If there’s anything more potentially tiresome than a parent-blogger whining about their fussy children, it’s one who gets all geeked about their perfectly normal developmental trajectory. That’s why I’m writing this with more than a little trepidation: not because I’m not excited about the subject matter–I am–but because I can’t imagine being interested in anyone else’s account of how their amazing little angels are growing up right before their very eyes.
And yet, I feel compelled to write about how my 18-month old twin girls have been blowing my mind lately by being perfectly normal examples of humans their age.
So as a service to you, gentle reader, in the interest of not boring or otherwise rubbing you the wrong way, I will say what I have to say in three different “voices,” and you can enjoy the version most suited to your taste and try to forget the others.
***
Snarky T. Momblogski
My head has been spinning for the last two weeks, people. The kids are in a desperate contest to see who can suck the life force out of me with their needing and their wanting and their clinging and their HOLYSHIT I NEVER NOTICED HOW FUCKING SCARY THE GARBAGE TRUCK IS BEFORE…HOLD ME HOLD ME HOLD ME and their HOW DARE YOU SERVE ME TOMATOES I HATE TOMATOES I HAVE HATED THEM EVER SINCE TUESDAY ARE YOU AN IDIOT?
And this is times two, y’all.
I love that they are learning words. I’m pretty sure they will come in handy one day. And sometimes? The expression on Twin A’s face when she says “turtle” (“too-toe”)?
NOM NOM NOM.
Or when Twin B says “flower” (“fschlawbie”)?
NOMiest. Thing. Evah.
But all the MAMA DADA MAMA DADA MORE MOREMOREMORE?
Over it.
***
Sappy Dad Preaching
Please read all the way to the end of this because it’s the most important and powerfulest and deepest thing of all the powerful and deep things I’ve ever written.
I heard someone complain about their “bratty” toddler the other day, and I melted into a sobbing heap right there in the checkout line at Circle K. I cried all the way home. Even when I stopped to rescue a group of women with eating disorders from a fire started by their cruel ex-boyfriends, my mind was still on that wicked father at the convenience store.
Please, parents, I beg of you. Try to understand, as I do with the most deepest and profoundest of understandings, that a child–your precious child–isn’t trying to hurt you or get on your nerves. They are doing the only thing they know how to do. Being CHILDREN.
Their heads are so full of new, wonderful, and sometimes terrifying things that they have never experienced before. How could they NOT be on edge? Have YOU ever been in a situation where the world as you know it is turning upside down and stimulus is coming at you from all sides? Like the time you drank the “special” punch at a college party, and the people inside the TV kept telling you that you had to take your socks off and put them on again or the house would roll out of the yard and onto the Interstate? How calm were you when someone who didn’t even believe in the TV people told you to settle down and keep your socks on?
That’s how life is during every moment of a toddler’s day. And you just keep telling him to put his damn socks back on. That’s right. I said “damn.” Because I care.
I’m sorry I had to get so deep this time, but I just can’t help it when I see something in the world that needs to change.
Yours Truly,
Sappy Dad Preaching.
One more thing. Please, for the love of God, if you have ever been that child whose parent called them a brat, or if you have known a child who has had a parent get mad at them, or if you have ever seen a child in real life or on TV, or if you saw that movie about the babies where they had grownup actors doing voices to show what the baby was thinking–please, I beg of you, “like” this on Facebook, RT it on Twitter, email it to everyone you know, print it out and nail it to the door of Oprah’s house, and hire one of those planes to fly around pulling a banner with the link on it.
***
Beta Dork
Lately, Twin A, aka “Cobra,” has been waking up full of excitement of one kind or another. This often involves screaming and tears, and does not always happen according to the normally reliable sleeping schedule.
She’ll wake up from her nap half an hour before she’s supposed to, and when I go in to check on her, she’s standing in the crib, sobbing and shaking. I pick her up and turn on the light, and she immediately starts pointing at all the items around the room that she knows the words for and naming them repeatedly. She always starts with “too-toe,” her word for the slow-moving amphibian who carries his house on his back and who is depicted in overpriced wall decals around the room.
