Pleasuring Your Face Hole the EZPZ Way. Nutella included!

It’s cold as hail & all I want to do is build up my fat reserves (even more) & bury myself in my large bed with a phat stack of shitty gossip mags.

So, in my quest for an easy dinner (PLUS a dessert that involves Nutella! Holler!), I concocted these morsels of goodness. Allow me to share this “recipe” with you so you can bring happiness to your face holes.

What you will need:

  • A tube of crescent rolls (or two). I like the “butter flavor” because, well, duh.
  • Ham. Any cooked meat will do. Make use of your meaty leftovers if you have some.
  • Cheese (I used muenster. Feel free to use what you’ve got. Even the square orange kind will work).
  • Nutella (get the big jar so you can eat it with a spoon while they bake. (DON’T ACT LIKE YOU DON’T WANT TO DO THAT).

EZPZ directions:

  1. First, if applicable- remove all small children from your legs. We all know once you start doing something you need to do, they come out of the woodwork & cling to you for dear life. It’s like a law of attraction or thermodynamics or something.
  2. Bust open that can of crescent rolls! I hate it when it startles me, so instead of penetrating the seam with a spoon, I just punch it over & over on the counter. It’s a technique I developed from years of crescent and/or cinnamon roll consumption. (click that READ MORE thing for lots o’ mouth watering photos)!
  3. Unravel the dough & place the ham & cheese on the widest end of four of the triangles like so:
  4. Smear heaping spoonfuls of Nutella onto the remaining four.
  5. Beware of  spoon wielding toddlers.

    This picture is slightly out of focus because I am a mediocre photographer & also because my daughter is quick like a ninja.

  6. Roll ‘em up starting at the widest end.
  7. Stick those babies in the oven to get all melty!
  8. Set your timer & then take this time to look at my new dirty Valentine’s cards that are making people happy in the pants area all over the world.  You know, if you like being happy in your pants area.
  9. Don’t turn your back on spoon wielding ninja toddlers otherwise this is what you’ll find:
  10. Take those suckers out of the oven & put them in your face hole.

    behold the cheesy melty goodness!

    behold the nutella-y melty goodness!

    thumbs up for pleasuring your taste buds, y'all!

    If you’d like a vegetarian option just follow the same steps but substitute the ham with a carrot or something.

About Robin Plemmons

Robin Plemmons is an artist. She makes greeting cards in her own funky handwriting that say things like, "Congratulations on making a human with your genitals!" & "I hope you washed your crotch because I'm about to put my face in it." You can find them in her Etsy Shop. She blogs at ballstothewallyall.com & tweets like a horny hyena. Follow her if you like that kind of thing: @robinplemmons.

Comments

  1. Ay ay ay… there should be a pre-warning or something to posts like these! How can you post such a delicious recipes and add mouth-watering photos and then leave me stranded with no ingredients to make these with! {Sulks}

    Looks like a supermarket trip is on the agenda for today then, after all!!!

    Oh, and the carrot version? I prefer parsnip myself.

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  2. Jayne says:

    *DROOLS*

    Wow. Just…wow.

    *GRABS COAT, KID, KEYS, CASH*

    Supermarket, here I come!

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  3. HA!!! I love the vegetarian version, and the glimpse of shine on the ninja toddlers perfect little bow-shaped mouth.

    Face holes FTW~!

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  4. oh wow!

    Does Chicky Baby know you wrote about Nutella??

    She once strangled a chipmunk to get a jar!

    SHHHH. SECRET!

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  5. Lori says:

    Oh man, I can not stop laughing at the carrot!

  6. Virginia says:

    I too hate the explodey can of crescent rolls, biscuits and what not. My husband laughs at me because to avoid this crazy I put it in a closeable tupperware container then heave it around my kitchen a few times and eventually it pops. It works wonders for getting out aggression too.

    All of these items are on my list for my grocery store run tomorrow. I wonder if I can convince my husband that making these with 7 different meats constitutes a different kind of meal every night.

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  7. MamaKaren says:

    Mmmm, Nutella. Nectar of the gods, I say.

    I think I may try the main dish portion of this recipe with some sliced pepperoni and half a cheddar cheese stick in each cresent. Heart clogging goodness will abound.

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  8. The carrot part has had me giggling here for about 3 minutes straight. Love it. Also am craving all of the above (minus carrot). Good thing I used coupons to stock up on crescents and other Pillsbury goodness recently :P Thanks!!

  9. Jennifer says:

    And you know the great thing about this recipe? It is so easy to quadruple.

  10. Elizabeth says:

    ok, that is effed up. but hilarious. and maybe I would eat it. bravo! (btw, I absolutely HATE it when the rolls burst and scare me too. I usually make my husband do it. It’s like popping balloons. EEKK!)

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  11. MommyGeek says:

    ROFL. I love the carrot.

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  12. katherine says:

    I’m embarrassed that I got through college AND grad school and never thought of this myself. YOU ARE A GENIUS. And now I’m embarrassed that I got through college and grad school and still always feel like I’m spelling “embarrassed” wrong.

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  13. ChickyBaby says:

    I saw “Nutella” and went to my happy place.

    Seriously, it never makes it past the spoon and into my mouth. I have no self control. I would dip that carrot in Nutella, full stop.

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  14. BetaDad says:

    Good gawd amighty! My stomach is all growly now. I am not allowed to have Nutella in the house because, like Chicky Baby, I cannot resist its siren song. I will eat a whole jar, and while writhing in pain and self-disgust afterward, eat half of another jar.

    Also, carrot sight-gag is golden!

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  15. I am DYING. Penetrating the seams did make me LOL. And I don’t use that overused abbreviation lightly. But the carrot. The carrot KILLED me. Tears rolling down my cheeks. Killed. Also my daughters are quick like ninjas and I have sucky camera skillz.

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  16. Faiqa says:

    The carrot? Pure comic genius.

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  17. Kate says:

    Yum! Great ideas. But still, I think Nutella’s best accompaniment is a spoon…I’ll try your suggestion if ever I can take out the jar without finishing it, straight.

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  18. Ron Mattocks says:

    These are good ideas. We have to use this stuff because of our peanut allergy kids & they seem to like it pretty well.

    on another note

    “Pleasuring your face-hole” That’s a headline no one could dare pass up. It screams Must Read! You are comedic gold.

  19. Mel says:

    Ha. Seriously snorted out LOUD when I saw your ‘vegetarian option’. Hilarious, and delicious!

  20. Becca says:

    Crap. Now I have to go to the store.

  21. Holy shit! If these were gluten free I would be in big trouble. But I am pretty sure I can substitute bacon…

  22. Julie says:

    The carrot version made me LOL. Great idea for a quick lunch/dessert. Thanks!

  23. Amy says:

    Please tell me you were joking about the vegetarian option!
    Who would use a carrot if they could use cheese, Nuttela and ham?!

    Thanks, a MUST try!

Trackbacks

  1. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Kelby Carr, Katherine Malone and Robin Plemmons, KimL. KimL said: Pleasuring Your Face Hole the EZPZ Way. Nutella included! http://t.co/FTOf8V1 via @aiminglow [...]

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