I have a really hard time being patient with my child’s noisy ass toys.
They blink. They squeak. They toot & peep. They drive me up the mother effing wall.
I mean, for the love, they should at least come with a volume control where your only option isn’t just “LOUD” & “SCREAM-Y LOUD.”
Especially the ones that go off at random & scare the shit out of you. You know what I’m talking about. You probably have a couple that you’d like to beat the crap out of but you can’t bring yourself to do it because your sweet child loves it too much & if you did, you’d feel like an asshole.
They always go off at the most disruptive times. Like when the kid is finally asleep & you’re miraculously catching a quiet moment to close your eyes & rest. Or if you’re really enjoying getting to “3rd base” on the couch… then all of a sudden, out of nowhere you hear this sing-song-y voice bellow, “COME ON, BOARD THE ANIMAL TRAIN! COME ON, EVERYONE! LEARNING ABOUT ANIMALS IS REALLY LOTS OF FUN! TOOT TOOT!” (Hi-fives if you recognized that song).
And then it ruins everything. You’re wide awake and/or fully flaccid. Total buzz kill. GAH.
Well, if you are totally relating to this scenario & can no longer take all that obnoxious racket, I have a solution for you.
Gather up that g-dang animal train, that creepy talking Barney & that inappropriate looking Sing-a-ma-jing thing they got for Christmas & throw those fuckers in the bathtub to fry. Voila! Now they’re bath toys!
or I guess you could just take the batteries out. But then you wouldn’t have the pleasure of hearing them gurgle their last, “I’M YOUR BEST FRIEND! I LOVE YOUGHEKLJSINjiklkseeeeee…….”
About Robin Plemmons
As someone with no children who intends never to have children, I have to admit I take particular delight in purchasing exactly this kind of toy for my friends with small kids. Sorry, but they chose to have babies (and therefore become significantly more boring) so I consider it appropriate torture :)
Sarah- I don’t know if I should hit you or laugh at you!
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
LOL, both I guess :)
I used to put clear packing tape over the speaker to muffle it a bit.
Haven’t heard about this idea! You’re a toy genius, Danielle.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
I am sooo sad to admit, that I do recognize that song. Sigh. But there are already too many toys in the bath. Good idea, though! Fry, Elmo, fry!
OMG. That train needs to die. There’s really too many toys in our bath, too. They seem to multiply like horny bunnies! WTF?!
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
That is hilarious! I can’t wait for the grandkids…so I can torture the parentals.
Twitter Name: Janie Snelson
Janie, I am currently being tortured by a singing mailbox. If you want your own children to stay sane, I suggest you give them silent toys. ;)
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
Noisy toys make me crazy. Some of them are just so obnoxious.
Twitter Name: thejackb
Fo real. Waterboarding? Psssh. Sit em in front of a 100 Barneys singing the same song over & over. THAT’S torture.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
My son used to have this talking barbecue that made me crazy. There were moments in which I considered sticking my head in the oven or beating myself over the head with a baseball bat. It was that bad.
Twitter Name: thejackb
The learning puppy = pure evil. My daughter received it for her first Christmas. By Valentine’s day the batteries were gone and Learning puppy was hiding at the bottom of the toy box. She’s almost 4 and I just now threw away the stupid thing.
Omg. Is that the one that says, “It’s learning time!” & “I looooove you!”? That thing goes off ALL THE TIME.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
Yes! I hate it so much.
Twitter Name: unknwndreamer
Sing it loud sister! Please tell me you weren’t the lucky recipient of a sing a ma jig! We got two because they “love to sing together”. Well, they’re melodic asses sang all the way back to the store. Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye!
please have mercy on my soul! THEIR melodic…..holy cow. I have just committed one of my top 5 pet peeves!
You’re cool. I don’t pay attention to grammar. You’re a smart woman to get rid of that singing piece of shit.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
I’m either a glutton for punishment or all the Zoloft I take make the songs so pretty I want to sing to them, even when the kids are in bed, over and over, and over, and over again.
Twitter Name: mommybknowsbest
Drugs make things pretty! Yay drugs! Weee!
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
I’m not sure the bathtub is an appropriate grave for our singing/dancing/psycho plush Mickey Mouse doll. Maybe the toilet bowl?? A Mickey swirley?
Twitter Name: writerGDW
HA! Gina, please, PLEASE give Mickey a swirley! And take pics of it.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
We have a psycho sesame street toy, a elmo/cookie monster vacuum. It would go off in the middle of the night and all you would here would be – UGHH, UGHH, ME LIKE TO VACUUM! (with cooresponding vacuuming noises). Cookie Monster would freak me out when I was home alone, or the we would be sleeping.
Needless to say, the batteries mysteriously disappeared never to be heard from again. Or, I took them out and glued the plastic battery cover shut for safe-keeping. The world will never know…
Ok – I seriously need some caffeine! I meant to say: you would HEAR, not here, and Cookie Monster would freak me out when I was home alone, or when the monkey’s would be sleeping.
Like Danielle, I put tape over the speakers. Works pretty well.
When I saw the lyrics to the animal train song, I had a visceral response. Haven’t heard it in months because the batteries have been dead. I forgot how much I hated that racket.
I’m pretty sure Barney is an alien so I’d drown that sucker first, then bury him in the back yard.
Twitter Name: sasstown