At first, I was worried that she had developed turtle-terrors; but now I think she’s just overwhelmed with all the new activity in her mind as neural pathways develop and ideas take shape where once there were only reactions.
I suspect that it’s the words as much as the ideas that cause her to wake with such a sense of urgency. Of course, I’m one of those people who don’t think that there can really be ideas without words. One of my favorite notions from one of my favorite philosophers of language is that “nature gleams secretly with a most fantastic shimmer of words and social relationships.” When you are becoming aware of those words and relationships for the first time, how can you help but freak out, at least a little bit?
Twin B, aka “Butterbean” has had similar anxiety, but for her it’s more likely to manifest as irrational and all-consuming desires to hold certain objects and never let them go. Many transitions to naptime lately have been punctuated by unbearably mournful and indignant wailing upon the confiscation of such items as bottle caps or fridge magnets.
Despite their recent emotional vertigo, I’m thrilled that both of them are full of words. Or not “full” really. In fact, they’re gorging on them without any sign of filling up at all. Every day there will be times when one of both of them will repeat every single syllable I throw at them. I keep thinking that they can’t possibly keep up this pace of learning. But then they increase the pace the next day.
I think that part of why I’m so astounded is that I’m used to training puppies, not babies. With dogs, you teach them maybe ten different things, and they learn maybe twenty different words, and they’re pretty much done. With these little furless pups, by the time you teach them ten things, they’ve figured out thirty other things on their own. It seems like they could become dangerous.
Aren’t I clever? Please like me. Look how cute my kids are:
About BetaDad
This is HYSTERICAL! And YES….I read blogs/have friends that fit into all three of these categories!
Thanks. I know all those people too. Especially the last one. I see way too much of that guy.
Ha! Sappy Dad Preaching is my favorite. :D
Twitter Name: ecnewlin
Thanks so much! And remember to RT!
I absolutely hate this piece. The point of this site is to Aim Low – set low standards… so what the hell are you doing? Writing a hysterical post in 3 different voices – what type of high standard are you setting for the rest of us? Great, now I need to go back and add 2 more voices to all my posts.
Seriously, great job.
Twitter Name: dandaddoes
Oh crap. I failed at my goal of unimpressing people. Wait! That makes me a success at aiming low! Yay! Or does it? So confused now.
Beta Dork rules.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
No, YOU rule, Faiqa.
I’m not sure whether to applaud you or declare you GREAT AND MIGHTY OVERLORD OF THE UNIVERSE!!
In all-caps, of course!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
I definitely prefer the latter. Can I have my own category on the staff sidebar that says GREAT AND MIGHTY OVERLORD OF THE UNIVERSE? Or maybe just GAMOOTU to save space?
Nothing worse than trying to rush children through childhood.They’ve got years ahead of them to pay the mortgage,gas bill etc etc.Just let them be kids.
Mind you,we all get a second chance at behaving like kids when we get into our 80s….
(me as 84 year old) “Nice tits”
“Oh,he’s a goer isn’t he?Lots of life left in him.Saucy old devil”
(me now,at 37)”Nice tits”
SMACK
Twitter Name: JacksofBuxton
I am SO looking forward to being a crazy old man! Just a few more years.
Thanks for your comment.
Are you already practicing the old man pant hike? Because if you can’t get them up to your pits you might still get the smack.
Twitter Name: therealneeroc
Hmmm… Sappy Dad Preaching sounds vaguely familiar.
Much prefer Bata Dork, though.
I’m sure I don’t know what you are talking about…
But thanks anyway!
Dude,
U are special.. Parents forget why kids are kids and why they act at certain stages…
U have the right attitude..OMG, does wifey know how extraordinary u are????? ( now I hope your head has not swelled to the point of explosion) :-)
Those parenting books have seeped their knowledge into your head..BTW, remember Dr. Spock? or that other doctor w/the last name that starts w/a “B”… his philosophy is similar to yours. BRADBURY!… alzhimer’s has set in and I am 56…
Anyway keep doin what u are doing.. your twins are so damn lucky…BTW I wouldn’t be surprised if that little one will so0n be saying the type of flower that u point out…When that happens make sure u record it…
Twitter Name: c. peterson
I am going to cut and paste this comment into an email and send it to my wife immediately! I keep telling her how special I am, but I think it will have more impact coming from someone else.
