I walked in the front door sifting through the mail. A bill, another bill, catalog, credit card offer, reminder to make an appointment for a teeth cleaning, another bill and something from a lab somewhere here in California. Having been raised Jewish with a mother who is only happy when she is either going to or coming from her latest MRI, I started to panic, trying to remember what horrible painful chronic illness I had recently been tested for and for which I was now convinced was going to kill me because why else would the lab have any need to contact me.
I sat myself down, the phone ready by my side for when I needed to start calling around with the news of my impending demise. I then opened the envelope. Inside was a letter thanking me for my donation and a list of horrible diseases that I would now have a part in helping to cure.
After having spent the better part of a year enduring painful fertility treatments and an early miscarriage, I finally gave birth to a little girl we named Phoebe. When all was said and done there remained one “good” embryo and my then husband and I decided to freeze it while we began to deal with the idea of actually having to put our needs second, FOREVER.
I looked at the name of the lab again and that is when it hit me. The “donation” they were referring to was that leftover embryo which my ex husband and I had recently designated be given over for stem cell research.
When I asked for the divorce, certain friends stopped calling, others questioned how I could have a baby when it was pretty clear, to them, how unhappy I was in the marriage. Several accused me of using my daughter as a “Hail Mary” tactic to keep my husband and I together.
As painful as this all was, “I got it”. What I never “got” and what I never even could have imagined was the grief I felt as I sat on my couch reading that letter. I was close to 41 years old at the time and very single. When I gave up my embryo I knew it was the right thing to do. I had no desire to have another child with my ex-husband nor did I have the wherewithal to raise two children alone.
However, what I didn’t realize until that moment was that I’d given up the only natural sibling that my daughter would have ever had the chance to know. Once again, there were people who questioned my choice. As the tears came pouring down, I felt like each one represented a question to which I would never have the answer. Was it a boy or a girl? Blonde or brunette? Outgoing or shy? Would it have liked chocolate or vanilla? Or maybe it would have been more of a salt person and so wouldn’t have cared either way. Would it have? Could it have?
When I made the decision to donate, I was so busy being angry with my ex, with my life and all the forks in the road where it seemed I’d taken the wrong path. I knew that in turning my embryo over to science, I was, in a way, unleashing myself from him, taking off yet another chain and giving myself the freedom to go on with my life. What I didn’t see at the time, however, was the loss of family that I had worked so hard to form and maintain. All those commercials for Disneyland, Olive Garden, every brand of minivan, each one of them a constant reminder, even a mockery at times, of what my family is supposed to look like and yet will never be.
I have spoken with adults who are only children and sometimes it’s hard to listen to them as they tell me how they always wished they’d had a sibling.
The irony behind this whole tale is that I am one of three girls. I’m not close to either sister, to the point where when I was told one of them had gotten engaged, I was very surprised as I had no idea she had even been dating anyone.
At the end of the day, what is done is done. I still don’t regret my decision. I did what had to do and besides, I fucking hate Olive Garden, Disneyland and I wouldn’t drive a minivan if you paid me. So there.
About Jessica Bern
As someone who may benefit from stem cell research I thank you for what must be an agonizing decision.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
I am an only child and I loved it my whole life (after about the age of 5.) Now and again, I think of how having a sibling would make things easier with my parents, now that they are aging; however, I have a good husband, close friends and a strong constitution developed after spending years learning to deal with life on my own. I don’t regret a single moment being an only child and if fact, I think it gave me some advantages. I am not more self centered than my friends with siblings. I am not a loner. I do enjoy time alone and require it to refuel, but I also enjoy company. So don’t worry about your only child. I think it’s natural to mourn a life that will never be and you earned that mourning. And when you’re finished, you can know that your little girl will have a fantastic life and that you will help her to learn how.
Best of luck to you.
For what it’s worth, I’m an only child raised by a single mom and I have never wished for anything else. I loved my childhood, I love my life, my mom and I have a great relationship. Siblings can be way overrated! Making any other decision could have ended up either bad or good but making the decision to donate will absolutely change lives for the better.
Twitter Name: MBonn
I was an only child until I was 13 and it rocked! Anyone who tells you that being an only child isn’t great is just afraid of sounding selfish about the wonders of never having to share your parents.
Also, let me know if you need new friends – you know, ones who don’t kick you in the ribs when you are down.
Twitter Name: ladyjess78
I understand how you feel. I went into menopause early, after having had only one child. I had recently made the decision not to have any more kids, but the fact that it wasn’t even an option anymore stung.
