How to Fix a Repulsively Stained Toilet Seat When You’re Too Lazy to Leave the House

We moved into a new apartment a couple of months ago, and one of the first things I noticed was that the toilet seat on our new-to-us toilet was old, worn, cheap, and ugly. My own butt balked at the sight of it.
It was likely once a uniformly white seat, but its outer layer of plastic had softened over the years, becoming pitted and yellowed and unattractive. No matter how much I scrubbed that damn thing, it looked like something you would find abandoned in a backwoods outhouse.
My parents-in-law were coming into town for a visit, and while I washed towels and made up their bed and swept the floors, I could not get this stupid toilet seat out of my head. I grew up in an era when toilet seats were a big deal. There were toilet seats in pink and green and yellow to match the colorful toilets of the 1970s. There were toilet seats with pictures of skunks holding their noses on them. There were padded toilet seats. There were toilet seat covers made out of fluffy chenille. Battles between the sexes were waged over whether the seats were left up, left down, or dribbled upon.
I was a woman obsessed.
Of course, though, when I say obsessed, I mean that in a very limited sense. Something had to be done about the toilet seat, but I do not have a car, because cars equal extra stress to me, so I couldn’t drive to a store that sold them, and I was not about to shell out my hard-earned money for a taxi to get one. I may have been overly occupied with the condition of our toilet, but I was not moved enough to expend too much energy getting a new seat, so I scanned my apartment for solutions.
Bleach? We were out of that. White house paint? I imagined it sticking to my mother-in-law’s butt, which was arriving in less than an hour. Sandpaper? We had lost that in the move. And then I was hit by SHEER BRILLIANCE: we did not have sandpaper, but we had knives.
Like a skilled plastic surgeon, I took the sharpest blade I had and shaved that toilet seat’s imperfections down. I chiseled off the yellowed, cracked, pitted, and stained plastic from the surface of our commode’s seat, taking care not to gouge it further. The softened plastic peeled off in revoltingly soft curls that only the cheapest of aged apartment toilet seats could offer. It felt like I was removing years of other people’s butt grunge. Yummy.

yes, that's an old toilet seat you're looking at

Rarely have I felt so satisfied.
Minutes before my parents-in-law arrived, I finished my domestic master work, flourishing the knife over the last of the seat’s edges. While the toilet seat did not gleam, it at least no longer repulsed. 

The butt grunge had been quelled! I reigned victorious! And we all lived happier and less grossed out lives ever after.

The End.
About Schmutzie

Schmutzie can most commonly be found at Schmutzie.com, but she's also the founder of Ninjamatics and the Grace in Small Things social network in her ongoing efforts to make stuff on the internet and spread things that don't suck.

She gets social on Twitter, Facebook, Flickr, and StumbleUpon.

Comments

  1. I feel inspired by this in a very strange way.

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  2. Pretty brilliant, actually.

    But I’m never using a knife in your house.

  3. This is giving me great ideas for other layers of scum I can remove throughout my house.

  4. Marcella Cook says:

    Wow…ingenious and handy to know!

  5. Josefina says:

    I think I’m going to throw up. But hey, way to go!

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  6. Jennifer says:

    I would have bought a new one. Just sayin’…

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  7. ilinap says:

    I buy a new toilet seat for every bathroom in every new place I live. It makes my husband crazy, but I’m anal like that. heh heh

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  8. OMG. I’d be afraid of splinters but I guess that’s a risk you have to take.

    Steph

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  9. Virginia says:

    I probably would have just bought a new one or sent my husband to get a new one. Cause that seems like too much work for a toilet seat.

    If I was in a pinch though with your kind of time restraints I probably would have just taken all the light bulbs out of the bathroom except maybe one and been like oh sorry, ran out of bulbs. Don’t hurt yourself in there!

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  10. I am thoroughly impressed with your toilet seat ingenuity. Also, a chenille seat? That’s just asking for poop particles all over the damn place.

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  11. Lucyna says:

    You forgot to tell us what you did with the knife….

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  12. I am partly grossed out and partly impressed.

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  13. Faiqa says:

    You think that would work with my stove? I have a cream colored range, but I’ve been thinking of getting stainless steel appliances. This might be cheaper… and slightly therapeutic.

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  14. savia says:

    Now I know what to get you for Christmas, Schmutzie.

  15. My toilet seat issues must fall on the other end of the spectrum, because after the Stanley Steemer carpet cleaning guy violated my powder room, I couldn’t run out fast enough to buy a new toilet seat. True story.

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  16. Charisse says:

    Oh wow. That is gross. I am totally in awe of your brilliance!

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  17. Apryl's Antics says:

    Curled shavings of butt-grunge coated plastic. There has to be some kind of use for those.

  18. Mmmm…butt grunge…

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  19. Mrs. Wilson says:

    You are a GENIUS. Pure genius.

    (ps. I hate cars and I hate driving and I’m envious that you do neither.)

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  20. Neil says:

    A real artist would have carved her initials after the work.

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  21. I was thinking that maybe next time you could wrap it up in plastic wrap kinda like those fancy toilet seat protectors in some airports. It’s Christmas soon, maybe you can wrap the seat part in paper and be all festive and what-have-you. Maybe you can create a side business of holiday-inspired disposable toilet seat covers. Or maybe even do custom ones so people can put, say, their ex’s face and … but I digress.

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  22. Ona says:

    My favourite part of your post was actually completely unrelated to the toilet. I loved the fact that you used “parents-in-law” correctly. Such impeccable grammar is hard to come by these days. You get a gold star! :)

    P.S. I think your next step should be to cover the seat in the hide of an endangered animal. A giant panda, perhaps. But it all depends on your bathroom colour-scheme.

  23. Oh jeez. That’s… terrifying, and brilliant, and terrifyingly brilliant.

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  24. mamalang says:

    I don’t know if I laughed harder at the picture of you with the knife, kneeling at the toilet, or the commenters. Pure gold.

  25. Bill says:

    PITTED SEAT – I had a renter that apparently didn’t put the seat up when he pee’d. Well, amazingly, the seat was pitted. Yes, little holes, about the size of the tip of a pencil lead, etched all over the seat – especially in the front… I wouldn’t sit on that thing if I was paid. Amazingly, it was one of the best known name-brand toilet manufacturer’s seat.

    Hey, I won’t sit on a seat in a public restroom. What I do is wipe it off very well with a huge handful of toilet paper, and then, place two of the paper toilet seat covers on the seat before sitting down. If not seat covers are available, I put several layers of toilet paper on the entire seat before I sit down. I won’t even touch the seat, flush handle, or stall lock without a big wad of toilet paper in my hand…

    Also, never, never, never open the public restroom door with your hands. Going in or out, wait for some one to follow, so you don’t have to touch it. When leaving, you can keep a paper towel in your hand, if they supply them, so you don’t have to touch the door. A last resort is to push the door open with your foot, or, get a wad of toilet paper so you can pull it open. Just drop the toilet paper or towel on the floor by the door – the establishment will eventually get the message that they need to have a refuse receptacle by the door…

Trackbacks

  1. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Anissa Mayhew, Schmutzie. Schmutzie said: Me at Aiming Low: How to Fix a Repulsively Stained Toilet Seat When You’re Too Lazy to Leave the House – http://bit.ly/g4UeeT [...]

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