oh, that’s nothing. MY mom told the internet about finding pubes & shit slicks in my underwear.”
It’s not going to be pretty, y’all. Someone please start a support group NOW.
*Ruby, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. I love you. I swear it’s totally normal. Let’s go buy you a pony.
unnecessary, but slightly related photo of our cute feet
About Robin Plemmons
She is awfully cute. As to a Support Group, it’s never too soon to get those underwires in place.
Twitter Name: penbleth
Thanks! I like her. I wonder if there is already a support group out there… that’s a gold mine.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
oh wow — L will not eat too many weird things – but I do remember, very vividly, the day I saw her bite her own toe nails….I nearly vomited…I may have actually vomited…I told her that was pretty much THE most disgusting thing she could do. Ever. In her whole life. BLECH!
Twitter Name: missycj03
Kids are so gross when they’re supremely curious.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
I think my most memorable is my repeated cries of “get your finger out of your bum, we don’t stick things in our bum!!”
And here’s something for you to look forward to, one my kid’s little girl friends (age 5) flashed me her cooch with a wicked grin on her face as we were winding up our playdate last week.
Twitter Name: kristincraiglai
Family story is that when I was still wearing diapers, I stuck my hand in, came up with something brown and smeared it all over my face. When Ruby is old enough to read and be embarrassed by your entry, you can direct her to my post ;-)
Twitter Name: sharonkurheg
Delurking to let you know that my ALMOST 7 YEAR OLD daughter still has to be reminded not to “trim” her toenails with her teeth.
The up side is that she has developed an amazing immune system over the years.
OK, I don’t think I’ve ever told anybody about this? (People are beginning to understand why Robin is the way she is? It was my Mother’s fault!)
I vividly remember lifting the heater vent on the floor and deciding that I could poop in the hole.
At the time, it seemed normal and very natural.Sincerely, I remember my thoughts. Like, why not? It’s in the bathroom, it’s in the floor, it’s just my height . . . actually, it seemed a very creative thought for a 2 year old? I’ll bypass the porcelain and go straight to the dirt. It was sort of an epiphany? Kind’a like bigger boys with bigger toys trying to create a Black-hole with the Hadron Collider or something? “It seemed like a good idea until it started to consume the earth?” – “Humm! That was interesting?”
Mom never mentioned my black-hole? Maybe she never found out? Maybe our house on Elizabeth Avenue still hosts a “stinky” just beyond the bend in the pipe? Or maybe, she thought it was kind’a cute . . . like eating toe-jam and wrote to her friends about it?
My mother and my daughter are a lot alike.
Thank God for Mothers.
My girls are orally fixated too. They learn about their little world by putting everything in their mouths. Everything. I had high hopes that it was just a baby thing until I met a mother with an eight yr old and a 3 yr old. She told me the older one had still not outgrown the habit and now was a pencil chewer on top of it. So what if my kids graze food dropped on the floor and suck pennies? I don’t yell anymore, it makes no difference. I agree that the silver lining is my girls are almost never sick. My friend the germ-a-phobe uses hand sanitizer and antibacterial soap in an attempt to put a forcefield between her and the dirt of the world. HER kids have had a cold every month this winter. Just sayin’.
Twitter Name: omahamama
I find this story hilarious and relatable. I sucked on my toes until I was like 6… gross, I know. But I don’t hold the title for grossest thing put in ones mouth as a child for my family.
My mom told us that she once found him eating (wait for it, control the gag) dog poop. That’s right, dog poop. Funny thing is, we didn’t have a dog then. I don’t know why it seems less gross if it was our dog but somehow it does.
So, toes in mouth – semi normal… dog poop – not so much.
Him being my brother… sorry backspaced and forgot to retype.
yeah, our poor kids. but don’t forget they will know how to type and use the internet and can and will turn the tables on us in a few years.
My husband ate an entire jar of Ted play doh when he was a kid. He turned out just fine. Mostly.
Very cute girly you have there!
Twitter Name: wombatcentral
My 3 year old bites her toenails. I’m still trying to figure out how to get her to stop that.