It’s the loss of possibility that’s painful.
Twitter Name: msmegan
That’s one lucky Phoebe to have you as a mom. Breathe sugar, we’re all doing the best we can.
Sounds like you trusted your gut which is not always an easy thing to do. So, a big bravo to you. Screw commercialized families- you have love. That’s all that matters.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
I can see how that would be a very painful experience :( Hugs to you. Phoebe will do just fine as an only child, she has a great mom. Really great. And funny too :)
Twitter Name: mommygeekology
*Raises Hand*
I’m another that may benefit someday! What you did is a gift to many. Difficult and right for you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be hman and wonder what might have been.
Thank you
Wow. Such a brave, powerful post. I so admire your honesty–and your ability to share your story so eloquently.
I love this. I love you. I’m so glad you wrote this. Thank you, lady. You’re beautiful.
This is a very moving post. It made my heart sad, but also happy for the furthering of research.
Rashell
What a tough decision. What a heartfelt, honest, beautifully written post. I’m sorry you’re sad, and I hope you feel better soon. You get a gold star in heaven. <3
So funny, so heartbreaking, so beautifully written.
So Jessica.
Twitter Name: annsrants
Damn, Jessica. I had no idea you’d been through IVF. We never had anything worth freezing, so we never had this dilemma – but – I totally hear you. The mere idea of a sibling for my child sometimes gets me in the gut. But then I get over it and remember that I too hate minivans.
Twitter Name: magpiemusing
When you and Phoebe are driving around in your two-seater sports car laughing at the suckers in the mini-vans, you’ll be reminded that you made the right choice.
After my egg aspiration, what started out as seven eggs eventually winnowed down to a pair: one was too immature to fertilize, two never divided after fertilization, two divided, but not appropriately, and two were textbook. Those textbook blastocysts are now 5 years old and navigating kindergarten. Before we even began the process of IVF, I agonized over what I would do if I were lucky enough to have “leftovers”. I never did come to a satisfying conclusion — which makes me glad I didn’t have to actually make the decision. I certainly admire you for doing what you know was best for your family (and, yes, you and Phoebe are most certainly a family), but that doesn’t mean it can’t still hurt. And I sympathize.
Having three children who routinely bring be to tears for tons of other not-so-caring reasons… I honestly wouldn’t've thought this kind of thing was a big deal. And I feel like a monster for saying that. :(
Thanks for telling your story, Jessica, and making a callous, harried woman stop and think about the implications of embryo storage and donation. (And THAT is a sentence I never thought I’d say or write.) That said, I thank you, as well, for making the donation so more stem cell research can be done.
Twitter Name: theBitchinWife
I think this was an amazing post Jessica. I have a very good friend who is an only children, and I swear she’s told me several times that she doesn’t miss having a sibling. In today’s day and age, what with distances (virtual AND literal) growing between family members, friends are becoming FAMILY. And I know that’s what Phoebe will have throughout her life. You, as a constant, and whoever else you surround yourself with. And her friends! Fab post and I am so glad you wrote it.
You made me cry. Minivans suck.
xoxo
I refused to drive a minivan and I do. But, I will never, EVER eat at Olive Garden.
For good or bad, a closing door generally *does* hit you on the ass on your way out. A decision like that could never be easy or simple. So even knowing it was the right one for you won’t change the inevitable grief of “ending.” But that knowing is exactly what makes sadness temporary – a necessary step forward. It helps you make peace with your decision.
And for the record, it seems like all of the “only children” I know find all of their relatives to be more trouble than they’re worth and never lamented the lack siblings who would most likely have followed suit. I never had a sister, but I found that relationship with friends. Family has far less to do with blood than with love.
Twitter Name: BigPieceofCake
This is heart-wrenchingly, beautifully written, Jessica. Your strength, grace and humor just shine on through.
-Ellie
Ya gotta mourn the losses. And take comfort in the possibility your little one [Phoebe] may well have a better relationship down the road with her partner, with a bit of help from you and your gained wisdom. Maybe that can take the place of a sibling. You’re a brave one there, Bernie.
Nice job Jessica. I’m so proud of you. It takes a brave woman to write such a moving post about such a personal experience.
Eres una madre y amiga increible para Phoebe, ella es muy feliz solo contigo, no necesita mas :)
Our family may also one day benefit from your donation…I thank you.
