Over Halloween, I had one of those earth-shattering realizations that was probably completely obvious to anyone else who has ever bought a twenty dollar children’s costume from Amazon: we don’t dress our kids up primarily because they enjoy it, or even because we enjoy it. We dress them up so that other people–especially total strangers–will squeal, “Oh my God that is so cuuuute!”
And the reason this is important is because it reflects well on us–partly as parents, but more importantly, as people with the ability to spew forth attractiveness from our crusty loins.
This dawned on me as our twin girls toddled through the sea of flowers at our neighborhood farmers’ market with their ladybug and bumblebee costumes on. I had known they would get some attention, of course. Babies usually do, and multiples are even more of a sideshow than singletons.
What I didn’t expect is that the considerable fawning by the well-heeled locavores would make me feel better about myself. After all, I was responsible for at least half of the twins’ cuteness! So, it made no difference what I looked like at the moment. I may as well have been invisible, because my essence shone through in the blinding glare of our daughters’ adorableness.
Since my big Halloween breakthrough in understanding my new and welcome invisibility, I have seen it working to my advantage everywhere. No time to shower and shave before the big Thanksgiving dinner? No problem. Break out the Tea Collection dresses, and I’m nothing more than half the genes of a couple delicate little sprites. Unflattering camera angle accentuate the patchy hair in a Christmas morning photo? No sweat. All anyone can see is the grinning baby in the Santa hat anyway.
If you read my last post here, about lame Christmas cards, you are surely calling me a hypocrite by now for wrapping up my own identity in that of my children after criticizing parents who do the same thing by only including images of their kids, and not themselves, in the “family” portraits on their holiday cards. To that I would reply, “I know you are but what am I.”
I don’t hide the ruins of my former physical self from the public, I just choose to deflect attention from it by carrying a cherub on each love handle. It can’t be any less comfortable than wearing Spanx, can it?
If you weren’t already put off by my hypocrisy, you certainly are now saying, “Good God but he’s shallow! Look at the lengths he goes to to convince me that he doesn’t care about his appearance! He doth protest too much!”
Yeah…I have to admit that you’re onto something there. The fact is that I’m not always so glib about how the years of hard living–and even more so the years of not-so-hard living–have suddenly caught up to me. I’ve always had a vain streak, and so it pains me to see a zaftig, balding schlub peering out of puffy eyes from behind Walgreen’s reading glasses in the bathroom mirror, when I have been pretty prideful about looking and feeling almost the same over the twenty years before the babies were born.
Is that shallow? Yes. Yes, it is. But it’s the unique combinations of all our shallow concerns that make us into the complex individuals that we are. (See how I just did that? Deep, right?) Anyway, yeah, I’m shallow and vain. There was a time, it seems like eons ago (because it was), that my wife and I used to be gymrats and regularly have our body fat measured. We not only read the nutrition labels on food (we still do that), but actually adjusted our intake accordingly.
At the height of our vanity, while we were rehashing the questionable wardrobe decisions we had witnessed at a party, I said “Can you imagine what it must be like to not be the most attractive couple in the room?” It became a little joke between the two of us that we would haul out to counteract excessive self-satisfaction.
We don’t have much need for that joke these days.
Instead, we have a new joke: “Can you imagine what it must be like to not have the cutest babies in the room?”
About BetaDad
Good god but you’re shallow! :-)
I don’t dress my kids up on Halloween so strangers say they’re cute. I dress them up so strangers give them candy and I can steal that candy while they’re sleeping. Oh yeah, mother of the year!
Twitter Name: DrLori71
Oh–we benefit from the candy too. That would be a whole post in itself!
Twitter Name: betadad
I can soooo relate…. I have 3 good looking kids and am proud of them.
I’m really proud of our kids’ cuteness too. I just feel weird about that pride. I mean, did I really do anything to be proud of?
Twitter Name: betadad
sure- you gave them the best of your genes!!!!
Oh, I get this. My son, age 3, was a UPS delivery man for Halloween. Um, SO CUTE. Little hat and brown shoes, included. Well, he totally thinks his UPS outfit is REAL clothes, and once a week or so, after I put it out of the laundry, he wears it. He gets TONS of attention due to it.
