This is our inaugural advice column. Hope you enjoy.
Dear YER DOING IT WRONG:
“Ok, real life question.
Let’s say you hosted a party Sunday night for 30 of your closest friends (12 of them children). The next day, your kid comes down with something contagious and gross like pinkeye. What’s the proper protocol? Do I call everyone and tell them? Act like it wasn’t my kid? Send out a singing telegram?”
Ah, hell. That’s six kinds of fucked up, isn’t it? Pink eye is number three on my list of suck ass diseases to have in your home with number two being Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease (which apparently my husband catches too), and number one being lice. Number four, if you were wondering, is stomach bugs, because I AM NOT GOOD WITH VOMIT.
Truthfully? Your kid probably got it from one of THOSE kids. So I say to hell with those parents and their toxic children. They know what pink eye is. Chances are they already had the damned thing but couldn’t take one more minute of kid-that-really-isn’t-sick being at home and declared their child “past” the contagious period and brought them to your party anyway.
Wait, did you want serious advice? Dude, yeah. Call them. They’ll all find out anyway because most communities have a well-established rumor manufacturing system phone tree for letting folks know when a horrid and highly contagious disease like pink eye is GOING TO INFECT THEIR CHILDREN OMG.
Then call your doctor and schedule an appointment because dude: bad news. In about twenty-four hours you’re gonna have pink eye too. Welcome to the suck.
Oh, and don’t discount that singing telegram idea. That is not only utterly fucking brilliant, but will make the poor person who has to work doing singing telegrams happy because they won’t have to sing Happy Birthday for the 10,000th time.
Love,
Cecily
About Cecily Kellogg
Ew. I have house rule: no pink eye, puke, or lice. Stay away cuz you can never get rid of that shit (literally). How ’bout a ps on the xmas cards? “By the way, you may want to wash your towels. And sheets. And lysol the banisters and knobs. And your eyeballs.”
Nice. :D The Christmas card idea is awesome.
Maybe I’d just do something a little passive-aggressive and post a status update on FB like, “Oh no! My kids just woke up this morning with something that looks suspiciously like pink-eye! Which little maggot left that at my house last night?”
Well, that might not be received well, so I might not word it EXACTLY that way.
Twitter Name: DTKMMeLookCrazy
Facebook is perfect! Love.
Please, please use a singing telegram. Please.
Twitter Name: mommygeekology
I say mention it to anyone from the party that you HAPPEN to speak to (in other words, don’t go out of your way) and then point out that your kid didn’t have it until some other kid, FROM THE PARTY NO DOUBT, gave it to them. Buckpassing…it works.
Twitter Name: izzymom