The Secret To Parental (And General Human) Bliss: Do-Be-Do-Wa

I don’t ask other people about their kids.

No, wait, I mean, I ask stuff like, “How’s your kid?”  or “Is SoAndSo enjoying Taek Won Do?”

Because that’s polite and I don’t want to come off as a jerk.  But here are the things I do not (generally) ask:

• How old was SoAndSo when he started using the potty?
• Is SoAndSo reading?
• How high can SoAndSo count?
• How long does it take SoAndSo to get ready in the morning?
• Does SoAndSo play nicely/share with other kids?
• Exactly how old was SoAndSo when he stopped dipping paper towels in his cereal and smearing it in his hair?

I don’t ask these questions because, while I think SoAndSo is the bomb, and I most likely love SoAndSo’s parents to pieces, I don’t want SoAndSo to be a tiny little barometer that no longer resembles a cute kid but a giant reminder that I’m doing it ALL wrong.
My truth is this: I know my kids.

I know what they can do, what they can’t do, and I have parenting sites on the Internet to tell me what they should or should not be doing in terms of behavioral milestones.  I resist the urge to compare them to their peers because, well, though the Sisterhood of the Velour Pants and Armada/Escalade/Odyssey Brigade hasn’t gotten the memo, it’s not actually a competition.

Furthermore, potty training, counting, reading, sharing and all that other stuff are “doing” things.

They aren’t “being” things.

A lot of parents and human beings in general don’t get that distinction between “doing” things and “being” things, and maybe it all starts with these conversations about the potty.  On a completely peripheral yet slightly related note, you should know that no good ever came from a conversation that was initiated with the potty.

I think one of the biggest indicators that an adult can’t seem to grasp this distinction between being and doing is when you ask someone about what they do.

People usually say, “I am a lawyer, doctor, software engineer, or writer” instead of “I practice law, medicine, do nerd stuff or do not actually have a real job.”

So, let’s get this straight once and for all:

There are “Doing” things: Using the potty, cutting paper, sharing, saying please, getting dressed by one’s self, being a lawyer, climbing Mt. Everest, writing a novel, winning the Nobel Peace Prize

Then, there are “Being” things: Compassionate, kind, thoughtful, respectful of others, empathetic, happy, adventurous, confident, intellectually curious, trusting, loyal, generous, open, etc.

The wonderful thing about “being” things is that there’s no finite amount of being a certain thing like there is with “doing” things.  In other words, a kid is potty trained at two, they’re potty trained at two.  Pretty finite… except when they have an accident at the park because their daddy forgot to ask them if they had to go even though their mommy told him to do that like fifty billion times and he never listens to mommy so why does she even bother.

With “being”, though, there is no limit to achievement.  A small act of empathy or compassion on the playground for another child is only the beginning of what that kid can do.  It’s not like the parent is going to say, “Okay, compassion?  Check.  Now, for generosity and kindness…”

It doesn’t happen that way because “being” things aren’t things you “do,” they’re things you ARE.

All that said, while it’s great to “do” and  it’s great to “be”… be advised it is without reservations always and most certainly the best to just do-be-do-be-do-wa.

I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help myself.