How To Help A Friend Who Is Being Abused

All month, Aiming Low Does Good has been focused on supporting Violence Unsilenced and efforts to support victims and survivors of domestic abuse.  We’ve shared how you can support the VU website and how you can help domestic abuse victims in your local community.

Today we want to take one step even closer and look at what you can do when domestic violence happens to someone you know.

It’s estimated that one in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.  In other words, the odds of this happening to someone you know at some point are very, very high.  Preparing yourself with information about how to help is, I think, just as important as learning to dial 9-1-1 in case of an emergency.

How to Help a Friend Who Is Being Abused

• Talk about it.  Listen. The silence that surrounds domestic violence is one of the biggest reasons it’s able to continue.  Isolation is a weapon that abusers use to keep their victims trapped.  Talking to a victim of abuse can make a huge impact, even if you don’t “convince them to leave”.  One of the best things you can do is listen, show that you believe your friend, affirm that being abused is not their fault.
• Be a resource. Get familiar with the hotline numbers and local domestic violence support systems in your area.  Someone who is being abused or living in a controlling, unsafe environment may have a difficult time researching this information.  Providing your friend with numbers and information when and if they decide to leave can help.
• Be a safe place. Domestic abuse is serious.  Victims can be in real danger, often life-threatening.  Offer to keep important papers or extra clothes at your home in case your friend decides to leave.  Help create a safety plan.  Do not minimize the risk your friend is facing.
• Encourage. Abusers are often masters at destroying self esteem.  Making a victim feel worthless is a powerful and effective way of keeping them locked in the abusive situation.  Focus on your friend’s strengths when you can.  Remind him or her of their talents.  Affirm their worth and remind them that they do deserve safety, security and love.

Talking about suspected abuse isn’t easy.  You may think it’s none of your business or that any “normal” person would get out of an abusive relationship.  Perhaps you know the abuser and find it difficult to imagine they would be capable of violence.  While all of these doubts are natural, your friend needs someone to speak out for them.

The best way you can stop domestic violence in the world is to step up when it happens in your world.

How do you know if your friend is being abused?

You probably won’t know for sure if you don’t ask.  It’s unlikely that an abuser would physically assault their victim in front of someone else (although this can happen).  You may get a feeling that something’s not right.  Some warning signs to look for include:

• Evidence of injuries – black eyes, bruises, broken bones
• Missing work or other appointments frequently
• Partner seems to have a lot of control over your friend’s life
• Changes in your friend’s behavior or their children’s behavior
• Partner embarrasses or ridicules your friend in public
• Low self-esteem
• Fear of conflict

If you suspect your friend is being abused, ask.

Yes it will be an uncomfortable conversation.  Yes, she (or he) may get defensive and deny that anything is going on.  Yes, your friend may stay in an abusive relationship even after you’ve talked about it.

But talking about it could save your friend’s life.

It’s worth an uncomfortable conversation.

For more information about how you can help a friend who may be the victim of domestic abuse, contact your local domestic abuse centers.