A year and a half ago, a young, terrifically gorgeous twenty year old man sitting across from me casually said that he “totally dug cougars.” I am not nor was I at the time “in the market” for a man (being happily married and all that), but, still, his words inspired…pure… elation.
Finally! A young man who possessed both discerning taste and the acute intellectual capacity to appreciate substance over form… an obviously special youth who had completely avoided becoming the hapless victim of a civilization that has unrelentingly shoved the idea down our throats that extreme youth does not only equate to beauty, but that it is, in fact, the singular prerequisite for it.
Yes, my friends, pure elation in that moment.
Followed by seething, murderous rage.
Because ten seconds after he said he “dug cougars,” this CHILD said, “Hell, yeah, older women are hot… I definitely prefer hooking up with women who are kinda weathered, you know, about TWENTY FIVE years old or so…”
I’m not sure what he said after that because the only things that were stopping me from beating the snot out of this kid is that he happened to be my best friend’s brother, I was at her house, he had more muscles than me than me and, I don’t know, all that seemed to point in the direction of “totally awkward.”
But, seriously, kid? Seriously? Twenty-five is weathered?
Having celebrated my 35th birthday this past Sunday, I am obviously a geriatric.
Obviously.
Do I feel old? Hell.YES, and let me tell you, twenty five year olds of the world, it feels damned GREAT to feel this old.
I don’t care if you’re a 22 year old aerospace engineer who has an IQ of 346 who is developing embryos that will populate the moon with toxic waste eating humanoids that will do our laundry for us. Or that you do all this while simultaneously enjoying your hobby of being a runway model in your spare time whenever you have a chance to take a break from your demanding schedule at the Miss Universe competition.
I am a weathered, thirty five year old writer, wife and mom, and I am still incredible. I do not mourn for one second for the time that I was your age. Because today, I am a majestic piece of art, forged by thirty five years of fire, water, and all kinds of other elements that turns shit into pure awesomeness.
Let’s use Socratic Method to further discuss this situation.
(That means let me ask you all sorts of condescending questions until you understand what I’m trying to teach you.)
(Please note that proper use of the Socratic Method is always preceded by a condescending attempt to define something you probably already know the meaning of).
What part of a song is the best part?
The middle. Because that’s the part where you’re already warmed up and are now shaking your head like an idiot and belting out “SO-WHAT-I’M-STILL-A-ROCKSTAH” at the top of our lungs.
What part of a Reese’s peanut butter cup is the most awesome?
I won’t even dignify that with an answer.
What part of a movie is the best part?
It is absolutely not the beginning when all they’re doing is telling you who the hell everyone is or the lame part when Mr. Smith comes knocking at Neo’s door.
It’s the middle.
The middle is where it all happens, we know enough, we’re ready to move, to act… to do… to bust up in that room with our long black coats and cool shades and say, “Hey, that’s weird, I just saw that cat…”
Yeah.
The middle.
I got no problem with that.
Until about twenty years from now, where obviously the best part will be the part closest to, but not completely, towards the end.
About Faiqa Khan
Bravo, and I’ve got 10 years of weathering on you!
I remember reading Egger’s Heartbreaking Work of Staggering…. and there’s a line where he’s afraid to see an older woman naked cuz she’s gonna be all ugly and all… she was 30 or thereabouts! YIKES! I wanted to slap THE AUTHOR (not character) upside his head with my 4-kids grown saggy-ass breasts! Numbnut! Jackass!
The middle baby, The Middle. xo
Twitter Name: returntoworkmom
Well. I think I want to slap him, too.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
From a 36yo woman *clapclapclapclap*
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Is that you clapping me over the head… or… umm, thank you? What’s the right answer? Just tell me…
Twitter Name: Faiqa
My 35-year-old self (with a 27-year-old husband) is clapping too. You should definitely remind him of his weathered comment when he hits his 30s. I wouldn’t go back to my 20s if you paid me.
Sherry
Twitter Name: prCarrS
Word. (That’s what alll the 35 year olds are saying when they agree with each other, right?)
Twitter Name: Faiqa
this woman, at 39 AND A HALF, is in love with this line:
“Because today, I am a majestic piece of art, forged by thirty five years of fire, water, and all kinds of other elements that turns shit into pure awesomeness.”
