This post is by Jared Karol from Lick the Fridge.
A commonly held position in the pediatric and child development field is that the two year old child is a “budding scientist”, constantly exploring the world around him, discovering how and why things work through real life experiences. The budding scientist folks – mostly child psychologists, pediatricians, doctors and other people with lots of acronyms after their names – contend that while the two year old may challenge the adult notion of acceptable and rational behavior, he does not behave that way intentionally to make us crazy.
Recently, however, a new position has emerged that disputes the budding scientist view. This new position contends that the child is decidedly not a budding scientist, but rather is behaving like a big fat pain in the ass.
This theory is not based on scientific research or understanding of developmental psychology. The holders of this view do not have acronyms after their names. Many of them, in fact, haven’t even been to college. These folks are just reporting what they see. That’s their science.
But to satisfy the scientific community, they went through the motions and conducted a few case studies to prove their point.
Case study #1: A two year old child is sitting in her booster seat at dinner. She throws her sippy cup, watches it fly through the air and land on the floor. She then looks at her father and says “uh-oh.” Her father picks the sippy cup off the floor and sets it on the table. He says, “please don’t throw your cup on the floor.” The child immediately throws the cup on the floor and says “uh-oh” again. This series of events is repeated six times.
Budding Scientist (BS) view: The child is discovering what it is like to see things drop on the ground. She is fascinated by how the cup drops, that it will drop the same exact way each time, and that she has the ability to make it drop. The fact that she has the power to do this fills her with confidence, and instills in her a growing sense that she is in control of her actions and behaviors.
Big Fat Pain in the Ass (BF PITA) view: Stop throwing your *&^%ing cup! It’s called gravity! Newton discovered it a long time ago. We know it works, so there’s no need for you to experiment any longer. And stop saying “uh-oh” like it was an accident. An accident is when you don’t do it on purpose. You think I don’t know that? I’m tired of picking your cup off the floor. Who “accidentally” knocks their cup on the floor six times in a row? No one, that’s who! If it really was an accident then perhaps you should work on your motor control. Do you think I could eat some of my dinner before it gets cold? Stop laughing! It’s not funny!
Winner: BF PITA, by a long shot.
Score: 1-0
Case Study #2: A two year old child is getting his diaper changed. It’s a messy one and the wipes aren’t coming out of the box. His father is trying to simultaneously hold the boy’s legs up in the air and get the wipes out. Meanwhile, the toddler reaches down between his legs and puts his hand in his creation. He rubs his hand on the wall. He then tries to roll over onto his stomach. He screams bloody murder when his father tells him to cooperate.
Budding Scientist (BS) view: The child is experimenting with how his hands can find and grab things that his eyes cannot see. He is discovering how different textures feel between his fingers. He is an aspiring artist, and he sees the living room wall as a perfectly appropriate canvas. His assumption that brown paint matches the furniture is chalked up to inexperience.
Big Fat Pain in the Ass (BF PITA) view: Dude! Get your hand out of your shit! Are you kidding me! What the %^$* is wrong with you? And what the %^&* is wrong with these god damn wipes? Of course they’re stuck when I’m served a mudslide. I said, don’t touch that! That’s icky! ICKY! Gross, dude. Who puts their hand in their own shit? If you put that on the wall, I’m gonna – . . . Awwwhh, man, what the fu -. . . Hey, stop rolling over. Stop it! What are you crying about? You like having this mess in between your legs? What’s so bad about getting your diaper changed, anyway? Sorrr-eeee if I was trying to help you.
Clear winner, once again: BF PITA
Score: 2-0
Case Study #3: A two year old child is rolling a toy car on the hardwood floor. She then decides that instead of rolling the car on its wheels she will turn it over and smash the car repeatedly into the hardwood floor as hard as she can. Then she moves the car back and forth creating a god awful screeching sound and visible gouges in the hardwood. She laughs while she does this.
Budding Scientist (BS) view: The child is discovering the laws of physics. She thinks that if the car will move along smoothly on one side, it should do the same on the other side. When it doesn’t, her fascination turns to the wonderful new sounds that she has created. She is excited and proud that she created these sounds herself, and so repeats her behavior over and over again.
