I have a cold at the moment, and I have all the usual symptoms that go along with that – aching muscles, large quantities of mucus, a creeping lack of a will to live – but I get an extra symptom along with the usual collection whenever this dread virus hits me: I become stupid. Really, really stupid.
For example, I was counting cash at work the other day, and a co-worker asked me how the hell I was coming up with the numbers I had written down. I had written $4.75 down for $1.75 worth of quarters and $20.35 down for $1.35 worth of nickels and so on and so forth. “Oh,” I said, “That’s because I had four quarters and seventy-five cents worth and I had twenty nickels and thirty-five cents worth.” It made sense in its own twisted way, but that didn’t make my math at all useful. And then I forgot what I was doing and wandered away to stare at some boxes, leaving my co-worker to figure out what was what.
It is this virus-induced dullness that has led me to this moment right now in which I am writing an entry about guilty pleasures. I cast a net on Twitter to see if any of my followers had article ideas for me, because I am too dim-witted to come up with my own, and they sent me all kinds of hard topics like the removal of breastfeeding and birthing groups on Facebook and the downfall of the American public school system and sexism in the Sci-Fi world. I’m barely smart enough to count quarters here, people, so I latched onto Rene’s guilty pleasures idea with all the ferocity that a whiny, uninspired 38-year-old with a piece of toilet paper jammed up her nose can muster.
The sad thing is, though, that I still had to look up what guilty pleasures are exactly. No, really. I HAD TO LOOK IT UP. My brain is little more than a mucus blob at this point. It was when I looked up the definition of guilty pleasures that I realized I was still in trouble, even though I had picked what looked like the easiest topic of the lot. According to Wikipedia, a guilty pleasure is “…something one enjoys and considers pleasurable despite feeling guilt for enjoying it. The ‘guilt’ involved is sometimes simply fear of others discovering one’s lowbrow or otherwise embarrassing tastes.” This kind of shame or embarrassment about my often lowbrow likes or dislikes just doesn’t occur to me in most cases. According to my delightful husband, I simply don’t have the normal amount of human shame to experience a guilty pleasure.
If there is some kind of perverse enjoyment that is derived from a guilty pleasure, then I am pleasure-disabled, and, lo, this is very sad.
I have decided to ferret out the pleasures that I think might be construed as guilty ones by those who are more socially habituated than I, and then see if I feel any guilt, shame, or embarrassment about them.
Five of Schmutzie’s (Possibly) Guilty Pleasures
- Singing really loudly along with the Bee Gees scotch tapes my sometimes fragile spirit back together.
- My cat likes to lick out my stinky armpits, and it feels really good, like a long and satisfying back scratch.
- Dressing hot dogs with a generous amount of peanut butter and minced raw onions makes them at once sweet, savoury, and sharp, and I dare anyone to eat their hot dogs any other way once they’ve tried it.
- I like the look of leg warmers with high heels, and I don’t even know how to defend this one properly. I just like the juxtaposition of the soft bulk of leg warmers and the hard discomfort of the footwear.
- I occasionally search the internet to see what Hello Kitty is up to, because there is something about her vacuous sweetness, just sidestepping saccharine, that I love. I knew I had deep Hello Kitty love when I came across a photo of a Hello Kitty tailpipe and suddenly wanted to buy a car for the first time in my life. Did you know that there is even a Hello Kitty Camera for the iPhone? There is.
I’ve checked everywhere for a sense of shame or guilt, but I can’t find an iota of that kind of thing anywhere. Dude, this has me wondering if I am some kind of pleasure sociopath or something, a hedonist, a profligate. I’m not worried about this, mind you. If my thing is liking stuff and enjoying the liking of that stuff openly, then I’m into it, as long as I don’t cross the path of any Bee Gees hating, animal rights protesting, food fundamentalist, fashion snobs with a loathing for Hello Kitty paraphernalia, I should be fine.
Assuming that, unlike me, you are properly socially habituated, what are your guilty pleasures?
Feel free to leave your guilt at the door, or, barring that, to revel in your social shame like your love of dancing to Olivia Newton John records while wearing a terry-cloth headband is the kind of pleasure porn you’re happy to hold dear. Be out and proud, baby!
About Schmutzie
How did you discover that peanut butter on a hot dog is good? I may have to try it.
When I was a kid, I tried peanut butter with absolutely everything. I lived on it for the first ten years of my life.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
My guilty pleasure? Spending vast, I mean HUGE amount, time reading incredibly hilarious blogs such as this one…while at work. :)
Twitter Name: LoLately
I like this one.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
That’s a guilty pleasure I can get behind :)
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Guilt is a choice. So now that’s out of the way- nutella and banana sandwiches, ordering too many kindle books from amazon.com while unemployed.
B
I have not partaken of the Nutella and banana sandwich. *adds Nutella to her grocery list*
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Add pretzels too. Nutella with pretzels is the perfect mix of salty and sweet and chocolate. Bananas I’m not too sure about though.
Twitter Name: HeadlessMom
I don’t do guilt either. If I am the type of person to not only admit to watching, but to also document via social media that I am watching, dreck like The Bachelor, I really don’t know what is left to feel guilty about.
(Hope you feel better!)
Twitter Name: debontherocks
True that! Who needs guilt when you can just enjoy doing stuff?
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Schmutzie- I think you’re going to love this gem I found on Etsy: http://www.etsy.com/listing/44218721/hello-titty-hello-kitty-parody-womans?ref=tre-4d2e48818c368eeffae48cbd-9
also- YOUR CAT LICKS YOUR ARMPITS?! That’s hilarious.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
My cat thinks my stanky armpit is a rare delicacy. He looks very prayerful while he does it, too.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
I’m like @lociaravino. I’m spending an outrageous amount of time reading blogs and twitter posts. Love it. Totally hooked. Not doing my own (writing) job. Stuff piling up. I should be doing my life stuff. My family wants my attention and I’m staring at the screen.