So, I’m secretly going to be sad when he grows out of it.
Twitter Name: DTKMMeLookCrazy
Hahahaha…our kids want to wear their little bumble bee and ladybug outfits all the time too. And it’s really tempting to let them do so. But I think the reactions would soon turn from, “Aw, that’s cute” to, “Man, that’s weird and kinda sad. That guy really wants attention.”
Twitter Name: betadad
I totally love this post. And I loved the other one. I think I love you. Or perhaps it’s those adorable little twins …
Twitter Name: mommygeekology
Thanks! And…it’s the twins. Trust me.
I’m cuter than my kid. And she’s ok with that.
My parents are cuter than me, too. And I’m decidedly NOT okay with that.
You already know what I’m going to say (other than, great post, of course):
You’re not allowed to write this until you’re bald. Talk to me then. That’s when vanity sings out a hearty “See ya, buddy!” and hits the road. (Sigh.)
Did I mention great post?
Twitter Name: didacticpirate
Whatever, dude. If I could trade my scant dusting of hair for your ripped-to-shreds abs, I’d do it in a heartbeat. (That doesn’t sound gay, does it? It’s just that I happen to have once been in a shirts-optional environment with DiPi. I chose to leave mine on.)
Thanks for the compliment, pal!
sometimes i’ll be walking through the mall with my teenage daughter and upon feeling the eyes on me, istart to think i’m having a good hair/skinny day, but then i realize, “nope, still invisible, my hot daughter is giving all the men whiplash.”
Twitter Name: pattypunker
Oh Lord. I shudder whenever I think of that scenario. I really need to start practicing my “I’m going to gut you with a Garden Weasel” stare in preparation for when that day comes.
Can’t do the “most attractive couple in the room ” thing,only half of that .(That’s Mrs Jack obviously).I’m more like Wendy Craig than Daniel Craig.
Another excellent piece BD.
Twitter Name: JacksofBuxton
Thanks!
I had to look up Wendy Craig (this isn’t the first time you’ve led me to some Brit pop culture). Eh–could be worse.
I have 3 kids, the girl brought on oodles of praise and squeals of delight. The boys, not so much. You and Dr. Mom will have to produce a boy, for comparison sake only.
Judi, mom of 4 year old Tyler who still dresses up in his Diego outfit from Halloween. Go for it. Doesn’t bother me a bit.
Twitter Name: judihudek
Part of me wants to have more kids, but another part of me is scared that we used up all of our good karma on the first batch.
I think girls are just more irresistible. But I might have a bit of bias.
At least you can claim credit for your twins. We can’t do that with our puppy.
“Ohmigod, he’s the cutest little thing! Oh, but you guys look… tired??”
Twitter Name: txtingmrdarcy
Yeah…we can kind of claim credit. I guess the thing I can take credit for is being able to find a spouse whose DNA compliments my own. That’s something, anyway.
Vanity thy name is Jack, or something that rhymes with it. We’re getting ready to move so I have been digging through the garage to get rid of things. I stumbled across a pair of jeans that were well worn and so very comfortable.
I wondered why the comfortable jeans were out there when clearly I should be wearing them. Decided to try them on and found myself engaged in all out war to get them zipped up. Finally did and decided that I was an idiot to try and wear something from college.
Next Halloween I’ll need my kids to be cuter than their father who will likely still be wearing those same jeans because they are too tight to take off.
Twitter Name: thejackb
That just made me remember–I was wearing some work pants the other day and my wife asked me how long I had had them. They have survived over twelve years (Dickies quality! Plus I only break out the long pants when it gets below 45 degrees). And they still fit! (Only they used to be baggy and now they are skin tight.)
I love this! But, as a parent of freakishly adorable children – I do have a question. What do you do when you’re stopped in public by people who just want to ooooh and aaaah over your kids and then say: “Your children are BEAUTIFUL!”. Do you say thanks? Because doesn’t that sound kind of self-involved? I mean we do share genetic material with them, but it’s just the luck of the draw that they turned out to be WAY better looking than either my husband or I could have imagined. My husband likes to say, “Aren’t they? Thank GOD they look like their mother (that would be me. Insert blush here.)” – and the best that I’ve ever come up with is: “Thanks! We made them ourselves!”
