A few months ago, I went to the funeral of a friend’s mother. The woman was only seventy-four years old. I say “only” because as I approach my 46th birthday, I realize I have to. It’s that or lie in bed all day, crying knowing that my possibilities are not endless, they’ve ended.
Anyway, as I sat there in the church pew , I wondered when the time comes, what I would say about my own mother or my father, for that matter, and the only thing that came to mind was, “ I am so fucked.”
Don’t worry, this is not going to be a rant about how my parents would’ve likely done better raising goldfish and I’m lucky I turned out only fucked up and not say in prison or worse, an actress….
Oh wait, did that…..
Anyway, like I said, this is not going to be one of those posts where I say things that make you feel sorry for me, you know like that it’s the holidays and I have received nothing so far except information telling me that my parents will be arriving at my home on Christmas morning and will remain here until they have either A) ruined my life, B) the four days have passed or C) my mother “gets’ that my 7 years old daughter’s version of fun is not sitting in Starbucks watching grandma spoon the foam out of her decaf cappuccino.
No, as I said, the focus of this post this about what the hell I’m going to say when either of them passes away. Don’t get me wrong, I hope it’s not for another 20 years from now, which it very well could be, especially if refusing to acknowledge you’re deaf, telling the same story over and over and over again and spending your entire visit to California telling your West Coast kid that on the East Coast it’s actually ‘blank’ o’clock, can actually contribute to a longer life span.
Here you will read only about how difficult I am thinking it is going to be to find the words to describe a childhood that was way less than ideal and the thoughts of a daughter who would go card shopping every year, looking for something more along the lines of,
“Um, yeah, so, okay, well, Happy Mother’s Day”
or
“Remember the time we…? I know, me neither. Love you! “Happy Father’s Day”.
There will be no negativity as both of my parents have come around and admitted that perhaps they could have done a better job or just, you know, “a” job, and have reached out to me and worked hard to be the parents they could be….one day….Instead, I will spend this time wondering if it would be okay if my eulogy only references the last ten or so years of their lives and hope that people don’t notice while I basically pretend that none of us existed prior to 2004.
and finally, I will make sure that when I finish pondering all of this, that I will put together my own eulogy that my daughter can read at my funeral and then I will enroll her in acting classes so that when she gets to the line, “My mom was an amazing mother” even her team of long time therapists, her 12 step sponsor and her pharmacist, will believe her.
About Jessica Bern
Technology is making great advances. Maybe you can vlog the eulogy. That way you can practice.
Twitter Name: mommygeekology
Mommygeek’s idea is brilliant, though maybe film them doing their own eulogies. It’s like a gift card, tell them this way they can be sure that what gets said is exactly what they want. Ta-da!
Twitter Name: debontherocks
Brilliant idea! Who needs a eulogy when you can just give your own speech.
Twitter Name: schmutzie
YOUR A HORIBLE DAUTGHTER AND U SHLD BEE GLAD U EVEN HAVE A MoTHER BCUZ SUM PPL DONT EVEN HAVE A MOHTHER AND GOD WILL SNEND U 2 HELL!!!!!! 4 EVEN TALKIN LIKE THIS BITCH!!!!!
Ha. I just had to do it before some troll did.
In other news, one day my BFF and I were at breakfast at the Ahwahnee in Yosemite and there was this lovely, loving, perfectly functional family next to us – everyone was dressed appropriately and properly accessorized, on time, speaking in low tones, chuckling and smiling, being kind to the waitstaff. We turned to each other and said “I wonder what THAT would be like??”
Twitter Name: suebob
I almost bit my tongue at SB’s comment! The all-caps was only topped by the PERFECT spelling!
OMG! Every day SueBob has to come and make me laugh!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
That is hilarious! I was totally buying it at first! Completely accurate in what trolls do. I have a wonderful mom and she was wonderful from the beginning. So…yeah…that’s all I got. Feelin’ for ya’ and your not being sure how to tackle this task.
Man. I’m still a little shaken by Suebob’s comment. The scary troll part was way too realistic!
I love the idea of giving your parents the gift of a slickly produced self-eulogy. And I’m sure the work of putting it together would bring you all together in a warm yet perverse John Irving kind of way.
You really have to do it.
Twitter Name: betadad
Anissa: Would you mind if MAYBE I did do that exact vlog for my wed. post? No promises, in case it turns out to horribly morbid but I’d love to try.
Clearly I am a genius.
Twitter Name: mommygeekology
I second the genius – this is definitely a fantastic plan.
Twitter Name: bestoffates
I declare Caitlin genius of the month, she needs a plaque next to clock somewhere.
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Rule #1 when it comes to eulogies – NEVER have a close relative do it. If you’re asked use the old Oh, I’m grieving much too much to stand up and talk excuse. It works. Sometimes.
And rule #2 – Don’t make Suebob mad. Which is not so much a rule about eulogies as it is a rule about life and death.
Twitter Name: chickybaby
I once went to the funeral of a woman who was a bitch her entire life. Her children got up to say “a few words” and the best that they could come up with was that she made really good chili and Sunday dinners. Geez. I have already told my family that if any body mentions food at my funeral, I will come down and strike them dead. molly
I too went to a funeral of a dick head who spent his LONG life tormenting his family with abuse and a constant drink or strap in his hand.
No eulogy from family members, brief sermon and then the minister acknowledged “He was not an easy man to live with…” to which family members fought hard to not stand up and say just how DAMNED hard it was or stifled giggles at the mild reference. I mean you can’t get up there and say what an asshole he was and how everyone was pretty relieved the guy was dead can you ?! Me thinks this guy was damned lucky his wife even arranged for a service!
My friends and family are under instructions to throw a big party when I die. It is not exactly in line with sitting shiva, but I figure hell there will be a lot of Jews and a lot of food. Why shouldn’t it be a party.
Twitter Name: thejackb
Hey Jess, I’d be happy to sub as your daughter and give the eulogy at your funeral. I’ve had acting classes. But people *might* talk a little given our 6 year age difference.
Twitter Name: allthingsfadra
Wait- parents die? I’m not crossing my fingers or anything.
But wait…you turned out so well. You’re a gorgeous, intelligent, healthy woman. You can only attribute ‘well-adjusted’ to your therapist, the rest is hereditary. How about this, share your appreciation for who she was…not ‘how’ she was? Heh.