I find that reading the right parenting book, in the right measure, is very reassuring. I try not to fill my head with confusing (and sometimes conflicting) information, but a very basic overview is helpful. Bradbury? I don’t know that one. You weren’t thinking of Brazelton, were you? Because he’s my go-to guy. His overall message is kind of like, “Everything is going to be okay. This is what’s going on. Don’t stress, don’t push your kids too much, and don’t be a dick.”
I was going to leave a cliched and therefore witty comment, but everything I was going to say has already been said in what I suspect were sincere comments.
So, in an effort to not be an accidental asshole, I’ll just say:
Bravo!
Because that one wasn’t taken yet.
Twitter Name: missbritt
*Blushes, bows deeply*
“Accidental Asshole” would be the biopic about my life from age 10-30.
SEE, Alzheimer’s has set in.. YOU are right it is Brazelton!!.. omg…BTW wifey knows u are special.. Don’t u know women can’t let their hubby’s know that???? We gotta keep u on your toes..lol… Heck, taking care of twins is hard. my neighbor did it.. He’s a cop and had the 2pm-midnight shift.. took care of the babies while wife worked… he also kept up on all the neighborhood gossip w/us which made wifey jealous! lol…..
Twitter Name: c. peterson
Dear Sappy Dad, I just want you to know how much this blog changed my life. Suddenly, I was transported back to my toddler-hood, and my life unfolded before my eyes. Suddenly I started weeping into my cheerios, uncontrollably, because you are so dead on your insight. I just don’t know how you do it! You’re amazing, Sappy Dad, you really just changed my life. I am simultaneously typing a letter to Oprah (cc: Ellen) as I write this comment about how wonderful you are! I am also re-posting this all over the blogosphere! What WILL you come up with next?
Sincerely,
Amazed
Next up…I’ll figure out a way to get all you beautiful people to send me money!
I’m feeling a lot of pressure to be witty. I wonder if 3 voices would help?
Snarky: Snort.
Sappy: Sniff
Dork: That was better than the The Hobbit.
Twitter Name: triplezmom
You pulled it off effortlessly. Also, The Hobbit was the only Tolkien book I could get through (speaking of aiming low), so that’s high praise.
Ah, Beta Dork. You’ve both validated your good sense and Butterbean’s cuteness, as well as filleting two bloggie archetypes. Well done!
Our twin b said “lalu” for “water” for the longest time and it made such sense to me. I can’t for the life of me understand why *I* understood lalu to be water—but “fschlawbie” is highly reminiscent.
Our girls say something like “Lalu” for “Stella,” our dog. Like you, I don’t see how anyone could misinterpret that.
Thanks for the comments!
Yeah, but I’m pretty sure my special needs kids could beat up your typically developing kids at the same age. Just sayin’.
Special needs parents aren’t represented in any of these. Wait. Let me take that back.
We are all 3 too.
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
I sincerely hope you have a bumper sticker that reflects that sentiment, because that would be the coolest ever.
That’s another reason I approach gushing about my kids with trepidation. It seems really insensitive to parents who don’t have it so easy, of which we know many. It makes me wonder if there’s any value in bragging about one’s kids at all.
Language is wonderful and it is great watching them learn how to speak. And then one day you wake up and realize that the voices in your head belong to little people that look vaguely like you.
And said little people never stop talking from the moment they wake until they go to sleep they keep on talking about anything and everything. Fortunately they are both cute and witty so you smile and nod your head approvingly.
Twitter Name: thejackb
Haha… awesome as usual BetaDad! Those first two are hilarious… but you forgot to include lines about their typical giveaways and pleas for donations :-) Gee… that second example rang a few bells…
Twitter Name: DrCynicism
Thanks, Doc! You’re right. I still have stuff to learn about this blogging racket.
