The Fountain of Youth: Orgasms

When I tell people I’m 40, I often get an astonished reaction. I like to think it’s because they think I look younger, but I have a feeling there might be some that think I might act slightly less than, well… mature. I’ll just keep believing it’s the former.

Some of my friends think I should just start telling people I’m thirty-something. I suppose I do feel younger and definitely look younger these days. But I don’t think it’s a good idea to lie about one’s age because there’s too much math involved. Think about it… what year did you graduate? What year were you born? How old were you when you had your oldest kid? These are not questions you can answer when drinking, so why bother. Just tell them your real age and wait for the backhanded compliment.

“You don’t look that old!”

Inevitably, some sweet young girl who really is a thirty-something will pull me aside, tell me how scared she is that she’s staring straight down the barrel of the next decade, and ask me what my skincare regimen is. I always wonder if they understand that they might just be insulting me by talking about how freaked they are to turn my age, but I just grab their cute little hands and lead them to my secrets, anyway.

My well-rehearsed response is that while I haven’t ventured into any youth-by-injection (i.e. Botox), but I do indulge in regular facials, plus I drink a lot of water, and then of course, there are…

The orgasms.

I used to think my aging backwards had something to do with all the water and my skincare routines. But not everyone that I knew was seeing similar results. Then I came across an article. A scientific article. With science. Apparently, frequent sex (I will neither confirm nor deny having frequent sex) may be what keeps some women looking younger. But just like scrubs and facials (and drinking water), you won’t see results unless you do it often.

<sarcasm>Oh darn!</sarcasm>

Some of you might be all giddy about that. I’m right there with you, girls!! Others of you would rather catch a cold or have your teeth drilled than to “have to” have sex with your partner. That’s a whole ‘nother can of worms that I know we don’t have time to address here. Either way, we all know that you don’t actually have to have anyone there. Thankfully, we all have access to those handy (pun totally intended) little tools that help us “get there.”

The amazing vibrator.

These wonderful tools of happiness and euphoria (and yes, I’ll admit to having a little friend that stays under my pillow) may help you maintain that youthful glow, stop your skin from sagging, and keep a smile on your face. And, BONUS, they don’t hurt like needles filled with botulism do! On the contrary. They feel really… really… really… good…. Oh so good… so good… oh yeah…

umm… where was I?

Anyway, they come in all kinds of shapes.

And sizes.

For all your various needs.

But in the end (snicker)…

the very happy end…

The results should be that you look and feel younger. If for some reason you don’t, you’ll at least be smiling a whole lot more.