Respectful is probably not the first word that would be used to describe me. By anyone.
It’s not that I’m disrespectful so much as I’m irreverent and naturally controlling, which is very, very different but can often lead to the same result. I tell you that to explain that I do not mean to disrespect my husband by correcting his parenting decisions in front of my children, but I can’t help it.
If he’s doing it differently than I would, my brain says he’s doing it wrong.
If he’s doing it wrong, my brain says it’s my job to point that out.
Yes, I know. Bad, bad, Britt. It didn’t take me long to figure out that parents do not like to be corrected in front of their children, even by the other parent. Unfortunately, my initial strategy for handling these situations backfired.
When my son was younger, I used to explain that Dad was confused whenever I needed to contradict him.
“But Dad said…”
“Honey, Daddy was just confused.”
In my defense, I think that sounds much nice and more respectful than, “Your daddy is crazy if he thinks you should be allowed to have cupcakes for breakfast. This is why I’m in charge.”
My tactful undermining of my husband’s wayward decisions worked well for several months, until my son told a stranger that, “Daddy gets confused a lot” as if he was talking about a man suffering from dementia. My husband was not amused. (I still kind of think it’s funny.)
Flash forward several years and massive amounts of marriage counseling later and I have a better grasp of the concept that I may not, in fact, be right all the time. And maybe my husband’s input on how we raise our children is… I don’t know… important. And perhaps a different parenting style is not necessarily the same as a wrong and obviously stupid parenting style. And I’m very, very clear on the fact that my husband hates to be corrected in front of the kids. Dirty looks will most definitely ensue.
But there’s still the little problem of my brain.
If he’s doing it differently than I would, my brain says he’s doing it wrong.
If he’s doing it wrong, my brain says it’s my job to point that out.
And I have the self control of a toddler.
The only solution is for me to leave the room. Completely. Screw the “united front”, I totally surrender and head for the hills. The moment I see Jared doing it wr- er – differently, I run as far away as I can so that I will not be tempted to interject (or roll my eyes, or sigh loudly, or flap my arms wildly behind the children’s backs).
It’s not exactly respectful, but at least the neighbor kids don’t think Daddy’s senile.
About Britt Reints
Are you secretly married to my husband? Because let me tell you, there are sooooo many times I have to look at him, raised eyebrow and mouth gaping, and say REALLY??? It’s really a good idea to get the kids all sugared up on gummy fish before mommy gets home? It’s really a good idea to give a 5 year old access to her ENTIRE art box full of markers and crayons and pens and then expect it’s going to stay in one place while she dutifully colors a lovely picture on paper when walls and the living room sofa are much more inviting canvases?
I’ve started telling her that, yes, I get that DADDY gave her (whatever he gave her to play with that he SHOULDN’T HAVE) but she’s old enough to know the rules. So even if daddy lets her do something, she should remember that mommy is the boss of this house and mommys rules are THE rules.
Arg.
i’m only going to say “yep!”
I cannot tell you how many times I have had to leave the room, then “discuss” something with my husband later. Like when he threatens to throw all the toys out, which he absolutely will not do. I keep my mouth shut until we’re alone and then say, “REALLY?”.
Twitter Name: msmegan
That is actually a hot button issue with me. Contradict me in front of my children and you’ll see lasers shoot from my eyes and flames from my hair. Unless it is a life or death situation, it is just not necessary.
I don’t care how it is done in other marriages because that is not my gig, but in my own- death comes to those who interfere. I once threw my mother in law out for telling my kids that I didn’t know what I was talking about.
Twitter Name: thejackb
Can’t blame you. If someone did that to me, I would LOSE IT, too.
Twitter Name: missbritt
I am identical to you. I always jump in if I think he’s doing it wrong. Or I’d I want things done my way. Or if I don’t agree with the discipline. Or whatever. I cant keep my mouth shut, ever.
