I Will Take the Last Cookie

This post is from Rima Tessman of Rimarama.com.

Recently a friend mentioned that I was “always looking out for number one,” and I bristled because even though English is not my first language, I’ve been in this country long enough to know that “looking out for number one” means you’re the kind of person who will make off with the last lifeboat or race a woman with five kids for the good grocery cart.

Then I realized I am that kind of person.

It probably goes back to grade school, when I was the scrawny short kid people always cut in front of in the lunch line. Later, I married into a family of boys and learned how to eat my dinner one-handed, with the other one shielding my plate. I realized that nice girls always finish last, so I made a conscious decision to go balls out whenever it came to my own personal well being.

Here are some things I do in the spirit of  “looking out for number one.” I can’t believe I’m even sharing them with you, since it goes against everything I stand for, which is “looking out for number one.”

1)     Being First in the Buffet Line. Used to be I’d demur when the hostess invited her guests to help themselves. This is folly because whoever is first in line gets dibs on the best offerings and avoids using cross-contaminated serving spoons. Besides, there are worse things to have engraved on your tombstone than, “She Was First in the Buffet Line.”

2)     Loading Up. Not only am I first in the buffet line, I also load up from the get-go so I’m not disappointed when I come back for seconds and all the good stuff is gone. You might say this is a disservice the people who don’t get any food at all, but maybe next time they’ll have the good sense to race me.

3)     Claiming Movie Theater Seats. I am always early for the movies so I could stake out the best seat in the house and reserve all the seats around it by putting my belongings on them. If this means I have to watch a movie in my underwear because my coat, pants and sweater are draped across the aisle, well then so be it.

4)     Claiming the Movie Theater or Airplane Armrest. Sometimes sitting next to another human being in the movie theater or on an airplane is just plain unavoidable. In a case like this, I will put both my arms on the armrests and not budge until the movie or flight is over, even if I’m starving or need to use the restroom. Every once in awhile I’ll find myself in a battle of elbows and wills, in which case I will brace myself and apply powerful counter pressure until my opponent gives up.

5)     Calling Shotgun. I still call shotgun. There were just too many times in high school when, thanks to being the smallest and lightest passenger, I risked my life by lying unrestrained across the laps of my friends in the back seat. If I can’t get shotgun, then I will carefully plan my entrance into the back seat so I never have to sit on the hump.

6)     Edging Out Line Cutters and Lane Mergers. If I am standing in a line of any kind and notice you angling for an undeserved spot, I will take aggressive measures to crowd you out. The same goes for people who wait until the last minute to merge and then try to cut in front of me. I once lost my side view mirror to one of them, but the satisfaction I felt far outweighed the cost of repairs.

7)     Getting to the Potluck Sign-Up Sheet First. There have just been way too many times when I’ve been stuck with bringing a main entrée because I was the last to get the potluck sign-up sheet. Now I always make sure to get to it first so I could bring plates, napkins or at the very worst, an appetizer or dessert.

8)     Grabbing the Sale Item You Were Looking At. This isn’t one I’m proud of, but if I think you may interested in at an item of clothing I also have my eye on, I will be sure to take it quickly off the rack. I mean, it probably wasn’t in your size, anyway. In a similar vein, when I’m not sure if I want to buy an item or not, I will hide it in another department or size and usually never come back.

I hope you will find these pointers useful in your daily lives, but for obvious reasons, please try to keep them on the down low. If you have other suggestions on ways to Look Out for Number One, I would love to hear them.

Rima Tessman lives in Cleveland with her husband and two small children. When she’s not racing you to be first in line, she’s plotting ways to get out of cooking dinner or practicing folk songs on her violin. You can read more of her writing on her personal website, Rimarama.com.

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