Maybe Not THAT Low

File this under “Sex and the Newly Single Mom.”

Or, “How Your Mom Can Really Screw Up Your Screwing.”

After years of being married to a man who was not deaf, but played one on TV… I mean… in our relationship, I’m too easily impressed when someone actually remembers anything I say.

It all started way back when I was a kid. Doesn’t it always? Yes, in fact, it WAS my mother’s fault. But this space is too small for the volumes and volumes of What My Mother Did to Eff Me Up. Just look at me and know that THIS (points at self… maybe with slightly crazy eyes) does NOT come from sane and normal people!

Suffice to say, I ended up marrying a man that, much like my mom, never heard a word I said. Not only did he not hear anything I said, he actually replaced real conversations with words he thought I might say. Having never really heard any of the ones I DID say, the ones he replaced my original thoughts with were pulled out of his ass the air.

Imagine trying to raise kids, make vacation plans, pay the mortgage, or do just about anything with a spouse that is always making up your end of the conversation in his head. It’s crazy making!!

Now imagine that you are no longer attached to Senor A-Hole. You are out there… single… hot-ish… maybe a tad bit lonely… and meeting guys that not only listen, but that have the audacity to bring up the conversation again. And ((GASP)) sometimes even on a different day! I am telling you, this is a powerful combination that is kryptonite to a seemingly strong woman who hasn’t been heard by the one person she was trying to get to listen.

Add in a damn full moon and you’ve got a recipe for unhealthy stalker-like infatuations.

So, I actually had to talk to a coach about this. (Stop laughing.) We had a long, enlightening, wonderful phone call one night last week. We went back to the days of not being heard by my mom. I pictured what that felt like. Through some wonderful visualizing, I was able to release some hurt and come to a place where I didn’t feel that every time a guys listened to me, I should sexually reward him.

Not that I was… ummm… doing that!

Anyway.

In this one particular instance, I’m gonna say that maybe this mama (and maybe you, if you fall under the categories listed at the top of this post) should aim just a leeeettle higher. And if you happen to meet me one day and you repeat back to me the words that I have said to you, don’t be surprised if I walk right over and lick your face.

Just sayin.