Starting right here, right now, Aiming Low is hosting a monthly horoscope column so that you will know which days are safe for you–dear little low-aiming Leos and Scorpions and Bulls and whatnot–to venture into the big, bad world and swirling galaxy of acid triptastic wonders outside of the safety of your cocoon-like bed. It’s tough out there for a playa, isn’t it? This very moment ancient hurtling matter and debris, dancing cosmic energies and twinkling karmic forces might be conspiring for and/or against you, and you deserve to know the truth about it. You certainly don’t want to be the last to know, do you?
Scope on the Rocks is your safe port in that cosmic perfect storm. In fact, it’s just like A Perfect Storm and you are being tossed around by winds and sideways eel-bearing rain until Marky Mark reaches out and holds you safe in his arms and says: Hey little honey, what’s your sign? Is it Libra with Scorpio rising? Libras are so foxy, I knew it!
So at the start of each month I’m going to throw down a low-balled interpretation of what the planetary zeitgeist might mean to you based on the work of real live astrologers. Is astrology for real? I don’t know. It was good enough for the Greeks, and they had awesome taste–just look at the Parthenon and the amazing work they’ve done with olives and naked statues. Works for me.
Then again, I’m an Aquarian. Fun mystical stuff is foreplay to us. As Marky Mark always says: If I said your body was celestial, would you hold it against me?
So here we go!
For all of us, December will be wacky packs on ice. What’s happening is the Sun, Mars and Mercury are all moving through Sagittarius, which is basically the dual-focused mullet of the zodiac–work hard, play hard, everything is possible if you are holding a freaking crossbow.
Be wary of Mercury’s retrograde slog beginning December 10th, though. Communication might get messy, electronics can throw fits, and nobody’s happy when the UPS tracking info makes absolutely no sense because they’ve inexplicably routed your very last-minute holiday gifts though the basement in the Bellagio in Vegas.
Bright spots: the New Moon in Sagittarius on the 5th is a fireball of an opportunity. Stick an arrow in your quiver and make it all happen then. Winter Solstice and the Full Moon on the 21st coincides with a Total Lunar Eclipse, so that’s more than pretty cool. Use the resulting power surge to burn off any internal pinecones you no longer need. (Don’t burn any wretched cinnamon-scented ones, though. You’ll never get that stank out of your hair, trust me.)
Other than yours and, you know, the big one on the 25th–the best birthday to celebrate this month is power Tweeting celeb and Aiming Low reader (we assume, because why not?) Alyssa Milano on the 19th. Happy Birthday, Hottie!
Your Scope on the Rocks for December 2010
Aries: Mars is your planet, baby, so this month might feel like feeding fire to a fire-breathing dragon who keeps throwing his fiery spoon off of the high-chair. No worries, you can easily adapt to the pace. Tuck a Starbucks card in your bra and kick it into high gear. Go ahead, get the whipped cream. You need something a little cool and sweet to offset the heat. Also, whipped cream is yum! Grab me a pumpkin spice latte, will ya?
Taurus: This December is a little too dicey for your tastes, so you are going to have to practice patience. Which sucks harder than a Real Housewife, I know. At least you can take comfort in shopping–you are an ace at finding the perfect holiday gift. Go ahead and play Santa for yourself too, to make sure you get a great gift for yourself too–NONE of us, especially your misguided significant other, want a repeat of NFL Snuggiegate 2009. That SO wasn’t pretty.
Gemini: They like you, they really like you, Gemini! You are like Nutella pie with a side of bacon–everyone wants a piece of you this month, and it turns out you like being fought over. You are like Brad and everyone else is Angelina and Jennifer. Which in one sense isn’t entirely fair, because you are so much prettier than Brad, but roll with it. Tell them all there is plenty to go around and milk it for all it’s worth!
Cancer: Listen, all I really want is a VIP invite to that gathering you are planning. Because it’s going to rock, rockstar. Deal? It’s all happening!
Leo: You need a “David Bowie Ch-ch-changes” Pandora station these days, don’t you, Tiger? No worries, you’ve got all you need to answer all the questions facing you this month. Except maybe the eternal question of: which do you choose, the hard or soft option? That’s always been a toughie.
Virgo: Thinking about your month is making me blush, Virgo, you minx! Exes swirling forward on Facebook. New interested parties buzzing around you, or new excitement from your one true love. Eyebrows are waggling so furiously they are self-waxing. If only the same were true elsewhere.
