It’s the best time of the month! Well, the second best, after ovulation. What I’m talking about is horoscope time. A moment to consult with the swirling cosmic energy that has been pushing you around like the viewer on a Ouija board since the very moment you were born under a certain configuration of stars and planets and parental doubt and neuroses. Hurray!
Let’s get one thing out of the way before we launch into February’s horoscopes. Despite a misinterpreted wacky news cycle in mid-January, you sun sign didn’t change. I really hope you didn’t run out and file for divorce because you thought your partner became a Capricorn and you could never live with a Cap, because the story was just a mess of misinformation from troublemaking Minnesotans. Poor things, you know how winter makes them all cranky and snowblind. We are fortunate that they didn’t create something worse this time, like Garrison Keillor or Nickelback. Well, if you want to split hairs, Nickelback is Canadian, but same difference, eh?
So, no worries, your sign didn’t change, and no one is a Ophiuchus. It would have been cool to Ophiuchus because you’d be a serpent-handling, gender-fluid healer, but no dice.
Here’s what’s going down for everyone this month:
So, no worries, your sign didn’t change, and no one is a Ophiuchus. It would have been cool to Ophiuchus because you’d be a serpent-handling, gender-fluid healer, but no dice.
Here’s what’s going down for everyone this month:
Strap on your fighter packs, because Mars is large and in charge this February. When you hear “Mars” do you think sex, conflict and overall high intensity? Because that’s what Mars brings. Yeah, baby! February is basically a month of: Hear me now und learn me later. I am Hans. Und I am Franz. Und ve just vant to pump… belie(clap) …YOU UP! ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?!
Know any February birthdays? If you have Patience you can try knocking on AxlRose’s twitter door to send birthday wishes on February 6th, but dude is not too swift with social media, so don’t you cry tonight if you don’t hear back. On February 11, Gilligan’s hottie Tina Louise turns 77, so cocktails in coconuts while blaring 52 Girls are definitely in order! Shredheads will shout out birthday greetings to Jillian on February 18. Let’s all suggest that instead of cake, she celebrates with a refreshing and satisfying slice of Extra sugarfree gum. I think she’ll like that. Of course, it’s my birthday on February 6th, but you already knew that! (P.S. I want cake, not gum, but you probably already knew that too.)
Your Scope on the Rocks for February 2011
Aries: Work, work, work, work, work. Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho. You are working harder than Betty White and it’s paying off. You might even be loving it, but I know you must be ready for a break. Even Sleepy took naps, so pace yourself, rockstar. Mmmm, naps.
Taurus: As the great ABBA once said about you, “You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life see that girl, watch that scene, diggin’ the dancing queen.” Or is it “dig it, the dancing queen?” Or “dig in, the dancing queen?” Your choice. Either way, you will feel the spotlight on you this month, so just keep dancing while we cheer you on and dig your moves. Don’t take it personally if we don’t slip a buck in your bra–I always forget to get singles.
Gemini: Thinking about your month makes me want to sing the complete discography of Captain and Tennille, except of course that utterly idiotic Muskrat song, because I don’t want to think about muskrats getting it on, do you? Does anyone? What the hell was that? Anyway, you don’t need to answer that, because your own house of love is getting plenty steamy, a little travel or adventure seems to be on the horizon. And they whirled and they twirled and they tangoed….
Cancer: Remember how on the Addams Family, Gomez would get crazed and kissy with Morticia when she spoke in French, which of course that goth minx did now and then just to revel in his frenzied attention? You’ve got that power, little Cancer. You’re walking seduction this month! Cara Mia!
Leo: You might find yourself craving privacy this month to make sure you store up February’s energy and to prioritize spending time with family and close friends instead of getting drained by the drama of others. Basically you are the opposite of a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills, and that is why you win. You win at everything in February, especially when making brilliant decisions. Feel free to dress up and rent a limo if you want, however. Why should the Botoxed have all of the fun when we can’t even see their faces smile?
Virgo: Ch-ch-ch-changes! This is a time of significant shifts for you, with lots to assess and consider. You are for real when you say you need some new clothes or new things to reflect the way life is changing for you, so take time to make that happen. Bridalplasty would be taking it much, much too far, but other than that have fun experiments with new looks, and new perspectives. You not only deserve it, but it’s a great investment in where you are headed.
Libra: This month is all about creativity, fun, and experimenting. As the great and wise Bob Ross once said, painting happy tree-looking smudges and wearing clown wigs are bound to make you happy. Glue gun (pew-pew) some stuff together. Move into a motel for a weekend and pound out poetry on an old typewriter like the keys are a rapid-fire extension of your own fingers. Make a stop-motion video of strawberries dancing. Black Swan your makeup and whirl until feathers sprout from your arms. And then get that mess waxed off, because there is a limit. But push limits as far as you can otherwise, and watch the creative fountains flow.
Scorpio: Whew, the money scene is looking rosier. Not Richy Rich/Blow/where-can-we-hide-all-this-money rosy, but rosy nonetheless. More is coming in, less is leaking out, it’s looking good for you, partially because you are being recognized for your distinct abilities. That makes this a good month to think about investments, home renovations or picking up stalled projects. Also, can you take me to lunch? That cool new place where you can use iPads to place your order with robots? I can’t wait!
Sagittarius: Let me tell you a little story about a brilliant woman who has amazing abilities to stretch to accommodate any need, almost like she’s a parachute if you are falling, and who is also deeply dedicated to her family and home, and who is a rocking parent and also who is super hot, too. And that flexible, competent woman is you in February. You and Elastigirl. Mostly you.
Capricorn: February loves you, it really, really loves you! Smooth sailing, having lots of fun, everything old looks new again. You are Marcia, not sad-sack Jan, and Davy Jones is coming to see you! And your hair even looks fabulous, too. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
Aquarius: Out with the old! It might be a little late–or knowing you, about 11 months early–but February is like one long bitchin’ New Year’s Eve for you. This is your ReInvention Tour. Shed old attitudes, drama, and draining entourages. Maybe throw on a Marie Antoinette wig and crawl on tapestries? Why not? But only if it works for you.
Pisces: February is your month. You own it in a Monster Truck Jam kind of way. Which is not as tacky as it sounds. Loud, yes. Fossil fuel contact high, yes. Also, power! Go ahead and bust it and roll over anything in your past. Vroom!
What do you think? Are the stars in your favor? Even if they aren’t, I am, promise. It’s you, me, Axl and Tina Louise against the world this February, and if that isn’t a dream team I don’t know what is.
About Deb Rox
My hair DOES look fabulous!!
You are so good at this.
Twitter Name: missbritt
SO NOW IS VEN VE DAHNCE!!!
Twitter Name: annsrants
Hans und Franz? Axl Rose? Gilligan’s Island? Me having great hair? MyGOD, this is the BEST horoscope EVER.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
Oh my lanta, I am ovulating RIGHT NOW!!!
This means nothing.
As you were, citizens.
Twitter Name: SugarJones
And also (because I hit submit too quickly)… I am a Taurus AND my friends used to call me Dancing Queen. See, this one time, when I was like 20 something, I was on a cruise, and I was drunk, but still managed to win the dance contest. Because apparently, sexy dancing when drunk on a cruise full of other drunks wins every time. But instead of dollars in my bra, they gave me a plastic trophy. It might still be prominently placed on my bookshelf to this day.
Spotlights FTW!!!
Twitter Name: SugarJones
1. Thank God they were wrong. it made me a Gemini and a Cancer and frankly I can barely handle the one (Cancer)
2. Gotta tell you, if Mars being around makes one in the mood, well then Mars is orbiting around my house CONSTANTLY