Holy balls! Christmas is two days away!
If you’re like me (semi-broke & moderately lazy yet full of good intent) you will love this last minute Christmas gift idea.
I’ve done this before for birthdays & it’s been highly successful. Especially if you keep it personal & entertaining.
What you do is, send your loved one an email (stay with me now) to links of all the things you would LOVE to give to him or her but don’t have the ca$h or power to do so.
Here are some ideas:
- A luxurious trip to some exotic location for the two of you to enjoy. Like Bora Bora. You can even include what you would want to do on your voyage (besides lounge in a hammock with a fruity drink & have lots of sexual intercourse. That is, if you actually would like to have sexual intercourse with this person. Don’t type that if you don’t mean it because that could get real awkward).
- A membership to the Bacon of the Month Club. Because nothing says Merry Christmas like delicious slabs of pig on your doorstep.
- A lion! I mean, if you’re going for the exxxtreme, you might as well go ALL out & hypothetically get them something unusual & totally BAD ASS. Plus, owning a lion is an aphrodisiac. Just ask Esteban Reyes on Weeds. (Hi-5 the screen if you get that reference. Be sad for yourself if you don’t).
- Breast implants that honk when you squeeze them. Guaranteed, non-stop fun! AND people will want to feel you up constantly. Which would be fantastic if you like people invading your personal space.
- The whole line of hand embroidered beauties from Stephanie Tillman of whatpart.etsy.com. This one if my FAVE. There are so many that I adore though. Her shop is currently all sold out but click on SALES in the shop info category to see all of them. They are hysterical.
- An Icee machine. What I wouldn’t give to have Coke Icees at my fingertips! Make sure you include those long straws with the scoops on the end.
- Or if you’re a lush, how about a hot sake machine? My husband goes on & on about how wonderful it would be to have one of these in our house every freaking time we eat sushi. Another thing that happens every time we eat sushi? I order the miso soup & sing “oh miso horny, oh oh miso horny.” If you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, watch this:
So, there you go! Feel free to get all creative with this. Think of what your friend would LOVE to receive & pretend to make it happen online. It’s easy & free. And if it’s really “the thought that counts”, you totally win.
To make it more festive, save this image to your computer & attach it to your fake gift email. 
P.S. This idea doesn’t work well with children. It will just piss them off & make them want to throw things at the back of your head.
About Robin Plemmons
YOU COMPLETE ME!!!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
YOU HAD ME AT HELLO!!!
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
THE FUCKING ZOO’S CLOSED!!
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
Your tips are very helpful this week, thank you.
And the fact that I want to pee my pants laughing is just the cherry on the top that makes me adore you even more.
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
You shouldn’t pee your pants because that is embarrassing & because people won’t like you if you smell like pee. xoxo Julia Roberts!
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
I’ll go you one simpler: I’m just going to email the link to this post to people I “forgot” to shop for. Like my parents.
This is seriously a good idea though. For realz.
Just make sure you emit the sexual intercourse part.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
You are a very valuable resource. So I “got” you a “present.” It’s over here.
Twitter Name: nicholee
OMG! I’VE ALWAYS WANTED A DEER & KARL LAGERFELD! How did you know?! That is amazing.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
Damn, woman, you make me el-oh-el. Also? Owning a lion would be totally badass.
Twitter Name: Faiqa
It would be SO badass until it escaped & started eating people.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
I know what you are getting for ChrisHanaKwanzahFestivus!!
Twitter Name: StacieinAtlanta
Jon hates when I read your stuff while he is watching movies because I laugh out loud and then read it to him and then make him read it himself because I was laughing while reading and it doesn’t make much sense when I read it out loud. Thanks for being so awesome and funny all at the same time.
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