Dear Allie:
I’m just writing to thank you for inviting me to the Tillamook Loaf Love Tour “family fun” day in Costa Mesa next week.
Unfortunately, I won’t be able to attend, as I’m pretty sure my walking around asking anyone who will look at me, “Loaf Love? What the fuck were they thinking?” was not the reason you invited me to this wonderful event, or was it?
I only ask because if I were you and I was forced to send out an email to thousands of people inviting them to ANY gathering with the word “loaf” in the title that I too would seek my revenge any way I could and asking a big mouth Jew like me come and spread the word that whoever named this gig is pretty much the biggest fucking idiot of all time is frankly, genius.
Never mind that I’m lactose intolerant, but more to the point, if you really did take the time to read my blog you would know that I have the mind set of a 15 year old high school BOY and therefore would be more than likely to read the name Loaf Love and immediately start banging out the poopy jokes.
Which leads me to ask why would you invite children? I mean, if you think my mind is in the toilet, take a walk around the party and you’ll see that I’m clearly not the only one repeatedly uttering the word “loaf” and laughing her ass off each and every time.
Now I can only hope for your sake and the sake of your clients present and future that the individual who came up with the idea and more so the one who actually looked at it and said, “Perfect. Let’s go with that one!” will soon be joining the ranks of so many of us who rush out to our mailboxes day after day praying that our unemployment check has finally arrived.
Finally, you should know that until they find another term for the form in which they package sliced bread, I will be limiting myself to having my sandwiches made with rolls and buns only.
Thanks for your time.
Lots of loaf,
Jessica
About Jessica Bern
Totally like OMG and LOL (said in my best valley girl accent)
I got invited to the loaf party too. We should totally go together. I’ll bring the lactaid.
Twitter Name: hippobrigade
You California people sure know how to throw down.
Geez…sounds like…fun? LOLOL!
Twitter Name: sharonkurheg
I thought the same thing when I got my invite. Really, NO ONE saw a problem with calling it that? Really?!
Twitter Name: mamabub
I totally need Loaf Love on a t-shirt.
Twitter Name: StacieinAtlanta
I only get invited to review books about Jesus and Sesame Street, respectively. I WISH I had a blog that drew in invitations to loaf parties. I think it’s funny AND i love cheese.
Twitter Name: JoAnn Hallum
I am just trying to imagine a whole room full of people planning this and saying loaf love without one of them giggling and revealing their inner 15 year old boy. Sheesh I can’t say it out loud without laughing. Also, your parties are so much better than mine too.
Twitter Name: mommywords
Yeah, I’m thinking Loaf Love should be emblazoned across the back of some pajama bottoms. Not mine, of course, but maybe someone who lives in Costa Mesa. I totally don’t get it, but this would validate California as the state where weird shit happens. And by shit, I mean loaf love.
Twitter Name: fragrantliar
I held it together reading this until I got to the “lots of loaf”
bwaahahhahhahhahaha…………..
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
You’re so right. I cannot imagine who thought that up, let alone who approved it.
The world is a scary, scary place.
Twitter Name: mommygeekology
She said “buns.” Hehehehe. BTW: I bet half the attendees only go to buy their annual Loaf Love t-shirts.
Twitter Name: kblooey
LOL!! Well, BUNS… hehehe… and ROLLS on the fat farm… but you wouldn’t know about that. ;p
Twitter Name: Holly Jackson
I never get invited to the cool crowd parties.
*sadfaces*
Twitter Name: M_oa_SD
Really? I would probably love that cuz I am a loafer. And I am always looking for a good comfortable bathroom in which to pinch off a loaf. OMG, seriously, what the FUCK? lmfao