(and i am totally stealing it.)
Twitter Name: hellohahanarf
Yeah, that was my favorite part, too. Also, you look great!
Twitter Name: Faiqa
If you’re pure awesome at 35, I must be… awesomer. More awesome? Awesomely awesome? Awesome to the max?
Twitter Name: msmegan
Definitely. Yes. All of the above.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
Hmmmm….
I keep thinking that the best part of a song and a movie is the end.
Does that mean I have a death wish?
Twitter Name: missbritt
Huh. Maybe. I’m usually bored by the end because I’ve figured it out. Wow. THAT sounded douchey.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
The best part of this piece is…the middle. The part about “forged by 35 years of…” 35 is like a distant memory to me; but I was banging my head and shaking my fist in the air when I read that passage nonetheless. Now my neck and shoulder are all hurty.
There’s a woman who I see at the dog park all the time who (I was shocked to find out) is 53, and her confidence, carriage, and attitude are hella-sexy. On the other side of the equation, I’ve taught classes to college girls who are very attractive until words start coming out of their mouths.
And you know what’s even sexier? A man who can actually make the distinguishing quality you just described between those women. Huh. That sentence was structured kind of awkward. I’m going to just assume you know what I mean. Because I’m old *and* lazy.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
I am SO there with you! Of course, when I’m in the middle of one of “those” dreams, I spring completely awake when I’m supposed to get naked (in front of a stranger – ’cause it’s one of THOSE dreams).
In any case, I may not care too much for a lot of the music my kids listen to, but that one of Pink’s is my themesong!! As is Katy Perry Brand’s Firework.
Great piece!!
Twitter Name: simplytrece
I love Katy Perry. I kind of have the musical taste of a 16 year old, though.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
Oh, WOW. You know you are an incredible writer, right? This post was awesaome. LOVED it.
Now, I must say, I enjoy the outside of a Reese Peanut Butter Cup the most, not the middle. I also enjoy ONLY the outside of an Oreo cookie, and not the middle.
I’m 34 years old, and I’m lately NOT okay with my age. I don’t know why. I had a great a time in my 20′s. And in my teen years. I think now, I’m just, I don’t know… clinging to the past, to my youth? Almost scared of getting older?
However, so much is great right now – there is nothing I love more than being a mom to my boys, and they are my entire life. I was born to be a mom, and I wouldn’t go back to re-live one day in my 20′s and give up what I have now. I don’t know, though. I feel old. I don’t want to be a cougar! I’m not yet, right? RIGHT? ;)
Sorry for rambling… OMG.
And I meant awesome, not awesaome, although you’re so awesome, you deserve an extra letter.
First, thanks. Second, you don’t have to be a cougar if you don’t want to be! Last, shut up, you’re beautiful.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
I agree, problem is I’m now sliding headfirst RAPIDLY to the end!
RAPIDLY, huh? Well… it’s going to take me some time to make lemonade out of THAT… Luckily, I have a few years to think about it? ;-)
Twitter Name: Faiqa
You are onto something here. I am a middle child! And! I live in the middle of town! AND! I love reece’s cups! And oreos (the middle!). Wow. Spot on.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
See? I’m a genius. Or wait, I’m average. In the middle. Um. Excuse me while I go work that one out…
Twitter Name: Faiqa
You are pure awesomeness.
My saggy butt turns 41 tomorrow and I need a little you on my shoulder so I can reclaim some of the awesomeness that was me at 35.
Twitter Name: therealneeroc
Well, since I can’t go backwards, I’m going to say that 41 is MORE awesome than 35. Yep.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
I’m 26, but I look and probably feel more weathered than any of you. Can I still join your club?!
Twitter Name: jaynecrammond
Absolutely! Age is a state of mind, yes? This is why admission may be denied to a few 35 year olds out there… they know who they are. ;-)
Twitter Name: Faiqa
Between me and my husband and now my son, we’ve owned game consoles over the years – more than I can count, including Nintendo NES, 64, Wii, Xbox (classic & 360), Sega Genisis, PS2, PS3, etc. But, the last few years I’ve settled down to one line of consoles. Why? Because I was happy to discover how well-designed and fun to use the widely popular Xbox 360 is.