Big Fat Pain in the Ass (BF PITA) view: How many times do I have to tell you? STOP doing that! It’s NEVER gonna roll like that. The top of the car doesn’t have wheels, for krisakes! You know, wheels! The round things that roll! Yeah, that’s how the car moves smoothly. It rolls, on its wheels. Who drives a car upside down? Have you ever seen that? Really? You have? Where have you seen a car driving upside down? That’s right. Nowhere! Do you think it’s funny to ruin the hardwood like that? You do, don’t you? I thought you might say that. Gimme the car! Give it to me! Now!
Winner, duh: BF PITA
Final Score: 3-0
The results of this study are going to be published in the next issue of Parents Know What’s Up magazine. The “budding scientist” view of child behavior will be discredited, and a legitimate view will finally be accepted into the mainstream.
Jared Karol is the father of twins born in January 2009. That is seriously no joke. But writing about it is. He thinks he’s funny and occasionally others do as well. He is the author of the wildly unknown blog Lick the Fridge.
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Jared, you know what you need?? A 9yo.
She’s coming via FedEx.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Sweet! Maybe my kids can fling their cups and toys and poo at HER all day long. I could use a break. . . :)
BTW, how much does it cost to ship a kid via FedEx? Might have to try that. . . :)
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
Funny Jared. I think you have found your niche, and hit the nail on the head. Too bad people didn’t have this kind of venue to laugh out loud 10 years ago. I feel the pain, and laughs too.
This is even funnier the third tome around. I never understood the poop thing. Aidan use to fight it soooo much I was like “WTF? It’s gotta feel totally disgusting down there”
Thanks, Karen. Yeah, I guess they don’t have our sophisticated abilities to know the difference between, say, poop, mud, yogurt, pudding. . . it’s all the same to them, I guess. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
Nicely done Jared. I’ll send over an almost 7 year-old who asked me to tell her what happens if babies get stuck on the way out. And that is not the hardest question by far.
As a PSA let share the following.
Apparently moms consider it rude to try and explain to said 7 year old that you have to call in a professional spelunker to extract the baby from the cave.
Twitter Name: thejackb
You mean that’s NOT how the baby gets out. I guess my mom wasn’t as rude as you. Good to know that that’s not how it happens though. Not that my kids have been asking about it. . . yet. Would love to meet your kid! :)
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
well done Jared. It’s amazing you’re still able to construct sentences after two years with children. We have a 15 month old. we use two word sentences. example: “no, hot” “more milk?” and the most widely used expression, “you’re ok, get up” (I know it’s 4 words, but as long as the majority are monosyllabic I don’t get confused)
thanks for the laugh.
Karl
P.S. it took me 32 minutes to compose this message. I hope my brain is always stuck in reverse.
Yes, sentence construction is a chore. Two words. Maximum sentence. Is good. And, if you pause long enough between “ok” and “get”, you’ve got two two word sentences. I’m impressed with your speed of composition. I too hope my brain is always stuck in reverse. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
Can’t. Stop. Laughing!
I’ve discovered baby wipes can clean up almost any mess and in fact are used for anything and everything at our house including cleaning up carpet poo and wall boogers. But dammit all if they don’t ALWAYS wad up on you at the most inopportune moments. Like now, when I’m laughing so hard that I’ve snorted milk out of my nose and all over the desk…
Twitter Name: omahamama
Yes, wipes are a great invention. Sometimes use them myself, if you know what I mean. And, yes WTF with the wadding? Or the pulling like six out at a time and they don’t rip off? Or now one of my kids will “help” by pushing them in and closing the lid mid change with the other kid. Nice “helping”, guys!
Thanks for reading. Hope your nose is okay. . .and your desk. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
What’s even better is when the kid looks you in the eye, says “uh-oh,” and THEN drops the cup. You’re like, “You don’t even know what ‘uh-oh’ means, do you?”
