January 2011 Horoscopes for Low Aimers

Aries: You’re singing like Aretha demanding RESPECT right now, as well you should. I’ll sing back up for you. You are craving more autonomy, aligning your projects and social media platforms, and flat out rollling up your sleeves and getting your shit together. Sock it to me sock it to me!

Taurus: You are about ready to pull the trigger and sign up for that trip or new thing you’ve been thinking about, so Mazel Tov, chica. January is going to be like that scene in Free Willy where the boy is on the rocks and gives him the sign to “Jump High.” (Which only works if you are talking to trained Willies, by the way, don’t stand in the streets of San Francisco or Manhattan and expect THAT to work. Times Square, maybe, not sure.) Anyway, yeah, go for it!

Gemini: This month might feel like a extended director’s cut of Titanic to you, sweet Gemini.  The drama! The tears! The triumph!  Here’s hoping that a handsome artist offers to make a lovely sketch of your ass to really treasure the moment. Here’s also hoping that Celine Dion is no where to be heard.

Cancer: You are tapped to prop up, wake up, entertain, feed, bail out and otherwise rescue others this month more than your average Rolling Stones groupie. Which is a lot. Don’t forget to take care of yourself, too.  Remember, that oxygen mask on the plane goes on your mouth first.  That’s what the flight attendant says, and they are the keepers of the Diet Cokes and tiny bottles of clear and brown liquids which is what I want more than a flotation device in case of emergency, so I do what they say, and so should you.

Leo: This month finds you feeling less stressed and more confident in the new you that is taking control after recent changes. Go ahead, shout it from the rooftops, from your blog, Facebook and Twitter–hell, start a new blog, what’s one more?–you are inspiring others who need a boost to make it to the other side, too. Rawr!

Virgo: You seem to be getting your house in order. I guess you mean it when you say you really don’t want to be on Hoarders, do you? Maybe you are thinking about or needing to move, or you’ve been inspired by lifestyle blogs to redecorate and re-Feng Shui what you’ve got. I know, the Mrs. is fabulous, isn’t she?  Good timing, you’ll be ready to work should that interesting opportunity come through towards the end of the month.

Libra: People are really starting to pay attention and listen to you.  I know! Which is great, because you’ve got a lot to say. It’s also kind of scary, because you don’t want every status update or sticky note to be seen as a Manifesto. Some of them, sure, but not all of them.  Just use it for good, like when that kid in Billy Madison pees his pants, and Adam Sandler dumps water on his own pants and tells the kids that if you want to be cool, you’ve gotta have wet pants.  Do stuff like that, just maybe without involving bodily fluids that need to be worn all day, because at the end of the day nobody likes that.

Scorpio: You are busy, but you are feeling strong and brave, happy that things are finally happening the way you want them to this month. Seriously, you ARE the girl with the short skirt and the looooooong jacket and the mind like a diamond that everyone’s been singing about.  Oh, snap!