EZPZ STFU, Barney

I have a really hard time being patient with my child’s noisy ass toys.

They blink. They squeak. They toot & peep. They drive me up the mother effing wall.

I mean, for the love, they should at least come with a volume control where your only option isn’t just “LOUD” & “SCREAM-Y LOUD.”

Especially the ones that go off at random & scare the shit out of you. You know what I’m talking about. You probably have a couple that you’d like to beat the crap out of but you can’t bring yourself to do it because your sweet child loves it too much & if you did, you’d feel like an asshole.

They always go off at the most disruptive times. Like when the kid is finally asleep & you’re miraculously catching a quiet moment to close your eyes & rest. Or if you’re really enjoying getting to “3rd base” on the couch… then all of a sudden, out of nowhere you hear this sing-song-y voice bellow, “COME ON, BOARD THE ANIMAL TRAIN! COME ON, EVERYONE! LEARNING ABOUT ANIMALS IS REALLY LOTS OF FUN! TOOT TOOT!” (Hi-fives if you recognized that song).

And then it ruins everything. You’re wide awake and/or fully flaccid. Total buzz kill. GAH.

Well, if you are totally relating to this scenario & can no longer take all that obnoxious racket, I have a solution for you.

Gather up that g-dang animal train, that creepy talking Barney & that inappropriate looking Sing-a-ma-jing thing they got for Christmas & throw those fuckers in the bathtub to fry. Voila! Now they’re bath toys!

or I guess you could just take the batteries out. But then you wouldn’t have the pleasure of hearing them gurgle their last, “I’M YOUR BEST FRIEND! I LOVE YOUGHEKLJSINjiklkseeeeee…….”

About Robin Plemmons

Robin Plemmons is an artist. She makes greeting cards in her own funky handwriting that say things like, "Congratulations on making a human with your genitals!" & "I hope you washed your crotch because I'm about to put my face in it." You can find them in her Etsy Shop. She blogs at ballstothewallyall.com & tweets like a horny hyena. Follow her if you like that kind of thing: @robinplemmons.

Comments

  1. Sarah says:

    As someone with no children who intends never to have children, I have to admit I take particular delight in purchasing exactly this kind of toy for my friends with small kids. Sorry, but they chose to have babies (and therefore become significantly more boring) so I consider it appropriate torture :)

  2. Danielle says:

    I used to put clear packing tape over the speaker to muffle it a bit.

  3. Dre says:

    I am sooo sad to admit, that I do recognize that song. Sigh. But there are already too many toys in the bath. Good idea, though! Fry, Elmo, fry!

  4. Janie says:

    That is hilarious! I can’t wait for the grandkids…so I can torture the parentals.

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  5. Jack says:

    Noisy toys make me crazy. Some of them are just so obnoxious.

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  6. Virginia says:

    The learning puppy = pure evil. My daughter received it for her first Christmas. By Valentine’s day the batteries were gone and Learning puppy was hiding at the bottom of the toy box. She’s almost 4 and I just now threw away the stupid thing.

  7. summer says:

    Sing it loud sister! Please tell me you weren’t the lucky recipient of a sing a ma jig! We got two because they “love to sing together”. Well, they’re melodic asses sang all the way back to the store. Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye!

  8. I’m either a glutton for punishment or all the Zoloft I take make the songs so pretty I want to sing to them, even when the kids are in bed, over and over, and over, and over again.

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  9. Gina says:

    I’m not sure the bathtub is an appropriate grave for our singing/dancing/psycho plush Mickey Mouse doll. Maybe the toilet bowl?? A Mickey swirley?

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  10. Mel says:

    We have a psycho sesame street toy, a elmo/cookie monster vacuum. It would go off in the middle of the night and all you would here would be – UGHH, UGHH, ME LIKE TO VACUUM! (with cooresponding vacuuming noises). Cookie Monster would freak me out when I was home alone, or the we would be sleeping.

    Needless to say, the batteries mysteriously disappeared never to be heard from again. Or, I took them out and glued the plastic battery cover shut for safe-keeping. The world will never know…

    • Mel says:

      Ok – I seriously need some caffeine! I meant to say: you would HEAR, not here, and Cookie Monster would freak me out when I was home alone, or when the monkey’s would be sleeping.

  11. BetaDad says:

    Like Danielle, I put tape over the speakers. Works pretty well.

    When I saw the lyrics to the animal train song, I had a visceral response. Haven’t heard it in months because the batteries have been dead. I forgot how much I hated that racket.

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  12. The Mayor says:

    I’m pretty sure Barney is an alien so I’d drown that sucker first, then bury him in the back yard.

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  2. [...] blame it on Barney. There, I said it. That adorable purple dinosaur who sang, danced and encouraged her to “use [...]

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