Having twins as well, we buy our wipes by the case. We recently got a bad batch, I guess, because every damn pack has the same problem–the sheets don’t want to tear apart. I have to do the most elaborate and vigorous wrist-snap to get one loose, and it only works about 30% of the time. That’s also great when the kids want to “help” by pulling out a wipe for me, and end up pulling out about 20.
Nice post, bro.
Thanks, BetaDad. Yeah, “uh-oh” is a pretty vague and ambiguous phrase, isn’t it? I have experienced that as well.
We just took out equity on our house to by wipes. We figured it was a good investment, but, like you, I have almost broken my wrist with EVERY batch of wipes that decides to stick together. I think it’s a conspiracy. Of what kind and nature, I’m not sure.
Yes, my kids are always “helping”. It’s their new favorite word. Someday, the actions and the meanings of the words they use will match up. Maybe?
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
And when they get older, there are also seems to be a decline in intelligence. For example, the 6,000 times you remind them to pick up their nasty clothes after taking a shower only to turn around and make it 6001 the next day. I believe the medical diagnosis is “Willful Adolescence Early On-set Alzheimer.”
Twitter Name: Ronald Mattocks
I know all about the decline in intelligence. I teach sixth grade (for another couple months, at least). Push in your chair, put your pencil away, turn in your homework, pick up your clothes. They’re all symptoms of “Willful Adolescence Early On-set Alzheimer.” Maybe stem cell research can help cure that?
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
Heh, this was awesome. Also? I know more than a few grown ups that fall under BF PITA.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
Thanks, Faiqa. Yes, I know plenty of adults that fall under BF PITA too. Including myself at times. If I’m being honest, that is. Which I like to be. . .unless I’m being a BF PITA. . . :)
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
This is genius. You people with twins who manage to not get committed to mental health facilities have my complete and utter respect. When I want to put my daughter’s insane behaviour in perspective, I imagine her doubled. It’s not pretty.
If I told you that I wrote this piece FROM a mental health facility, would I still have your respect? :) Yes, simple things like leaving the house suddenly don’t seem so simple anymore. Bring your daughter over. The three of them can hang out. . . :)
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
I’m a great believer in the BF PITA theory. Also the LGOPTDOB theory – Let’s Get Our Parents To Do Our Bidding. But that’s less succinct.
Wait till they are teenagers and go for much higher stakes, that’s really fun.
Twitter Name: penbleth
I like the LGOPTDOB theory as well. That’s what it’s all about: Control. How much are we willing to give up to them? Unfortunately, I’m afraid, I give too much. What can you do though, I love them!
Yes, teenagers, that’ll be fun. Although, adolescent behavior is strikingly similar to toddler behavior. Amazing how the cyclical thing works out. I should be taking notes so I can use the same strategies in a dozen years or so.
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
I’m saving this post for my future children to read riiiiiight about the time they become interested in boys/girls. Cheapest, and most funny, birth control ever! Great post.
Twitter Name: LoLately
Thanks for your nice words. Hey, I never thought of that. Maybe instead of being the dad at the door with the shotgun saying “Have her back by eight, or else”. I could slip the guy a piece of paper and say, “hey, there, Johnny. I wrote something I thought you’d like to read. Have fun with my little girl!” I wonder if it would work? :)
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
This would be way funnier if I didn’t know why it was so funny. I would rather be laughing at you than with you. Relating to it makes it slightly painful as I can still see the stain on the wall.
GREAT post, Jared.
Twitter Name: thoughtfulpop
Yeah, sometimes it’s just not as funny when you part of the joke. I am glad you can relate to it though, if for no other reason than to know that it has happened to somebody else. . . :)
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
As an Expert in this arena, I need more recognition of the BF PITA’s experience. He’s seen by his peers as cranky, but I think his experience far outweighs the fact s/he hasn’t slept in about a year.
Twitter Name: tyronem
Yes, sleep definitely plays a role in all this. Our kids actually sleep pretty well, so I’m not sure what they’re excuse is. . . :)
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
I order when other folks sell.
Corporation: A nifty little device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.