I love this future we live in in which we can watch 1980s flicks like St. Elmo’s Fire while soaking in the bathtub.
I know it sounds very glamorous, so for reasons of both honesty and transparency, here is a picture of what my hair and forehead looked like during said bath.
What is up with all that freckling on my forehead? My mid-30s are being cruel. Does anyone know what I can do about that? If not about the general cruelty of my mid-30s, then at least about the patchiness? No? Bitches.
Anyway, this is how you should be bathing these days, and if you’re not, you’re doing it wrong. We have Netflix Instant now and laptop computers. There are no more excuses to lead a less luxurious life.
Also, it’s very educational. I learned that there were gigantic studio apartments in the 80s:
They were veritable bowling alleys.
And my Hollywood boyfriends and girlfriends were really, really cute and so worth my high school heart’s affections. How cute were Ally Sheedy and Andrew McCarthy?
Sooooo cute. That’s how cute. And let’s not forget Judd Nelson. I had this strong feeling of yearning whenever he and his powerful nostrils hit the screen back then:
I met him once, if ever so briefly. In fact, it was so brief and without the actual exchange of names that I doubt you can call it “meeting” him. He was shooting a movie nearby, and he took to hanging out in the pub I frequented. He spent most of his time there playing this arcade game of golf while these two depressing, bottle-blonde hangers-on in bad brassieres watched. One evening, I had to use the bathroom, but he was blocking my way, so I said “Ahem, excuse me,” and he shimmied his butt a little further away, but there still wasn’t much room and he wasn’t going to make any more for me, so I slid along behind him, and my pelvis rubbed along Judd Nelson’s ass really slowly.
Sadly, it was actually not sexy at all, being that he was swearing over his golf game and the hangers-on ladies in the bad brassieres were looking at me with dull expressions while they chewed gum. The whole thing was damn depressing and felt like some coming-of-age hipster film about disenfranchisement and the awful weight of the reality of adulthood. It completely quashed my inner 15-year-old’s fantasies of doing John Bender and instead made me want to run home and re-read Jean-Paul Sartre’s Nausea.
The End.
I hope I didn’t kill anyone’s Judd Nelson fantasies. If it helps, there was nothing wrong with his ass, and I’m pretty sure that those hangers-on ladies in the bad brassieres have moved on to other prey by now. They looked kind of non-committal about it all.
Anyway, the point of this whole diatribe is to impress upon you that this is the only right and true way to bathe anymore if you’ve got access to a laptop, cheap streaming movies, and a sweet cat who will investigate your bath bubbles for tastiness. I command you to set aside some time to partake of all that this wondrous future has to offer us.
What 1980′s movies would be your go-to choice for an afternoon of glorious bathing?
About Schmutzie
Ohhhh now I MUST watch St. Elmo’s Fire soon. That is tied for top fave 80′s movie with Say Anything.
Twitter Name: bookishpenguin
You just gave me my next bathtub movie! I haven’t seen Say Anything in years.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Have you seen the movie “Overboard”? It has Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell in it? She’s this rich bitch who gets amnesia and he pretends he’s her husband and he has her come back to his squalor and help raise his 4 unruly boys? Best movie ever.
Twitter Name: DTKMMeLookCrazy
Overboard. Check.
I should just become a bathtub movie reviewer.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
You would have to tell us which bath products you paired the movies with, like food and wine.
The 80′s movie I most wish I could see again is Withnail & I.
Twitter Name: ffantastica
I LOVED Withnail & I back in the day. Thanks for reminding me.
And you’re right. I should totally treat this like a bath products/movie review thing: “Brad Pitt’s butt wasn’t bad, but this Coconut Sassafrass Hair Smoothing Remedy moved the room!”.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
I love this idea very much. Bliss “Blood Orange Soapy Suds” and Swimming with Sharks.
Twitter Name: debontherocks
The original “Hairspray,” among others.
May I recommend a mild lactic acid peel for the splotches? You can get it on Amazon fairly cheaply.
Twitter Name: msmegan
THANK YOU. I have become so freaking splotchy over the last few years, I’m way beyond freckles, which I like, so I’ll give this a try.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
I concur on Overboard. Stupid, unrealistic, adorable. :D
But I wouldn’t advise trying out Kurt Russell’s tactics in the real world.
Twitter Name: palinode
Girls Just Want To Have Fun with Sarah Jessica Parker and Helen Hunt. So full of 80′s ridiculousness that it’s wonderful. I have seen it dozens of times and it never gets old. That and how do you not want to dance when you hear the music… although maybe dancing in the tub could be a bad idea.
Then I must invent tub dancing, also.
How have I never seen this movie? It goes on the list.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
I could bathe to another movie starring one of the brat packers in his seminal role: Emilio Estevez in “Repo Man.” Except that I would drown by the 3rd act, where everything gets really weird and I start hacking up bong rips left over from 1984, when I used to rent that flick from Errol’s Video every month or so.
Also, I got that shit on my (ever-expanding) forehead too! At first, my dermatologist called it “pregnancy mask” and said it’s really unusual for men to get it. It’s most common in women of color, in fact, which doesn’t really describe me very well, except maybe in a spiritual sense. They gave me some expensive bleachy stuff (it was actually the same shit they use for genital warts!), and it kind of worked. But later, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and my doc said the skin condition was because of that. Sure enough, the thyroid meds cleared it up.
Twitter Name: betadad
These are good things to know because a) I am not pregnant, b) I am not a woman of colour, and c) thyroid stuff runs in my family.
Also, Repo Man’s on the list now.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
I cannot BELIEVE I haven’t thought of this, yet. So simple, yet sheer GENIUS.
National Lampoon’s Vacation will always have a special place in my liver. Not my heart. But definitely another important organ.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
I’m a Some Kind of Wonderful girl. The scene where Eric Stoltz practice kisses Mary Stewart Matheston. SWOON.
Twitter Name: bronwyn_mayb
Bwahahaha! I just discovered this for myself the other night. It really IS the only way to bathe now. Although the cat no longer investigates my bathing after the “bitch pulled me into that shit” debacle of last year.
You must have one intelligent cat. Mine never learn. I have one that throws himself into the bath all the time.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
WHY has this never occurred to me? And a huge thank you to the commenters for reminding me of Overboard and Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. Saturday night bathtub movie night ahoy!
Twitter Name: mamabub
You will not regret it.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
This just makes me wildly happy. I will have to try this when I’m able to take baths again. It sounds like heaven.
I’m with everyone else. So gonna be a copy cat! Down to the movie.
Love me some St. Elmos. Must admit you did kinda ruin my Judd Nelson fantasies. Sad. My vote for your next movie: Heathers! Do it, love it, Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.
Twitter Name: ecnewlin