I broke my boob.

March 2, 2011
by • 40 Comments

Yes, you read that right. I broke my boob.

I mean, not really but sort of. I don’t have a cast or splint on it or anything.

It started with a sore tit. I thought it was just because I was ovulating.

Then I woke up the next day & felt like someone had bludgeoned my body & swelled up my left ta ta.

I went to the bathroom to look at it in the mirror & I found two pink lines coming from my nipple.

(This is the part where you might wonder if my father is reading. The answer is yes & when I told him about my broken boob he counter storied & told me about the time one of his private areas had a boo-boo. Now you know where I get it from. Thanks Dad!)

Obviously, my breast was infected so I called to make an appointment with my doc. The nurse taking the call felt it necessary to ask me in a whisper if I had “discharge”. Which I didn’t, by the way.

So, after I disrobed & Doc H felt me up inspected the area- she confirmed that I have mastitis. Which basically means my milk ducts are contaminated. Which would explain why it hurts like bloody hell.

You would think that only women who are actively breast feeding contract mastitis but I am living proof that’s not always true. From what I understand, it can be caused by hormones & clogged stuff. I haven’t breast fed anyone in about a year and it’s not like I’ve done anything funky with my nipples. Well, besides smashing them on a scanner. But that’s totally normal.

I can not imagine having this and taking care of an infant. How the hell did all of you do it? Take delirium & hyper sensitivity & then add a sore boob & full body aches & chills. I’m having a hard time staying upright just to type this out.

I’ve felt so bad for my poor child, who normally climbs on me like a jungle gym. For the past couple of days I’ve had to run interference & keep her at a distance so she wouldn’t accidentally smack my sensitive area.

Just tonight she threw a fit when I told her it was time to go to bed. She flung herself on the ground & cried. So, in my weak state, I had to pick her 30+ lb body up while she was kicking & screaming into her room. In the midst of the delightful tantrum, I absent mindedly rammed my sore boob into the g-dang wall. I almost dropped her & then proceeded to cry. We were a mess. I almost lost it.

I’m hoping that by the time you are reading this, my boob has been fixed & I have successfully stayed sane throughout the whole ordeal. Mastitis ain’t no joke, y’all! Hi-fives to those who have gone through it & lived to tell the story.

P.S. Did you happen to notice that the word tit is hidden in mastitis? Whoever was in charge of naming boob infections did a good job.

P.P.S. My sweet friend Nichole made this for me because she cares about my jugs. How sweet is she?!

Filed Under: All Posts, Family, Know Yourself Tagged With: , , , , , ,
About Robin Plemmons

Robin Plemmons is an artist. She makes greeting cards in her own funky handwriting that say things like, "Congratulations on making a human with your genitals!" & "I hope you washed your crotch because I'm about to put my face in it." You can find them in her Etsy shop (lemonswithapea.etsy.com). She blogs at ballstothewallyall.com & tweets like a horny hyena. Follow her if you like that kind of thing: @robinplemmons.

Comments

  1. liza says:
    March 2, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    that was a hilarious post! and the milk photo just makes the whole thing. sorry you had to go through that, hope you feel better soon.

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  2. Sharon Heg says:
    March 2, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    YOWCH, thank sounds painful! Hope your boobs are pain free ASAP! BTW, awesome pic ;-)

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  3. Sharon Heg says:
    March 2, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    THAT sounds painful. THAT. Not thanks. (roll eyes and sigh)

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  4. Suzaroo says:
    March 2, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    That is crazy! Every once in a while for the past week, I’ve had random shooting pains in my left boob. It totally reminded me of mastitis (which I had once while nursing and you’re right…it was horrible!). I haven’t nursed in almost 2 years.

    I guess I’m glad to know that it can happen even if you’re not nursing (not glad that it happens though!!). Hope you get some relief soon!!

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  5. Nichole says:
    March 2, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    Add this to your resume: Causes inappropriate bursts of laughter in waiting areas. Thank you for making me look like a lunatic in front of all the other ballet moms. I hope your mammaries are feeling better.

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  6. The Domestic Goddess says:
    March 2, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    Dood. I had it BAD with kid #2. BFing and not. It sucks rocks, yo.