I’m also hooked on those really cheesy Hollywoody celebrity sites. And Hershey’s kisses. Red popsicles. Chocolate frozen yogourt. Cookies before bed. Lame novels. Wearing my kids’ — and dead parents’ — cast-off clothes. (Labeled on the inside — how sick is that?) And on and on.
Twitter Name: writewrds
I like to wear my husband’s clothes when he’s not around. It’s like I’m actually holding him a little closer. I get it.
I also have my grandfather’s old bathrobe that he wore in the 1940s. I occasionally pad around in that thing like it’s a evening gown. I love it.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Thanks Schmutzie! : )
Twitter Name: writewrds
Reality TV used to be, although they’re so ridiculous now that they’ve become a bit boring. So I think gratuitous swearing is about all I’ve got left. Oh yeah, and anything involving butter cream.
Twitter Name: noelrozny
BUTTER CREAM.
I just needed to yell that out. I love the stuff.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Ice cream every night. Survivor. Morning radio with idiot DJs. Peanut butter and cheddar cheese on toast.
Twitter Name: danasfeast
I eat peanut butter with cheddar cheese, too! It is so good.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Um, I like to sit down in the shower. It’s like I’m getting a massage. Is that strange?
That’s not strange at all, at least in my apartment. I like to do that, too :)
Twitter Name: schmutzie
I have many guilty pleasures. From bad reality TV [America's Next Top Model anyone?] to bad food [fries and gravy and cheese] to blog reading, swearing, oh and the biggie? Those games on Facebook. You know the ones. Farmville. Fronterville. Cityville. Timesuckville. I love ‘em all. I don’t know why. I just do.
As for your cat and the armpit thing – maybe it’s the salt the cat loves? We had a cat that loved LOVED Doritos. And even better, he loved to eat them chewed up, out of your mouth. How’s that for sketchy people/cat behavior that we thought was great? :) Not that I’m implying your behavior is sketchy…LOL. :)
Twitter Name: hipchick73
That’s just delightfully disgusting. We should start a list of gross guilty pleasures.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Pocket Frogs. Egad, I can’t stop myself. I check on them before I check on my kids in the morning. I suppose it is a step up from Plants vs. Zombies. Also, I am becoming a retreat junkie. Like if you want to have a retreat in the dead of winter on the prairie of Canada I would probably try to finagle a way to come. Make sure it’s on something good to like confessing our guilty pleasures while your cat likes our armpits. That would be awesome.
Oskar, the cat in question, would LOVE that.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
That is too funny. My guilty pleasure? I am uncertain … I am totally going to have think about that one .. yours are way too good to beat though!
Twitter Name: brandyellen
I’m doing Laura’s GP right now and often (I wouldn’t say HUGE time, but every day).
Here’s one for the gross list – My ears get itchy WAY inside and I will wet a Q-tip and make a pointy ear-scratcher out of it. It feels as good or better than mediocre sex! That’s not the gross part tho – Then, I throw it away and my dog will take it out and eat all the cotton off of it. Sometimes I just give it to her and forego the throwing away part. Nasty, right?
Twitter Name: justchris
NASTY in all-caps and bolded and italicized and put on video. Dogs and cats are fans of nasty, though, aren’t they?
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Potatoes plus anything. Potatoes are my guilty pleasure.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
I must agree with Nimble. Potatoes are all goodness all the time. Guilt, be gone!
Twitter Name: schmutzie
At a potluck I realized that cheese dip is one of my guilty pleasures. Velveeta and Rotel (tomatoes with green chiles) mixed up and eaten on corn chips. I would never buy Velveeta but I will put away my share of that dip if I get the chance.
@ The Domestic Goddess, I must protest. Potatoes are full of virtue! Even french fried potatoes are closer to virtue than most things.
Velveeta! I love it and will not buy it, either. Publicly, I will not usually even deign to call it cheese, but I’ll sneak it off the buffet table in piles if it’s there.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Your vocabulary and legwarmers entitle you to all of the above.
Twitter Name: annsrants
Were you Tina Fey’s inspiration for Liz Lemon? Cuz that’s totally what I’m visualizing here.
Mwah!
Twitter Name: schmutzie
I feel guilty for pretty much every kind of pleasure I experience. I always think I should be doing something else. But the gultiest of my pleasures is rapping along with the misogynist, homophobic, racist, violent lyrics of gansta rap. I just can’t help myself.
The hot dog w/ peanut butter sounds great. Not that different than a thai satay w/peanut sauce. You should try pb&bacon. Also pb&bread&butter pickles. If you haven’t already. Yum.
Ummm…laying around reading and napping almost every morning this week, while nursing my own cold of biblical proportions.
(Of course I have many other guilty pleasures but I’m too sick and stupid to think of them right now. I hope you feel better soon!)
Twitter Name: izzymom
1. Reality TV.
2. iPad app 7 Wonders
3. Premixed margaritas
4. Bracelets
Oh man I could go on…
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
Baaaaaad reality TV… I mean like really bad. Two words…. Jersey Shore
I love paranormal TV shows. My DVR is full of them. I watch them on Saturday and Sunday mornings while my hubs is still sleeping. (By the way, I’m squandering my precious ghosty show watching time by posting this….)
Five Guys burgers and fries – I really don’t think I have to say much about this to those who know who they are. If you don’t, they most amazing burger and fries in the universe.
Caramel Creams – They are addicted little pieces of sugar, I mean heaven.
Twitter Name: RecklessSarcasm