This was beautiful, thank you for sharing it. I, myself, have never considered the depth of sacrifice something like this entails. You opened my eyes to that, and I respect you and others who have made this decision so much more now. XOXO
Twitter Name: Faiqa
I get it. I cry every now and again when I see a baby. I will never be able to give birth to a child, I think that is a normal reaction to be sad over a sense of loss. (I adopted two beautiful kids so I am good!) But there are some positives. You daughter will have all your attention forever and you will never have to deal with your ex in respect to another child. Parenting is tough, co-parenting with an ex is a nightmare! You will NEVER have to drive a minivan and pushing a watermelon out of your vagina is not a risk you will have to take when you have sex. SCORE!
Twitter Name: pqforlife
I’m the mum of an only child. He was a bit of a fluke and the pregnancy was a bit difficult. I couldn’t have another even if I wanted one. Thirteen years on I have my hands full – and I am glad that I can give all my parental focus to a boy who needs a lot of attention – yes there are down sides to being an only child but he knows that if he needs me then everything else comes second. He never has to share my attention with another child. One day your little girl will realise just what a great gift that is. Plus – who needs the sleep deprivation of having a baby again? All those people who used to say “When are you going to give him a little brother or sister??” are now off my xmas card list.
Jessica, I am so sorry that was a decision you were faced with, along with all the reminders that prick your heart now and then.
You already know this, but siblings don’t always mean close meaningful relationships. I’ll just say my hope for your daughter is that through you, or herself she will connect with a handful of peers who will be significant, consistent lovers of her. People who will bring out the best of her, and whom she can pour herself into.
Love comes in so many different forms, we all need to remember that.
That is the only sappy you’re going to see from me this year.
Twitter Name: sasstown
Finales are so sad. Moving on, so sad.
Phoebe is the apple of your eye, and you two will forever be close.
I have 1 sister and 1 brother I don’t even talk to.
There’s no guarantee they’d be close.
You have one, and she is a blessing, and I know you know that.
It’s the finality of everything that can be so sad.
Twitter Name: gdrpempress
I can imagine what a difficult time that was for you, both during the divorce and upon receiving that letter. This was a different side of you than I’ve seen before (except the Olive Garden/minivan part) for a very serious subject. And while I’ve not experienced what you have in the fertility area, I can empathize. You and Phoebe are so lucky to have each other.
Best,
Kimber
Twitter Name: fragrantliar
What you did was so brave. You are helping people that now have incurable diseases. But I can imagine the curiosity you felt leading up to your decision.
Twitter Name: osnsmom
FUCK minivans and FUCK exes! soooo much love to you. i adore this post. the grief comes in so many weird little waves, but it will wash right on back leaving us new again. and again. and again.
Twitter Name: alishayarbrough
You wrote this so beautifully. Your heart completely shined through.
Thanks for sharing it with all of us.
Twitter Name: sandiegomomma
What a tough decision to make. We’re paying rent for freezer space for a couple potential sibs right now. We have to figure out what to do about ‘em soon.
You did the right thing. Now, back the fuck off about mini-vans.
Twitter Name: betadad
Love you Sister.
Jessica, that was beautifully written, thank you for sharing that part of you with us.
Twitter Name: formerlyphread
so much love and admiration for you and your voice.
fucking hate olive garden.
Twitter Name: mybottlesup
i have 6 much older half siblings. i was kind of raised as an only child in that respect. i always had friends over or was at other people’s houses. there were times when i was 6-8ish that i said that i wished that i was a twin. other than that, i never wanted a sibling. i knew that i’d have to share my stuff all of the time, not be able to go do fun things (because of money) and have to share my mom. no thanks!
i now have an only child. she’s 5 and has never even hinted at wanting a sibling. i am glad, because i would have to disappoint her. i don’t want another. my husband doesn’t either. one is plenty! we are able to do lots of fun stuff, live the way we want to and when she’s on a playdate (like today), i have the place to myself. !!!!!!!!!!
just had to chime in since you said, “I have spoken with adults who are only children and sometimes it’s hard to listen to them as they tell me how they always wished they’d had a sibling.”. :)
Smart decision. And? I adore you. That is all… xox
I’ve never had to make a decision that personal and that hard, but I think that what you did was great. Even if the idea was started in anger, it was a brave thing to go through with and so much for the greater good. xoxox
Twitter Name: CountessMo
Wow. The serious side of Jessica. What a tough topic. I have a”one and only” and I agonize over the no sibling decision. Or even question if it is a decision (implying that it really, truly is in my control). This was an incredibly well-written post and thanks for pouring your heart out.
Twitter Name: allthingsfadra