March 2011 Horoscopes for Low Aimers

Can you believe it’s the first of the month already? Wow, February was gone faster than butter in Paula Deen’s fridge. So you know what that means: it’s horoscope time. A moment to consult with the swirling cosmic energy that has been kicking you around like a hacky sack since the very moment you were born under a certain configuration of stars and planets and parental doubt and neuroses. Goal! Let’s go!

Here’s what’s going down for everyone this month:

Listen, I’m counting on you to be a grown-up when I tell you that this month is all about…Uranus. Uranus. Go ahead, say it outloud: Uranus. Poor Uranus. I love Uranus, but Uranus is always the butt of jokes. Out of your system yet, Screech? Okay, let’s try this again. So a focus on Uranus, with Mercury joining in at the end of the month means we are going to be feeling a little tension, a whole lotta change and freedom. Freedom! I’m talking about freedom! Can ya dig? I knew that you could.  Come along, find out what’s in store especially for your sign.

Know any March birthdays? Expect Twitter to blow up on March 1 for Justin Bieber and again on the 28th for Lady Gaga. Jon Bon Jovi will continue to look fine on his birthday on the 2nd. Throw on some extra mascara in honor of Tammy Faye Baker on the 7th, and try to grab an invite to a drag queen party celebrating Liza Minnelli on the 12th. The Internet should rejoice in honor of Al Gore’s bday on the 31st as well as Albert Einstein’s birthday on the 14th, because without Einstein we wouldn’t have quotes to RT and all of Al’s work could fall apart. The 22nd is a great day to catch a musical–both Andrew Lloyd Webber and Stephen Sondheim were born on that day. But the day I would like to have declared a national holiday is March 20nd, the birthday of Mr. Fred Rogers. Rest his be-sweatered heart. Sigh. What a good, good neighbor he was.

Your Scope on the Rocks for March 2011

Aries: You are still in the super Flylady, roll-up-your-sleeves, work-it kind of mood, but it may be coming to an end. Lots of business to take care of in the middle of the month, but maybe you can ease off a bit after that because your love life is due to get steamy by the end of the month. Maybe THAT’S why you’ve been scrubbing the kitchen floor so vigorously–you’re planning to put it to use 9 1/2 weeks style!

Taurus: Your social horizons are wide open and glowing like a National guitar. New friends, different types of people, maybe even some new flirtations, all of it positive. It’s like the Love Boat, all those people streaming on deck wearing colorful clothes and excitement: Come aboard, we’ve been waiting for you! Set a course for adventure….just stay far away from that Doc guy. He’s creepy, trust me.

Gemini: Career and money is looking pretty good, Gemini. People are posting nice stuff about you, too–as soon as you post a status update BOOM! people are liking it right and left. Enjoy it, you know flame wars are likely to catch up to you eventually. March is a good time to solidify some partnerships. Take this opportunity to save the world, or take it over. Maybe script your own Powerpuff Girls theme song! Everybody sing: Blossom, commander and the leader; Bubbles, she is the joy and the laughter; Buttercup, she is the toughest fighter. (Tell me you’ve heard Christian Bale sing this…)

Cancer: You’ve got Mars on your side this month. Kick into gear, get some crap done. Just be careful if you need to resolve intrapersonal problems, because you might be feeling a tad impatient and testy with anyone in your way. You are right, nobody puts Cancer in the corner, but smooth talking and understanding will go a long way to getting things to go your way. Or, go ahead, give ‘em hell, Harry. You are MORE than due.

Leo: You might not be the center of attention this month which is SO boring and weird, but things are clicking along splendidly so try to ride out the fact that it doesn’t feel like the spotlight is fair. Remember the Parable of Menudo. Boys went in the soup, boys exited the soup, the collective came first–but who’s the star in the long run? Ricky Martin, that’s who. Musica+Almo+Sexo, keep your eyes on the prize and keep living la vida loca. As if you have a choice, mi amor.

Virgo: March is Girl’s Month Out for you. Not just Night. Month. GMO. Time for friends, women business partners, and your girly side are all on the menu. Escape the house, roll down your window, push the bass and drive fast enough to dry your manicure before making it to a Tweetup with your BFFs. Maybe some old Missy Elliott’s We Run This on repeat. That’s the way.

Libra: The creative fountain from February is still moving you forward, but work is calling your name, too. Sorry. You’ve put it off as long as possible. No need to get all The Shining all-work-and-no-play about it, because it looks like you will be having serious fun too. Hey, don’t forget to invite me to the party! Ain’t too proud to beg ya, we all want to be where you are at this month. What can I bring? My trademark Upside-Down Pineapple Cake Jello shots? You got it.

Scorpio: You might find yourself trying to bring back the good ol’ days of the past, which is admirable work, Scorpio. Visionaries get all the praise, but sometimes we need time travelers to go back in time to complete important missions like keeping the Spellings from breeding and stopping MTV from ruining their music video model. You also might be wanting some toys from your childhood during this nostalgia fit. Easy-Bake Oven? LiteBrite? Cabbage Patch doll? Bag o’ Glass? Partridge Family lunchbox? Whatever it was, see if you can grab it on Ebay, it will make you smile crooked and true like only a seven-year-old can.

Sagittarius: Go ahead, lose your focus a little, my powerful Archer, experiment and it will pay off all summer long. Don’t worry about your brand or looking odd or disorganized or as freaky as you really are. Remember when Isabella Rossellini made that Green Porno stuff and everyone was all WTF but then two seasons of Seduce Me later she’s playing a hermaphrodite worm talking to Noah and people are all still all WTF but she doesn’t care? Because she rocks hard core. Shake it up, baby.

Capricorn:Wow, you are so busy! (Is that why you aren’t returning my emails? I see you on Facebook and Twitter, you know. Not that I’m holding a grudge, but I’m just noticing. Just. Noticing.) The end of the month especially is keeping you hopping, but you’ve kinda been wishing for this, haven’t you? Don’t be like Samantha who inexplicably obeyed Darren when he forbid her to wiggle her nose. Seriously, if Elizabeth Montgomery wasn’t so damn foxy I would boycott Bewitched because, really, she needs a spanking for ever plugging in a vacuum to clean that beautiful mid-century house. Use all of your powers, even the ones people have shot down, and everything will magically get done.

Aquarius: You might feel a little electric and a bit shell-shocked this month. What’s going on? Who knows. It’s a little hard to look at it all. It’s like those Brazilian men with their personal lumpy business all crammed into banana hammocks and you want to look to see how it is even possible that they can fit everything in that tiny bit of lycra, but then again you don’t want to look, but you do, but you can’t, and it doesn’t matter anyway. Some things aren’t meant to be understood. Just ride the ocean tide, and try to keep your own swimsuit from falling off in high waves, that’s what March is about for you.

Pisces: Other than a kissy-kissy couple of weeks where romance is high, looks like you are finally going to get some much needed rest. It’s a must! Maybe book a massage with that chick who plays Enya all the time? I’d suggest a couple’s massage but those sound odd to me. You don’t get couple’s haircuts or couple’s waxes or have couple’s toilets, do you. DO YOU?

What do you think? Are the stars on your side? Even if they aren’t, I am, promise. It’s you, me and Mr. Rogers against the world this March, so won’t you please, won’t you please, please won’t you be my neighbor?