How to Open Your Love Chakra

“They’re closed again.”

Poor Susan. She gets so exasperated at me. She sprays me with her magic scents and does her little reiki thing and leads me in deep breathing. And still, every time I see her, she lets out a heavy sigh.

“Why you keep closing them up, Shoogah?”

“He called again.”

That’s when Susan lets out her little tsk, tsk, cluck, cluck and reaches for her aromatherapy sprays.

Oh girls, you know I am a silly one. I have been asked out by some really nice guys. Handsome. Smart. Compassionate. And who is it that floats my boat? The guy that I can’t figure out. The guy who I jump for when he finds time for me. Why? Well, I would say that it’s because I like the chase.

Susan says it’s because I keep closing my Sacral Chakra.

So to help between our sessions, she taught me some ways to be mindful about keeping this very important portal open. You know… so I stop making stupid decisions about men. And hey, maybe open up to the nicer ones instead of constantly chasing down the elusive one.

So on to opening up Chakra #2.

The second chakra governs pleasure, including food and sexual desire (bow chica bow wow). Also, emotions. In other words… relationships. It’s located exactly where you’d think it would be located. Near the “hoo hoo.” (Yes, I just called girly parts “hoo hoo”). If you’re feeling a little closed up in that area, follow along.

To start, close your eyes and picture the color orange. That’s not as easy at is sounds. Especially when you keep remembering that nothing rhymes with the word Orange, and then you start making up words like Sporange… Torange… Chlorange… and then Susan pops into your head and yells, “SUGAR!! This how come you no have a bwoafrend!”

Okay… deep breathes… picturing orange…

Next, place your right hand, palm up, in the palm of the left hand. No, the other left. Yes, that one. Okay, gently touch the tips of your thumbs together. Try to avoid making shadow puppets of butterflies on the walls. Focus your attention on the chakra (about two inches below your navel, above the “hoo hoo”). Chant the sound “vaaahhhmmmnnnggg” trying not to fall into chanting Jean Claude Van Daaaaaamme and then laughing your ass off at the thought of all those ridiculous movies he was in because Susan will show up again and pinch you!!!

Focus Sugar!

okay. Breathing. Picturing Orange (sporange torange chlorange), not making shadow puppets, not chanting the name of a 90s action hero.

Or was it 80s?

After the deep breathing session, you can get up and do some graceful dance or tai chi. Or maybe your idea of dance is the electric slide. Or maybe the Macarena? Oh lord, my kids learned the Macarena the other day. I swear, I wanted to kill the person that taught them. I’d rather listen to and watch them do the chicken dance. Or actually, maybe not. Anyway…

Tai Chi. Yes.

Wait, what was I doing?

Oh! Gotta go! He’s calling!!!

PS: Hope you come back for the Wisdom Chakra lesson!