I’m handicapped.
There’s a limit to the physical exertion I can take.
I have learned to ask for help when I need it.
Sometimes I ask for it when I DON’T NEED IT.
But only now and then.
I would never abuse my handicap.
I promise to use it ONLY for good.
Usually.
TOP TEN THINGS THAT CAUSE YOU TO PULL THE HANDICAPPED CARD
10. There’s only one bag of M&M’s left. They’re peanut.
9. You can cut shamelessly in line to get coffee because a) no one yells at a chick in a wheelchair and b) it’s C-O-F-F-E-E.
8. Start telling telemarketers all your medical problems. See how fast they hang up.
7. Hotel rooms. Have you seen the size of handicapped bathrooms?
6. Cell phone companies. If you haven’t asked for anything, talk to customer service. You will. YOU WILL.
5. You have to fight the urge to move furniture around. Until you can’t anymore.
4. There has never been a reason more appropriate to go to Target. (So, this doesn’t actually have anything to do with being handicapped, but any excuse to go to Promised Land is a good one)
3. There is a crappy show you don’t want to watch. You could DIE AT ANY MOMENT. This may/may not work depending on how badly you abuse #4. Or #5.
2. I haven’t had to take my kids to an animated flick this year.
1. Repeat after me, “But, officer, I’m HANDICAPPED….”
About Anissa Mayhew
Love that you call Target “The Promised Land”. 20 years or so ago we moved to a town that actually had a Wal-Mart. I made a trip there, 2 toddlers in tow, every single day. My dad would usually call me sometime in the afternoon and ask “So…have ya made your pilgrimage to Mecca yet? Or is it yet to come?”
Is it wrong that the back of my tombstone will have direction to the nearest store.?
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Is it wrong that the back of my tombstone will have direction to the nearest store.?
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
I’m not handicapped, but I may adopt #3 anyway.
Awesome list.
Twitter Name: shefindsgraves
You don’t have to be handicapped to ALMOST DIE. Especially if Glee is on!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
ahhh, Target. And the great parking you get there because of your card :O)
Twitter Name: DExtraordinaire
Amazingly at Christmas time i was EVERYONE’S best friend!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Oh, how I love your sense of humor! It says alot when someone can joke about their handicap and make the best of a sometimes diffifcult situation! Thanks for sharing your humor! :)
Twitter Name: lizyost
We do a lot of joking about everything, this is no different.
I think it’s important to teach people there’s jokes to be made with ANY situation.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Would it be really insensitive of me to ask you if you might be able to…you know…score me one of those handicapped parking tags?
Also, #8 is a great idea that anyone can use! I’m gonna try it.
Dude. Are you asking for permission to be insensitive?
Why start asking now??
And if you get #8 on video and blog it we will definitely change your title to “Aiming Low Overlord of the Underworld”
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
pretty…stinking…funny….
needed that today!
Wait til tomorrow and there’s video of me tripping a group of swimsuit models.
On their way to get lunch.
One tic tac each.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Anissa, you crack me up!
That Time of the Month also works as a great way to get things. That Time plus handicap could make Anissa a DANGEROUS woman. Especially with #10. :)
Twitter Name: LoLately
#11 A jar of Nuteela WHILE going to ikea.
People kept dying of excitement!!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Is it wrong I’ve used my son to get him into the bathroom faster? Like, “I’m sorry but my 8yo autistic kid is potty training, PLEASE let us in front!” and they are usually all apologetic and stuff. It’s selfish of me, I know, but I just don’t feel like dealing with pee accidents at the amusement park, you know?
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
Oh but at least there WAS a need to pee.
“CRY DAMMIT!!!”
I’ve never said that.
To my husband.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Hey babe, you were dealt the card — PLAY IT! My friend’s got a really sick kid, and after many tears we’ve come to play that cancer card constantly. We even have eye signal for it: Cops, diners, monster truck shows. I say, why the hell not!
Plus, for added bonus, LOVE watching the recipient squirm and stutter…priceless!
Twitter Name: returntoworkmom
My youngest had cancer and the looks of pity we got as we took crazy advantage of it were just training!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
LOL. I’m loving this. Too funny.
Twitter Name: difbutdeterm
I try not to abuse it.
I try.
I fail!!
But I try.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Same here. ;)
Twitter Name: difbutdeterm
I have come to realize I have 4 ( THATS FOUR) awesome cards to pull. Yet I am totally failing to pull those cards? WTF. So yesterday after I fell on my face in the parking lot because I totally could not see that huge gray cement thing I asked someone to carry my stuff to the car and put it in, since I had purchased eggs and bread and thought myself ” a threat to my groceries” it worked, they got a tip it ended well.
Twitter Name: IamThePeachy1
hell yeah, I’ve seen those bathrooms. Are you kidding? One was bigger then the APT. I was living in in NYC at the time.
You can cut shamelessly in line to get coffee because a) no one yells at a chick in a wheelchair and b) it’s C-O-F-F-E-E.
Wrong. Cut me off on the way to get my fix and I will cut you. The elixir of life, the magical drink is my favorite mistress and I will do anything for her. Wheelchair or not, you will get served…after me. ;)
Twitter Name: thejackb
#8 just gave me a great idea. No, I’m not handicapped, and I don’t have any medical problems that would drive off telemarketers, but I do have a 3 year old. A 3 year old who insists on talking on the phone to say hi to anyone we happen to be on the phone with. A 3 year old who doesn’t *quite* get how to hold the phone properly and doesn’t engage in conversation with the other person but merely rambles a barely-understandable* stream-of-consciousness speech.
Now, I just need a good telemarketer to sic him on.
* He has speech issues which we are getting help for. Still, there are times when it’s hard for US to understand him, much less some stranger on the phone.
Twitter Name: TechyDad
You may be genius and have to arm-wrestle BetaDad for his title of Underlord.
The taunting may start now!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Being an Underlord is overrated. Everyone is always after you. Better to be the mad scientist who lets the Underlord think he’s the boss while flying under the radar. ;-)
Twitter Name: TechyDad
The trick is to find a gig that provides you with minions.
Twitter Name: thejackb
I would add number 11: Never having to go on a school field trip or some other nausea-conjuring volunteer “opportunity”.
Do it.