Clapping for good funny writing!
And the whiney Dad was my favorite)
Thank you, thank you *basks*
Hilarious! Thanks for the pick-me-up!
So, can we be expecting a post in three voices all of the time? ;)
You are entirely welcome! 3 voices all the time? Only if I get 3 times as many nice comments.
Beta Dad/Dork:
You are my hero. ‘Nuff said.
PS: Don’t tell Captain Dumbass I said that.
PSS: Butterbean and Cobra’s exploits are often the highlight of my day.
Sweet. I’ve never been anyone’s hero.
Don’t worry. It’s between you and me. The good captain need never find out.
Good stuff dude.
Just remember, even the parents of serial killers at one time probably thought “My kid is the awesomest and smartest kid ever!”
Of course, they probably followed that with, “I wonder where the cat disappeared to.”
Twitter Name: EdsFunnyPages
What th…? I totally forgot that we even had a cat.
you’re probably done reading all your comments, but as a father of twins who’ll be two in a couple weeks, I wanted to say thanks for the memories of what seems like 60 years ago but was just last summer. BTW, now my twins still name everything in site, but can now create sentences and I can understand most – but not all – of what they say. Pretty amazing stuff. Looking forward to seeing your three voices at age two. . .
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
I read and cherish every comment that anyone writes at any time. Except the negative ones, which I read and weep over.
Thanks for the comment!
BD,
Slow down man, you are making the rest of us dad bloggers look like cheap hacks. ;) Well done, you keep bringing it. Now excuse me while I slink out of here and look for some sort of gimmick to use to make my posts zing a bit better.
Twitter Name: thejackb
I recognize the first two. Having a tough time placing the last one. Hmmmm…
I brag about the crap my special kids do. Is that ok? If not, that’s fine. Because I talk about (and photograph) my dogs more. They appreciate it more.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
PS – that was f*cking brilliant.
Twitter Name: thedgoddess
Dean GAMOOTU:
I’d totally call the banner flying plane people, but it’s January and I’m in Canada. ‘Sorry we missed ya, we’re hibernating’ signs are out in full force and if you spend too much time looking up you might get an ice pellet in the ice.
So instead I’m going to use fschlawbie as often as I can (it might need to wait until May, see previous note) because that was the cutest thing I’ve seen in I don’t know how long.
Twitter Name: therealneeroc
You know, if you just pee the URL into the snow, that’s probably just as good as the plane banners.
Obviously you read my blog. Next time I’d like credit for inspiring you.
~Snarky T. Momblogzky
(oh and spell my name right would ya?)
Twitter Name: shesuggests
Sorry, Ms. Momblogzky. You’re the wind beneath my wings.
I have watched fschlawbie no less than 10 times since I’ve been introduced to your greatness. The cute is overwhelming.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
You can only imagine how many times I’ve watched it. In the hundreds, easily. I even watch it when the kids are sitting right in front of me.
Even though I was once an infant and toddler myself I can’t remember even remotely how I viewed the world.
Certainly youngsters have limited cognitive abilities (but they develop). I find it sorta interesting that adults typically have no apparent permanent memories before the age of 2 or 3 years old.
Sounds like you’re doing a great job and although your girls will not remember these moments years from now, you will!
I’ve been thinking about that stuff a lot too. I guess I’m worried about what I’m going to do that they will never forgive.
I was talking to my wife about it last night, and figured out that I can only remember like two things–just images–from before kindergarten.
I suggest those new anti bark collars. I used to go for the invisible fence colors or a remote control tens unit, but with the advances of technology we can just make this super humane
Twitter Name: IamThePeachy1
I’m just going to start them off with the citronella collars.
Because I was away so much in the Army, I missed a lot of this stuff… I am now making up for it dealing directly with all the pre-teen developmental stuff which may turn me mental over time. (But it still has its share of funny moments-what would ever blog about?)