    Haven’t had it in 5 years, thank you baby jebus.

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  7. Ann Imig says:
    March 2, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    Love the graphic. HA!

    Get well Boob!

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  8. Penbleth says:
    March 2, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    I’ve had that with all four of my kids. It’s a joy, let me tell you. A hot bath with a hot washcloth helps. Or a cabbage leaf (yeah, I don’t know how that works either). The cure is feeding, which is no use if you aren’t feeding. The other cure is antibiotics, which gives you thrush. That’ great fun too. Like little glass shards going right through you. It’s time like that when you discover that parts of your boob are also inside and go right to you back, like an iceberg.

    I’m glad you are now pain free.

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  9. thatgirlblogs says:
    March 2, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    oh, shizz, I had mastitis while breastfeeding back in the day. It feels like the flu and when the kid eats you want to die.

    Now tell us more about your Dad’s broken junk.

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  10. DanielleH says:
    March 2, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    “it can be caused by hormones & clogged stuff”
    I’m just here for the science.

    This SUCKS, and it seems totally unfair to have to go through this kind of pain for unspecific reasons. Whenever doctors tell me “sometimes the body just does that!” I want to say, “That’s why I’m coming to YOU. To FIGURE OUT how to STOP my body from JUST DOING THAT.”

    I hope you’re feeling better. And not lifting anything.

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  11. Aimee says:
    March 2, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    The first time I had mastitis I ended up in the ER. The visit entailed a lot of vomiting, which was really good for my post-birth pelvic floor muscles. Thank goodness for private rooms and husbands who will run home for a change of clothes. This embarassment was only topped by having to explain to my male boss (upon returning to work after the drugs kicked in) what was wrong with me and why I needed to take a few days off. Good times.

    Hope your boob is fixed soon.

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  12. Katie Daisy says:
    March 2, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    Let’s go to bobo and celebrate your healthful boobs not having booboos ;)

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  13. amy says:
    March 2, 2011 at 8:59 pm

    Ha! Love the illustration :)
    Never had mastitis, it does NOT sound fun and I agree, throw in a baby and … Well lets just say I am glad I never had to go there.
    Funny but I had an ITCHY boob all day yesterday. That made for some awkward maneuvers :)

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  14. the Mayor says:
    March 2, 2011 at 11:07 pm

    All that I can think of after that story is “tough titties said the kitty when the milk went dry”. Or my meemaws saying, “that’s colder than a witches tit”.

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  15. Stacie @ The Divine Miss Mommy says:
    March 3, 2011 at 12:43 am

    LOVE the picture!!! Effin perfect.

    Although I do not remember your jugs being that oddly shaped or having that much plastic.

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  16. Yuliya says:
    March 3, 2011 at 2:08 am

    I’ve had it ten times, TEN!!! Commence feeling sorry for me (and feel better you. )

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  17. Mel says:
    March 3, 2011 at 6:49 am

    Been there. Ugh.

    You know what is the most cruel irony? I was told to breastfed MORE, since that helps empty the milk ducts.

    Ow. Ow. Ow. It was 5 years ago and I will never forget that pain. But like a commenter above said, cabbage leaves did help. I can’t explain it though…

    Gah. I couldn’t imagine getting it without breastfeeding. Who knew!

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  18. lceel says:
    March 3, 2011 at 11:45 am

    I read in your reply to an earlier comment that your boob is healthy & thriving. so I suppose than that any offer on my part to “kiss it and make it better” would be seen as superfluous.

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  19. kyooty says:
    March 4, 2011 at 10:03 am

    Sleep and antibiotics.. I hope you are very very healthy now.

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  20. Dad says:
    March 5, 2011 at 11:00 am

    You’re welcome Dear . . . I guess teaching you how to burp the alphabet at an early age was one of my better contributions to your professional life? Cool . . .

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  21. Robin O'Bryant says:
    March 5, 2011 at 11:45 am

    I had it with my first child and seriously thought I was going to die. Sweet Lloyd in heaven, I get chills just remembering. Glad your ta-tas are better! Love the pic!

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  22. sherrintn says:
    March 6, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    Reading this makes my 58 years seem better. Thanks for the help.

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