I recently bought a cream-coloured sweater and a red plaid shirt in yet one more bid in a string of many to step away from my reliance on a mainly black wardrobe.
I really did try, but that shirt up there? It still hasn’t made its way out the house. You see, way back when in high school when I didn’t have a whole lot cash to throw into my wardrobe, I took to buying everything in black. I reasoned that all my pants and shirts and shoes would go together with each other, which would mean that my wardrobe would have far greater versatility, if not variety. Also, it took too much effort to figure out what went with what, anyway. If I had too much colour on hand, I was liable to end up looking like an Easter egg with a Toni perm.
Shut up. It was the late 1980s. Everyone had a perm.
My conversion to all black all the time mislead people into thinking I was a Goth or enduring an unhappy home life or suffering psychological depression, the last of which landed me in the guidance counsellor’s office, where I ended up petting his baby bunny while we discussed home-made beef jerky. It wasn’t until after that appointment when I think I actually needed a therapist.
Black clothing was my cash-poor, fashion-challenged answer to dressing myself back then, and it has worked wonders for me during many a monetary dry spell since. Not only does everything go together, but also when it starts to grey with age, all I have to do is throw a load of laundry in with a couple of packets of black Rit dye and voilà! Everything comes out looking brand new, even those dingy, sad sack socks that can ruin a whole outfit just by existing near your shoes.
I occasionally make forays into the realm of colour just to see how it feels, but it never fully takes. I’m simply not someone who cares to give much thought to what brown shirt goes with what pair of pants or if that shade of green makes me look pasty or not. If it’s black, I’m good to go, and I like being good to go in about five minutes or less.
Over my more than two decades of dressing darkly,I’ve found that black clothing can do more for a person than just appeal to their frugality, though, and it’s versatility extends well beyond its ability to go with anything:
- Black clothing can keep you from getting arrested. It’s true. That time when a couple of friends and I thought it was a good idea to set an effigy on fire in a public park on Guy Fawkes Day, and the police and the fire department showed up with search lights, I was able to blend into the dark and disappear into the night. If I had been wearing red, things might not have turned out so well for me.
- People take your creative pursuits more seriously. If two people show up at a reading, one dressed in black and the other in floral, the audience would almost always rather hear the former’s writing than the latter, even if we think the person in black might take themselves too seriously. Or maybe it’s that floral is just bad, because floral is most definitely bad.
- Having a mostly black wardrobe means that putting an outfit together is a speedy process. It becomes more about wearing what you feel like rather than having to figure out what goes together.
- Black is slimming. Every time I wear a close-fitting black turtleneck, someone asks me if I’ve lost weight, and I give myself permission to eat an extra piece of cake.
- Black clothing means you get to eat extra cake!
So, when black clothing increases wardrobe versatility, can be dyed into an extended lifespan, keeps you from getting arrested, increases your social standing, makes you look slimmer, and gives you an excellent excuse to eat more cake, I can’t think of a reason why you would wear anything else unless you’re a rich, wasteful, skinny bitch with all the time in the world who hates cake.
Black, at least for this Schmutzie, is most definitely where it’s at.
About Schmutzie
Hell to the yeah. Though usually I wear jeans with black tops. The blue in blue jeans doesn’t count as color in my book.
Twitter Name: magpiemusing
I 100% agree with you. The blue in jeans does not count. I don’t know why it doesn’t, but it just doesn’t.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
and if it DID become a color for some inane reason…then wear black jeans!
When I moved to a cold climate 2 winters ago, I bought lots of black for versatility… but now I’m adding PINK! and stuff. Because black can be depressing if you’re a tropical lass. But I love it anyway. I’ll probably end up wearing black for summer and bright for winter…
I don’t find black depressing at all! But then, of course, I am completely and utterly biased.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
I only find it depressing in the winter… but I find EVERYTHING depressing in the winter. Come on Spring!!!!
I love the look of blue jeans with black tops, jackets, belts, whatever.
But it never occurred to me to throw in a pack of black dye with the darks! Schmutzie, you are my heroine today!
Also, I don’t find black depressing unless it’s faded. If it’s sharp and dark, my golden tresses look absolutely smashing against it.
The black dye in the laundry bit is amazing. I must caution you to run an empty load with bleach afterwards, though; otherwise, you might not like how your towels or whathaveyou turn out.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
My go-to is navy, gray, or black. Yes, I have 3 go-tos. Don’t judge. All black looks great since I have dark hair & blue eyes. Navy brings out my eyes. And gray, well it apparently just likes me!
I just don’t really “do” color all that well. And pink? I have exactly one pink t-shirt that I wear exactly once per year, for the breast cancer walk. The only reason I like it is because it says “Fight Like a Girl.” It’s safe to say me & pink do not have a good working relationship.
Twitter Name: bonesysblahg
I’ve tried to like pink, because many nice things are pink – bubble gum, candy floss, pigs – but I just can’t like it. I’m probably not nice.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Probably not, but what does that say about me? I don’t even TRY to like it. Nevermind. Don’t answer that question.
Twitter Name: bonesysblahg
Black, black, black, grey, black, and then some more black just for good measure. That is what you see when you open my side of the closet. Sometimes I dabble in aubergine (DARING!) or silver (ohhh shiny!) but black is my safety dance.
BTW: ‘If I had too much colour on hand, I was liable to end up looking like an Easter egg with a Toni perm.’ — awesome.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
I’ve seen you in person, and I think those really ARE the only colours I’ve seen you in. You look damn fine in them, though :)
Twitter Name: schmutzie
You know what I took away from this? That I can buy DYE and put it in my WASHER and it will refresh my black clothes?? I feel like I just learned the secret to unlocking the universe!
That dye thing is seriously good info. Your black clothes will always be awesome. As I noted in an earlier comment, but it bears repeating, run an empty load afterwards with some bleach to clean out your washer. Otherwise you might end up with some grey sheets or towels.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
I like pie.
It’s America’s favourite dessert!
Twitter Name: schmutzie
I swear I have seen that plaid shirt in action, outside of your house.
You look fab in black. I wear it lots but need color in my wardrobe. You still love me right?
Twitter Name: DExtraordinaire
You caught me! You comment just reminded me that I did wear it once at Blissdom, because I didn’t want to be labelled That Blogger Who Wore Nothing But Black.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
In the past couple years I have tried to be more colorful. I wore only black for years, for pretty much the same reasons as you. Looking at the clothes I have with me in this camper, I have realized that other than a couple pairs of blue jeans…everything is black again. No color at all, except for a bright red sweater that I am thinking of cutting the arms off of to make leg warmers. Black is where it’s at!
I like your sweater legwarmers plan! I think I’m going to hunt up my stash of old sweaters.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
I have a cousin who is very, very color blind and was constantly wearing navy pants with a purple shirt unless someone “dressed” him. Except he was (well, IS) WAAAAY too independent to anybody’s Ken doll. So he just wears everything in shades of black, white and gray.
Twitter Name: sharonkurheg
Smart! I used to know a guy who was very colour blind, and he was forever telling me how much he loved his new sweater or some new pair of pants because of the way they looked together. He thought he was some kind of fashionista, but he was actually a bit of an eyesore. He eventually moved to more muted tones, and everyone’s eyes were saved :)
Twitter Name: schmutzie