Thoughts?
I have exactly that problem! (Of course I panic at receiving any compliment, especially if delivered face-to-face.)
“Thanks” sounds self-satisfied, and “I know” does as well, but in a slightly different way. I usually say “I agree” or “I thought it was just me who thought that.” But there’s got to be a better way to respond than that.
Anybody else have a solution?
Uh, are you thinking they’ll stay adorable babies for the rest of their lives? Whatya gonna do when they go through their first ugly phase, blame it on their mother? And yes, there will be some phases… small mouth/100s of teeth, hormonal acne/emotions eruptions, bad hair years, mustache at 13…(oh yeah, scratch that one, you have girls).
*fingers in ears* LalalalalalalIcan’thearyoulalalalalalalalala…
I’m way prideful of my sons’ flabbergastingly good looks and general adorableness. I don’t even try to hide it. He’s my blonde mini-me and his cuteness only amplifies my own awesomeness because, well, he has half my genes. I’m also very modest.
Twitter Name: izzymom
Well. You go on with your bad self, sister!
Impressive use of ‘I know you are, but what am I?’ Well played, sir, well played.
I may not be much to look at, but I’m nothing if not scathing with the repartee.
so you are saying that using your child as a way to boost your self esteem is not a good thing? ooohhh…….
eeks.
Far be it from me to judge. But, yes. We are all horrible.
Based on how I am with my cat (who you got to meet!! remember how wonderful she was?), I bet if I had kids I’d not only accept compliments, but be like, “Hey, check out how insanely cute my kid is!” I’m only against pride when it’s tied in with arrogant self-satisfaction and self-centeredness. Otherwise, I think pride that is simply a joyful appreciation for some gift in your life is quite good, and something other people enjoy witnessing or sharing in. Maybe you haven’t had as much practice with this, being a man. I think girls do it a lot in the form of, “OMG, you have to see the new shoes I just bought! Aren’t they fabulous?” etc, etc.
I would write something about vanity, but I have to run off to my yoga class to keep my body looking so damn fine.
I like your take on pride. You are wise, as always. Except for the gender thing. I think most guys get plenty of practice at being overweeningly proud.
I’m definitely counting on the help that will no doubt come when we have twins. They get bonus cuteness points in the eyes of the world. And I’m going to need it because all this lack of sleep is really catching up to me.
I’ve found that people are pretty helpful when they see one guy taking care of twins. It may be the cuteness, or just that they are worried for the welfare of the children.
Twitter Name: betadad
I am not sure “schlub” is a word I would ever use to describe you. The vain part is definitely true though.
Awww…that’s so nice. I’m just vain, balding, and zaftig. But not a schlub. I’ll take that.
Twitter Name: betadad
Man, this is resonated with me SO much… my husband and I were that gymrat/nutrition label reading couple, too. Now, we just look at photos from that time in our lives and try not to weep.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
I was looking at a photo album that my kids had destroyed the other day and saw a pic of me from maybe 15 years ago. I remember seeing the same pic 3 years ago and not thinking that I had changed much in the previous 12 years, and not thinking it was a particularly stunning photo.
But my reaction the other day was like, “Holy shit! I was ripped! What’s happened to me since then?” The decline has been recent and sudden. Definitely worth a tear or two.
I was just thinking that I am starting to look my age (after always looking very young). Perhaps I need to have a child to improve my looks. What’s that? You think I’m shallow for saying that? I know you are,but what am I?
Loooove your work by the way…
The thing about having a kid to improve your looks is that it only works when you have the kid with you. It’s like getting a really nice jacket–you can’t wear it all the time, and it doesn’t do you any good when it’s in the closet.
Thanks for the loooooooove!
dude, susan said it right before
Actually this post has raised a belief I’ve had about the many thing adults make kids do that they more than likely don’t enjoy. Many a child looks miserable the self-indulgent, overly elaborate costume (www.stuff-about.com)