Go outside. Be kind. Wash your crotch.

January 6, 2011
by • 42 Comments

It’s a new year, y’all! Which means new opportunities, new perspectives & new adventures to embark on!

I’m totally being super annoying with all this Giada-like zeal, aren’t I?

I consider myself to be an exorbitantly optimistic person. I sincerely appreciate a good hearty dose of encouragement.

I sure as hell could use it on a daily basis. That’s why I’m a big fan of inspirational wall art. Not the uber cheesy kind though. I’m SO not into wall decals with the “live! laugh! love!” mantra. And I’ve overdosed on the whole “keep calm & carry on” slogan.

Which is why I came up with my own advice to bless your eyeballs & fill up your cynical souls.

I created two of these paintings for my trunk show at this funky little gift shop in Asheville (called LOFT) & people really loved them. It’s always my favorite part of my job- watching people react to my work. They either read it & look really confused (& disturbed) while they walk away OR they read it, shriek loudly & gesture to their homey to come over & shriek right along with them. It’s really fun.

(Please forgive my shitty picture. The background is actually aqua blue. This is the only pic I got before it was sold & gone).

If you can’t read it, here’s what it says: “go outside. be kind. wash your crotch. hug your mom. don’t put your butt on people’s faces. wear your seatbelt. love yourself. don’t kill people. follow your bliss. stop, drop & roll (a joint). wear sunscreen. don’t wipe your ass with your pet rabbit. go see the world. relax. don’t be silly, cover your willy.”

(disclaimer: I’m not an advocate for rolling joints. That’s yo prerogative).

It’s pretty sound advice, is it not? I will admit, I cannot claim all of these life tips. I had a little help from my husband. His contribution? The ones that mention your pet rabbit & your willy, of course.

So, if you find yourself feeling lost in the midst of all the chaos of 2011, just follow these simple guidelines. Maybe even make them your resolutions. (Please do so if you aren’t already washing your crotch regularly).

I promise you will feel invigorated & sanitary & not as sucky as you did before you read it. Oh, by the way, it’s best if you don’t wipe your ass with anyone’s pet rabbit, not just your own. And if you’re dealing with someone else’s willy, you should cover that up too, okay?

P.S. I’m going to be posting some of these mothers in my etsy shop soon. But if you have instantly fallen in love & want to reserve one, let me know. I will gladly oblige. They are 12″ high, 4″ wide & 1.5″ deep on a gallery wrapped canvas.

P.P.S. Yes, I am shamelessly pimping myself out on here. They told me I could! I figure this is my target market though: people who like awesome, handmade wares on their walls that mention crotches. Am I right?

Filed Under: All Posts, Know Yourself Tagged With: , , ,
About Robin Plemmons

Robin Plemmons is an artist. She makes greeting cards in her own funky handwriting that say things like, "Congratulations on making a human with your genitals!" & "I hope you washed your crotch because I'm about to put my face in it." You can find them in her Etsy shop (lemonswithapea.etsy.com). She blogs at ballstothewallyall.com & tweets like a horny hyena. Follow her if you like that kind of thing: @robinplemmons.

Comments

  1. bethany siebert says:
    January 6, 2011 at 10:07 am

    I WANT ONE I WANT ONE… No, wait a tick…
    I WANT TWOOOOOOOOOO! please :) Thanks lady!
    P.S. and where can I get one of those giada screensavers? it will make me laugh, and probably make johnny horny, hehehe

    Reply
  2. MommyGeek says:
    January 6, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    Heh, I totally wish I could put that up in my house. But my oldest is too smart for her own good and would soon be asking “Mommy, what does C-R-O-T-C-H spell?” And I’m just not creative enough to come up with another word/meaning, let along remember it for the next thousand times she asks!

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  3. Candice Chinsethagid says:
    January 6, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    Robin,

    I want ONE!!!! YAY!

    Reply
  4. Robin Plemmons says:
    January 6, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    P.S. I just posted some BRAND SPANKING NEW Valentine’s cards to my Etsy shop. If you like this painting, you will most likely love my cards. I even have small plastic animal props humping each other in the pics. Not to be missed! http://www.etsy.com/shop/lemonswithapea?section_id=7687034

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  5. Cindy Watrous says:
    January 6, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    So glad I can brag and say we live in the same town. LOL I <3 it. I want one, but my kid can read, and though hubs can find humor in nearly anything… I doubt either of us will find humor in a phone call from the school. :)

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  6. neeroc says:
    January 6, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    Wise, wise words. All of them. And if it didn’t have the joint reference…nah, my prude of a husband still wouldn’t get it *g*

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  7. BetaDad says:
    January 6, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    Umm…by “regularly,” do you mean like, once a day? Or is the weekly scouring at the bathhouse sufficient?

    I would totally put that sign in my office. But since my office is the living room, and Mama makes the decor decisions, I don’t think it it’s gonna work.

    Reply
  8. Virginia says:
    January 6, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    I’m in L-O-V-E

    I’m gonna buy your whole etsy shop, but first I need to get paid. That is unless you take thumbs up & high fives as payment.

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  9. Patricia says:
    January 6, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    I want one. No kids to worry about reading it ;-)

    Reply
  10. Pam Keener says:
    January 6, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    OMG these are classic & I so get it! If you post them by 2/25 I want 6 of these for my college homeys who will totally get it too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Love & Hugs,
    Pam

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  11. Trece says:
    January 6, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    OMG!! I’d be the fat old broad laughing so hard she’s peeing herself in the aisle while reading it, yelling for her kids to come and “Check THIS out”!!

    It’s scary how much I love what you write!

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  12. Julia Roberts says:
    January 6, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    You KILL me with your crotch and willy talk!

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  13. Kel says:
    January 7, 2011 at 1:08 am

    Being a mom of three sons you had me at “cover your Willy” !
    This will be a great Graduation gift!

    Reply
  14. Zak says:
    January 7, 2011 at 3:03 am

    Solid life advice.

    SOLD.

    I want one!

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  15. Mel says:
    January 7, 2011 at 9:55 am

    SO hilarious! I can’t contain my laughter…my coworkers think I may have lost my marbles. Heck, they didn’t think I had any to begin with! :)

    Reply
  16. Mountain Momma says:
    January 8, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    That is hilarious! I’d order one if you’d add this line to it: “Don’t wipe your burgers on the wall. Or eat them.” My kids haven’t quite learned that lesson yet.

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  17. Mountain Momma says:
    January 8, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    OK, my last comment is even funnier than intended because I wrote burgers instead of boogers.

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