Akk you made me snarf my water. Please insert mine or Hero Husband’s and we are golden! Hysterical Britt. Thanks
Twitter Name: shannonannon
I am totally guilty of this too. I actually think the “daddy’s confused” explanation is brilliant! I think I’ll steal it for a while…at least until people start thinking my husband is senile LOL.
Twitter Name: jollymom
Um, yeah. This is one of the main reasons why my wife and I got divorced. The only ones that were confused were the kids.
Twitter Name: Ronald Mattocks
And THIS is why I leave the room. If I can’t repress my asshole brains, I’ll take my mouth out of hearing distance!
Because, I don’t really want to get divorced.
Twitter Name: missbritt
As a mother who works outside the home, I have had to turn over the more “traditional” roles to my husband, who is fortunate enough to be able to work from home. At first, I was tempted to be supercontrolling and point out everything he did “differently” from me, and cast it in a negative light because it wasn’t MY way. Therefore it MUST be wrong. But the most powerful revelation I’ve encountered in those years is as follows:
I’ve gradually (reluctantly) come to realize that I don’t have to do it all myself. Being the frazzled and frantic Supermom is sometimes a choice more than an accomplishment. I’ve learned that when the roles are shared, so are the rewards.
Which is to say, sometimes his “different” way works 1,000 times better than my way. Just because I’ve got the monopoly on X chromosomes doesn’t mean I’ve got the monopoly on “correct” parenting.
Twitter Name: schadenfreudett
My wife doesn’t seem to think that she is more qualified than me to make parenting decisions (most of the time), since we both have the same amount of experience, and have read the same books, etc. This makes for harmony most of the time; but sometimes it’s a bit scary. There’s a lot of, “What do you think we should do?” “I don’t know…what do YOU think we should do?”
The problem with correcting the husband in front of the kids can actually backfire and make the kids think that mommy is just a mean person to the dad. And also the kids.
As Jack B said unless it is life or death, one parent should not correc tthe other.
Someone once asked me…”Would you correct your neighbors parenting style in front of their kids?” No. Sho you should not do it to your spouse either.
Great piece and comments. I firm believe that both moms and dads have different, and equally important, things to give their kids. But they are different and therein lies the rub. Negotiating that is part of a good marriage and happy family. Here is an interesting recent piece on what dad’s have to teach mom’s about raising boys:
http://bit.ly/Raising-Boys
Twitter Name: tmatlack
We have a similar term. “Daddy doesn’t know.”
So she tells him all the time, “You don’t know, dad.”
I’m lucky he’s got a thick skin!
Excellent piece indeed … and one can’t help loving the “Honey, Daddy was just confused.”
Read Aloud Dad
Twitter Name: readalouddad
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” As you already know, you’re incredibly wrong for correcting your husband in front of your son and incredibly right for leaving the room when you can’t keep your mouth shut.
Your husband is your son’s best role model for becoming a man and eventually a father himself. Support a good man who may do things differently than you would. Support a future father who will definitely do things differently than you would. Kids need love from both parents, right?
Twitter Name: NathanGreenberg
Our rule is: first is last. As in, whoever gives an answer first, that is the last word. So if I tell the kids they CAN do something, he can’t come and negate that later. Vice versa. When the kids question what one of us has said, we shrug and say, “daddy was first” or “mommy was first”.
But yeah, he does things that make me awestruck sometimes. A few weeks ago, we had a house full of kids while babysitting for some friends of ours. I ran to the store and left my husband with the kids for about 20 minutes. When I came home, the boys came running upstairs with their faces all glowing and pride oozing from every pore. The 4 year old said proudly, “we did it!”. “What did you do?”, I asked with a smile. The 6 year old said, “we did what Andy told us to do!”. I paused for a breath, and asked, “what did he tell you to do?”. The 4 year old replied, “he told us to tear apart the basement!”.
I turned around and looked at my husband with my mouth hanging open. He said, “It was a figure of speech! I just meant they should “tear it up” – you know, have fun.”
Yep. They “tore it up”, all right. They took that job seriously. LOL