We be illin’

You know what I really hate (besides racism & being the victim of a dutch oven)?

I really hate being sick. I am still getting over one of those nasty, viral head colds that make you feel like a big, phat, monster turd. For awhile there I seriously thought my head was going to burst open from all the internal pressure on my sinuses. Apparently, this shit is going around & I was lucky enough to catch those special germs. Yay!

Getting sick used to be awesome. In high school I got to stay home, lay on the couch, watch Top Gun & pause it on the part where Maverick licked Kelly McGillis’ neck.

Now that I’m a mother (& one who works from home) there’s isn’t a spare moment to lay around & fantasize about top secret trysts with short, overly enthusiastic fighter pilots.

Like any situation, being under the weather has it’s pros & cons.

PROS

  • I couldn’t smell Ruby’s doodoo.
  • Zack would try to cheer me up by making medicine jokes. He kept asking me if I needed some “peniscillin”.
  • I didn’t want to eat because I couldn’t taste anything. Insta-diet! (Don’t try this at home, kids. Balanced meals are super important & plus, passing out isn’t sexy).

CONS

  • I couldn’t smell Ruby’s doodoo! Which means she walked around with a poop patty plastered to her wee cheeks until I remembered to actually check her britches.
  • I developed raw, crusty nostrils from wiping them so much.
  • Cold medicine made me hallucinate a little bit. (I had trouble deciding whether to put this in the PRO or CON list).
  • My g-dang taste buds quit working.We even had Christmas cookies that I couldn’t taste! You know, the kind that are rolled in crack powdered sugar. It was practically torture. I am not exaggerating at all.

Unfortunately, there’s not a whole lot you can do to get rid of a virus. You just have to let it “run it’s course.” UGH.

There ARE however, some things you can do to alleviate the sucky symptoms. This is when twitter really comes in handy. You put it out there that you feel like a piece of shit & people will come out of the woodwork with advice.

Some of my favorite suggestions:

  • “Drink moonshine!” Yes, it does exist. I live in the mountains. I’m married to a local boy. It comes in mason jars. I may or may not have some in our freezer. It might even be apple pie flavored. But it does not get rid of snot.
  • “Use a neti pot!” This, I did try. It’s like a douche for your nose & it is AWESOME. I irrigated the SHIT out of my nostrils, y’all. I’m convinced this is what made me feel human again.
  • “Put vaseline on your nose so it doesn’t hurt when you blow it a million jillion times a day!” Well, I was fresh out of petroleum jelly so I used the next best thing: Astroglide! And OMG you guys, it worked like a champ. My nose was so happy with all that lube slathered on it. They need to start marketing it for this very reason. It’s SO not just for your crotch holes!
  • “Overdose on cold medicine!” This is a good recommendation if you like modern day drugs and/or want to forget that you are even sick. WHICH I DO. I swear I started having the craziest thoughts though. For example, I had this brilliant idea to put squeakers in my boobs so when you squeezed them, they would honk. HOW AMAZING WOULD THAT BE? I’ll tell you, it would be VERY AMAZING. It would also give me a new party trick. “Smack my ass” is getting super old.

Moral of the story? Wash your hands thirteen thousand trillion times a day & don’t lick strangers on the face. I learned the hard way.

About Robin Plemmons

Robin Plemmons is an artist. She makes greeting cards in her own funky handwriting that say things like, "Congratulations on making a human with your genitals!" & "I hope you washed your crotch because I'm about to put my face in it." You can find them in her Etsy Shop. She blogs at ballstothewallyall.com & tweets like a horny hyena. Follow her if you like that kind of thing: @robinplemmons.

Comments

  1. I bow to your funniness. Might have to try the lube…so that could have easily been an EZPZ tip, eh?

  2. nichole says:

    I jus laughed out loud in my car, and I can’t explain why because I don’t want to say “lube” in front of my children. (I’m prudish, and I’m OK with that.)

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  3. Virginia says:

    My husband swears by a shot of Jager to get rid of the funk.

    He also says drinking apple pie moonshine to get rid of a cold is a waste of good shine you won’t even be able to taste.

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  4. Alyssa says:

    I laughed so hard at this post, thankfully no one was in the office! One thing that helps me more then anything I have ever tried… Ginger Root. All you do is find some fresh ginger root in the produce section at the store (like $0.70) take it home slice some up, dump it in a small pot of water and boil the crap out of it. You want it strong! Pour it in a mug add some honey and a bit of moonshine if you want and drink. It’s great to drink it if you feel your getting sick too.. saved me the other day when I felt a nasty cold coming on and so far I all I’ve gotten in just a slightly stuffy nose.

  5. Siobhan Wolf says:

    The only thing wrong with this was that I was reading it all by myself – no one to share the gut-busting laughter with. Thank you, Robin. And you are a braver woman than I; I can’t even think about the neti-pot without just about heaving. I will, I think, stock up on some ginger though.

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  6. The fact this post has a netti pot and Astro-Glide in it makes it the best post I have seen all week. LMAO

  7. Faiqa says:

    I can’t believe you put Astroglide on your face. I really think that that might be the funniest thing I have ever heard in my entire life.

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  8. IzzyMom says:

    Ah yes, ye olde sinus flush (or douche if you prefer) is THE SHIT. I have terrible sinus’ even after surgery and flushing them saves me from an impending infection, of which I am guarangoddamnteed to get, every single time. Long live the sinus douche!

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  9. Deb Rox says:

    Where have you been my whole life?

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Trackbacks

  1. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Robin Plemmons. Robin Plemmons said: RT @AimingLow: LUBE ALERT! http://t.co/roEqIo5 Also, @robinplemmons wants you to honk her boob. [...]

  2. [...] Horrible issues with snot? Astroglide lube! [...]

  3. [...] I’m unsympathetic. With a vehicle as big as hers, she practically needs a shoe horn and a tub of Vaseline just to parallel park. But I’m also regularly amazed by the number of low-speed collisions she [...]

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