The Palinode, my spouse of nine-and-a-half years, likes to play fast and loose with his personal safety at times. One moment, we can be having the nicest conversation over dinner or while on a walk, and the next he’s tempting me to suffocate him with my hand.
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The Palinode and I were eating lunch at nearby deli.
Schmutzie: I’m taking my wedding ring in to have it sized.
Palinode: Bigger or smaller?
Schmutzie: Smaller.
Palinode: Well, that’s because your hands are getting all old and gnarled.
And then he pantomimed the crabbed hands of witch.
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Just so you know, I wouldn’t suffocate him with my hand. It’s just really tempting. Of course, he always manages to find these situations side-splittingly hilarious.
He’s just lucky that I’m suspended in this perpetual state of infatuation with him.
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I was passing the Palinode in our hallway when I noticed how youthful his skin looks for thirty-nine.
Schmutzie: How is it possible?
Palinode: What?
Schmutzie: You’re de-ageing! You look more youthful somehow than you did before, and I’m looking positively ancient. It’s not fair.
Palinode: It must be all this peanut butter I’ve been eating. [he held up a peanut butter sandwich]
Schmutzie: [I tried to bore holes into his head with my eyes]
Palinode: Oh, yeah. You probably want me to say you’re not ancient. [he refrained from telling me I was not ancient]
And then he laughed his incredibly foolish head off.
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Great. I am a rapidly ageing, wizened hag, and he’s found his fountain of youth in peanut butter sandwiches. I considered introducing his throat to my right elbow.
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I ran into the Palinode in the kitchen and told him about this article.
Palinode: Did you really say that you’re “suspended in this perpetual state of infatuation” with me?
Schmutzie: Yes.
Palinode: Then I can get away with a lot.
He proceeded to do a little soft shoe routine and threw up his version of crabbed witch hands.
Schmutzie: Look, I’m feeling all tense. I need whale songs and low lighting or something.
Palinode: [he writhed slowly from the waist up] Oooh oooooh oh oooh.
Schmutzie: What are you doing?
Palinode: I’m making whale songs for you. Oooooh oh oooh oooh.
Schmutzie: Nice. That way you’re whining through your nose there? That’s really annoying.
He continued to writhe and shuffle around the kitchen.
Palinode: Oh oooh oooooh oooh. Are you feeling relaxed yet?
Schmutzie: No. No, I am not. I was kidding about needing whale songs.
Palinode: Don’t worry. Their effects will kick in soon. Oooh oooooh oh oooh.
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I am a martyr for his love, people. A MARTYR.
About Schmutzie
Yes, I have a husband with a sense of humor that won’t quit, ageless skin and is always in a good mood. It can be difficult. ;-)
Twitter Name: Faiqa
It’s a trial, but I muddle through.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Mmm. Crabbed Hands of Witch. That sounds kind of tasty.
Twitter Name: palinode
You are not eating my hands.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Mmm…crabbed hands with clarified butter.
Twitter Name: SeaHag60
are you two SURE you don’t want to come live next door to me?
I would! I would! This prairie living is for the gophers.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Soft shoe AND whale noises? Keeper!
I married him for the good cooking; I kept him for his ability to speak to orcas.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Come for the food. Stay for the superior cetacean communication abilities.
I think the Palinode-Schmutzie pairing needs to be turned into art of some kind. A movie, a play, sitcom, a triptych, performance art.
This all sounds oddly familiar. Yes, I probably laugh hardest when my husband is yanking my chain. I have to say that mine doesn’t look quite so scary as yours when he’s eating pasta.
Love is good, mostly. Kind of. But this love of yours w/ the P is very good.
Very. If I believed in things like being blessed, holy crap am I blessed.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
Cetaceans are extremely sensual animals. You’re a lucky woman.
Twitter Name: twobusy
I am lucky. He’s an extremely humanoid cetacean. It makes our bestial love look almost normal.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
You two are wonderful. Simply wonderful.
You guys are awesome.
Twitter Name: trinity67
I think I may be major like with your husband. Don’t tell mine.
Twitter Name: SeaHag60
“in” major like. What’s with my proof reading?
Twitter Name: SeaHag60
My wife tolerates a lot of my nonsense, but sometimes I wish she would give back a little. She prefers to suffer in silence.
When can we come over for brunch?
I’m afraid.
Twitter Name: schmutzie