You know what I really hate (besides racism & being the victim of a dutch oven)?
I really hate being sick. I am still getting over one of those nasty, viral head colds that make you feel like a big, phat, monster turd. For awhile there I seriously thought my head was going to burst open from all the internal pressure on my sinuses. Apparently, this shit is going around & I was lucky enough to catch those special germs. Yay!
Getting sick used to be awesome. In high school I got to stay home, lay on the couch, watch Top Gun & pause it on the part where Maverick licked Kelly McGillis’ neck.
Now that I’m a mother (& one who works from home) there’s isn’t a spare moment to lay around & fantasize about top secret trysts with short, overly enthusiastic fighter pilots.
Like any situation, being under the weather has it’s pros & cons.
- I couldn’t smell Ruby’s doodoo.
- Zack would try to cheer me up by making medicine jokes. He kept asking me if I needed some “peniscillin”.
- I didn’t want to eat because I couldn’t taste anything. Insta-diet! (Don’t try this at home, kids. Balanced meals are super important & plus, passing out isn’t sexy).
- I couldn’t smell Ruby’s doodoo! Which means she walked around with a poop patty plastered to her wee cheeks until I remembered to actually check her britches.
- I developed raw, crusty nostrils from wiping them so much.
- Cold medicine made me hallucinate a little bit. (I had trouble deciding whether to put this in the PRO or CON list).
- My g-dang taste buds quit working.We even had Christmas cookies that I couldn’t taste! You know, the kind that are rolled in crack powdered sugar. It was practically torture. I am not exaggerating at all.
Unfortunately, there’s not a whole lot you can do to get rid of a virus. You just have to let it “run it’s course.” UGH.
There ARE however, some things you can do to alleviate the sucky symptoms. This is when twitter really comes in handy. You put it out there that you feel like a piece of shit & people will come out of the woodwork with advice.
Some of my favorite suggestions:
- “Drink moonshine!” Yes, it does exist. I live in the mountains. I’m married to a local boy. It comes in mason jars. I may or may not have some in our freezer. It might even be apple pie flavored. But it does not get rid of snot.
- “Use a neti pot!” This, I did try. It’s like a douche for your nose & it is AWESOME. I irrigated the SHIT out of my nostrils, y’all. I’m convinced this is what made me feel human again.
- “Put vaseline on your nose so it doesn’t hurt when you blow it a million jillion times a day!” Well, I was fresh out of petroleum jelly so I used the next best thing: Astroglide! And OMG you guys, it worked like a champ. My nose was so happy with all that lube slathered on it. They need to start marketing it for this very reason. It’s SO not just for your crotch holes!
- “Overdose on cold medicine!” This is a good recommendation if you like modern day drugs and/or want to forget that you are even sick. WHICH I DO. I swear I started having the craziest thoughts though. For example, I had this brilliant idea to put squeakers in my boobs so when you squeezed them, they would honk. HOW AMAZING WOULD THAT BE? I’ll tell you, it would be VERY AMAZING. It would also give me a new party trick. “Smack my ass” is getting super old.
Moral of the story? Wash your hands thirteen thousand trillion times a day & don’t lick strangers on the face. I learned the hard way.