I finally saw “The Social Network.” I know, I know… I’m a naughty social media junkie. I only claim slackerhood due to the fact that going to the movies holds low priority among the toddler toting crowd.
Now, is it just me, or do those of you who have also seen this movie now feel a little dirty every time you log in to Facebook? Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like I should now send Eduardo Saverin fifty cents every time I post a status update or something. This is a huge turnaround from the time when I felt like Facebook should have been sending me fifty cents every time I got one of those ridiculous Farmville requests.
And this got me thinking. Which is always a complicated thing.
What’s the deal with movies about smart, rich white guys always screwing over their friends in the world of technology and finance? Think Bill Gates and Steve Jobs in “Pirates of Silicon Valley”. Or Ben Affleck and Giovanni Ribisi in “Boiler Room.” Or even in a vaguely peripheral and slightly dissimilar way, Matt Damon and Stellan Skarsgard in “Good Will Hunting.”
Or other movies I can’t think of right now, but that I’m sure exist.
It seems that you can’t trust white guys that go to Harvard, or, at least that’s what Hollywood wants you think. And you know, if Hollywood says it true…
I think it’s part of this whole idea that wealth and success are intricately bound with the ability to don the role of frenemy with a compelling and subtle gracelessness that would confound even the brightest of Ivy League minds. And excuse me, but am I to assume, Hollywood, that you think us women of the brown persuasion are not capable of building vast multi-million dollar empires at the expense of people who once trusted us and perhaps even loved us?
Clearly, Hollywood, you did not have a brown mother.
You know what? I’d like to see a movie about an Asian woman that develops a spreadsheet based software that guarantees her kid will become so proficient at math that they’ll get into Harvard by the time they’re twelve only to have it stolen by her Latina neighbor who has been her friend, confidante and play date buddy for the past twelve years.
There could be a whole scene where the lawyers trick the Asian woman into signing a contract that looks like it guarantees her a 60% ownership in the company, her kid admission into an Ivy League school and free violin lessons for life. I’d like to see Oprah and Gayle King play the seemingly benign but nefarious lawyers that trick her into signing it and wash over the clause that says that the Asian mom’s shares will be sold out from underneath her as soon as she starts ranting at her kid about what a piece of garbage she is. And you know she will. Because if she doesn’t, she’s not a real Asian mom.
I’d like to see the Latina mom then wistfully look over the expansive educational software empire she’s just stolen and long for the days when her and the Asian mom were just two gals wiping spit up off of their shoulders and discussing how crazy it was that Americans didn’t take soccer seriously. Then, I’d like her to brush off her ambivalent feelings as a latent bourgeois ideal of upwardly mobile survivor’s guilt and head off to Sax to buy her 300th pair of thousand dollar shoes.
Look, I know that the point of demarcation here is that Michael Zuckerberg did in real life (allegedly) screw Eduardo Saverin out of a bajillion dollars, and there is yet to be a remotely similar incident in the microcosm of ethnic suburban moms. But, I firmly hold that this is one of those instances when life will imitate art.
Seize this opportunity, Hollywood, to make a difference in the multicultural dynamic of this nation. It’s your freaking patriotic duty, for the love of Oscar. Because, come on, we minority chicks totally have it in us to be just as cutthroat, brilliant and morally bankrupt as those nerdy white boys at Harvard or MIT.
I can also pretty much guarantee that we’ll have on better shoes and earrings while we’re doing it, too.
About Faiqa Khan
If you want, I can screw you over and then we can make a book and movie about it and you can screw me over for the royalties when it comes out. I’m not Latina or Asian, though. Is Irish close enough?
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
Irish works… and this is a fantastic idea. Let’s do it.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
I heard they might make a movie about the feline parent with the initials A.C.( aka ‘she who must not be named’ because she’s already gotten way too much press already). I think she qualifies as a light brown woman who is willing use graceless guile in order to succeed.
But I would MUCH rather see a movie about you. Preferably in salwar kameez.
And not to get all political or anything, but this is somewhat of a historical thing: ahem, Colonialism. I mean white men have been doing this to entire nations since long before Matt Damon cleaned hallways at Harvard.
It’s just moved into the virtual now, eh?
And another thing: YOU are SO freaking hilarious.
Twitter Name: PerpetuallyKate
For the record, you can *always* get political with me. It’s my first language, really. :-)
Twitter Name: Faiqa
I’m trying to think of a good “Crouching Tiger Mom…” joke, but it’s not coming to me. It’s the “Hidden Dragon” part that is messing me up. Sigh.
I hear you… how about Blood In Blood Out: The Crouching Tiger Mom. Lifetime will definitely pick that up.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
I was going to ask about Native American Indians, but then I realized they have the casinos, only – who’s the joke on, there?
Also, I was thinking, “Hollywood writes original screenplays?”
:)
Hmmm… maybe THAT’S why they haven’t written anything like this, yet.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
makes me want to fuck over another gal just to prove a point . problem is my friends and I have no money or anything to steal but a nice pair of shoes
Shoes are high priority in MANY circles, my friend, you better watch your back.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
Would it be called something like “The Joy You’re Outta Luck Club” or “Sisterhood of the Traveling–Hey Those Are My Pants!”
Yeah, guys do screw over guys. It’s our thing. Thank goodness Whoopi Goldbergh was there to save Demi Moore from that sleezy best friend who got Swayze capped.
Twitter Name: Ronald Mattocks
I want to thank you for making me look like a crazy woman at my daughter’s gymnastics class this morning… as if those other moms didn’t already think I was weird enough, they got extra special fodder as I spewed my coffee all over myself while reading your comment. Awesome. Now, none of the grand duchesses of the Odyssey/Escalade/Armada brigade are EVER going to invite me to their parties.
So, no, seriously… THANK YOU.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
You so totally crack me up. You’re in a runaway lead for my new favorite person of 2011.
Twitter Name: Ronald Mattocks
bwaahahahahahahahaha!! FUCKING BRILLIANT! I love it! Hollywood’s how-to book is obviously, “Everything we know we learned from 8th grade mean girls”! It all makes so much sense now! Forget the girls, tho’: we’ll never break thru. Gotta go for the brown boys first, and wait patiently, I dunno, a century or so, then it’ll our turn.
Inside every successful man is a mean 8th grade girl just waiting to bust out.
Twitter Name: returntoworkmom
I’d totally watch your movie, too. And you mean Mark Zuckerberg, right?
Twitter Name: Avitable
Thanks for sharing, this is a fantastic blog.Thanks Again. Will read on…