Libra: I don’t know what to tell you. You know how in True Blood Sookie is all tough and handling everything but also all emotional and losing it over Bill and one minute she’s in love but then she hates all vampires and she’s ripping Eric a new one despite the fact that he’s ancient and could shred her but he won’t because she’s cute with that little gap tooth and she’s special? That’s you this month. You’re special. You have absolutely no idea how you feel about all of this hoopla, but it’s okay, you are special and you’ll be okay. Promise.
Scorpio: The writer in you might be frustrated in the beginning of the month, worrying that you’ll be blocked all scary like Jack in The Shining. Don’t worry, it’s temporary. (Although so were those topiaries!) Better news: the way Venus plays at the end of the month means all y’all are bringing sexay back. With or without Justin. Probably with. Better put him on your list.
Sagittarius: This is always your month, but this year it’s even bigger and better and wilder thanks to Jupiter and Uranus. Literally. Don’t hold back, badass. Go big or go home. As if going small is ever an option with you.
Capricorn: When everyone else is falling apart this month they are going to look to you to rescue them. And this is what you are going to do: you are going to pretend you are Darryl Hannah in Splash and are in no position to rescue anyone because you need to take lots of baths to take care of your beautiful but oh-so-dry mermaid tale. What I’m saying is you get to come first for once, Cappy. I know, what a concept?!
Aquarius: Oh, wow. It’s like an old-fashioned romance novel come to life this month. Coy courtship, maybe some tentative fits and starts and ups and downs and angst, and then steamy bodice ripping at the end of the month? Sweet. If Favio shows up, I want pictures. Also, a lock of his hair. The real stuff, not the blonde weave–I can get that myself at the Dollar Store. And I do, I certainly do.
Pisces: You know how “Bohemian Rhapsody” starts like a harmless little ballad, and before you know it you are making drama face like you are in a freaking Kabuki, and then you and your neighbor’s mom and the dog and the baby are all thrashing into hairbrush mics “so you think you can stone me” and then, whew, any way the wind blows, tinkling chimes, and we all need a nap? That’s how December might be for you. Dude.
What do you think? Are the stars in your favor? Even if they aren’t, I am, promise. It’s you, me and Alyssa against the world, 4-ever. Tell me what you think December will bring in the comments.
About Deb Rox
Officially my new favorite horoscope column.
Twitter Name: missbritt
Damn. I have an interview on December 10th.
Twitter Name: uppoppedafox
You’ll be great! Is it to be Rachel Maddow’s assistant?
Twitter Name: debontherocks
My god, soft or hard!! This could eat my brain!!!!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
It’s the same question with tacos. Ironically.
Twitter Name: debontherocks
it might be one of my favorite fun karaoke songs but I can’t imagine needing/wanting a month that resembles Bohemian Rhapsody.
My December 19 baby is looking forward to a GREAT month. She and her little family are moving out from under the Big Top today which is a very good thing for us all because this circus tent has been crowded and she is about to sign a contract for an amazing opportunity that involves a lot of exposure for that which she does best. At least someone is promised a good month.
Twitter Name: nicurnmama
Wow! Sounds like a fabulous month!
Twitter Name: debontherocks
Thanks for the reminder to wax my brows. *Just* my brows. Ahem.
Twitter Name: IlinaP
Exactly. Though doesn’t adding on a pedicure sound nice, too? You deserve it!
Twitter Name: debontherocks
woohoo, they will like me this month?
Now my only question is am I hot & clean shaven Brad or homeless looking Brad on vacation?
Twitter Name: DExtraordinaire
Sounds like quite a wild month for us!
Twitter Name: Texas_Red
I’ve always wanted to be Daryl Hannah in Splash.. the only downside would be to have to make out with pre-Oscar Tom Hanks… not bad. I kind of liked Joe versus the Volcano, actually.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
I’ve already buckled my seatbelt!
Twitter Name: debontherocks
It’s only December 1st, but my horoscope is right already! I’m a Scorpio and earlier this morning I had a big old “I really suck at this” meltdown about writing. I got over it, but that’s spooky…
All work and no play makes Cathy a dull girl.
Twitter Name: MarvelousMrsE
Looking like an ESPECIALLY good month for me:
Coy courtship, maybe some tentative fits and starts and ups and downs and angst, and then steamy bodice ripping at the end of the month
Twitter Name: DanielleSmithTV
I’m liking my Capricorn horoscope. Me, me, ME!
Twitter Name: schmutzie
ARIES REPRAZENT, YO.
I’m fully prepared to throw down on December. I always knew it looked squirrelly. I been giving it the side-eye for _months_.
Twitter Name: JettSuperior
HArd baby hard. LOL !
Twitter Name: kimt205
I love being a Gemini. I really really do. And my Leo better make the right choice. I’d hate to show him the other personality(ies) this early in the game. :)
Twitter Name: Im_Wendy