Despite my lack of Christmas spirit, I’ve been in the habit of writing holiday update letters to send out to friends and family for the better part of the last decade. This started as a modest undertaking, but over time has become a bit of a competition between my current self and previous years’ selves, to pack as much information, humor, and incisive social commentary as possible into two pages of single-spaced, 8-point sans serif.
Last year’s letter was as elaborate and dense as a mail-order fruitcake, and probably devoured with just as much enthusiasm by its recipients.
It doesn’t bother me much when I hear the usual yuletide complaints about the boring and boastful letters that families churn out and thrust upon their loved ones like the latest issue of Watchtower, because I thrive on the ten or twelve compliments I receive each year when I bump into people on our holiday mailing list, now well over a hundred strong.
Despite a seemingly universal disdain for the genre, there are actually a number of people who relish a well-crafted family newsletter, and the affirmation of these these enlightened souls is enough to keep me on task. (It may also surprise you to know that approximately 13% of Americans truly love fruitcake, according to a recent JOMA* study.)
So far, every volume of the Beta family non-denominational-holiday-greeting-and-end-of-year-reflection missive has followed a chronological structure. Thus, I usually start the writing process by scribbling some notes about the year’s events in the order in which they occurred. In past years, I have had to cut out a lot of material in order to squeeze everything onto one sheet (front and back) of cheery, secular, winter holiday-themed stationary.
But this year was different.
The big events took up approximately one medium-sized Post-It note.
“What the fuck have we done all year?” I asked my wife.
The ensuing conversation revealed that we have, in fact, done a lot of nothing. Like a really, really, whole, big, all-consuming mass of nothing-much-worth-mentioning. And yet, as the holiday photo accompanying the letter testifies, we are very tired.
It turns out that the last year has been consumed by minutiae, and what notable events there were have been confined geographically to an unprecedented extent. Aside from a one-week vacation in Montana–which was uneventful in the best possible way–we have hardly wandered outside of our zip code.
In contrast, skimming the letters from years past reveals a pattern of adventurous globetrotting. 2006′s letter alone includes tales from trips to Argentina, Vietnam, and Hawaii. The archives also feature descriptions of a range of interests and passions, from skiing, surfing, and biking to yoga, kung fu (Dr. Mom) and classical guitar (me).
Those things have been conspicuously absent from our lives in the last year, and it’s not much of a shock to learn that they have been pushed aside by the demands of our twin toddlers. This is their second Christmas ex utero; but 2010 has been our first full year as parents, and the scale of excitement has been diminished, at least from the perspective of people who don’t live in our house.
Even though we were parents for part of last year, and therefore boring by definition, the 2009 holiday letter was full of excitement: PREGNANCY! EMERGENCY HOME ADDITION! CHILDBIRTH! ETC!
But this year, we have settled down into domestic…hmm…not tranquility, exactly…but routine certainly.
There is heart-stopping excitement every day, to be sure, but not the kind that translates well into casual conversation, much less pithy reportage. The death-defying adventures on the staircase, the triumphs and defeats in the family room, the breakthroughs in the booster seat: they’re too numerous and indistinguishable to mention. They’re old hat for other parents on the mailing list, and mind-numbing for those who still read Outside Magazine as something more than nostalgic lifestyle porn.
First steps, first words–sure, those are worth reporting. But how do you decide which of a thousand equally amazing moments–which are amazing only to you–to share in your annual letter?
So this year’s holiday wrap-up is much simpler than those from the past: essentially bullet points about where we went and who came to visit. Exactly the kind of boring family newsletter that has spawned such full-throated mockery from its detractors. (Hmm…maybe I should have written it in the voice of our toddlers: “Hewwo, my name is Cobwa, and I wuv my mommy and daddy.” Cute, right? Damn it. I wish I would have thought of that before I hit “print.”)
*I‘m obliged to disclose that my wife, Dr. Mom, is the founder and editor-in-chief of JOMA (Journal Of My Ass). It was originally conceived of as a medical journal to which she could refer when caught making an intentionally preposterous diagnosis of some freeloading relative’s mysterious ailment, but now has expanded to provide evidence for unlikely claims that might come in handy in an argument on any subject. While unavailable in print or online formats, it can be accessed readily by wishing really hard for something to be true.
***
Looking at the collection of Christmas cards from our friends this year, I was once again reminded of what I think is a troubling trend. More than half of the cards we received that included family photographs did not feature the parents in the picture.
This bothers me for two reasons. First, it suggests that once someone has kids, they surrender their own identity completely, and become nothing more than the parents of little Brittney. Secondly, I’ve never met the kids of half the people we get cards from, so we have a mantle full of glamor shots of what are to me a bunch of little strangers. I understand the urge to substitute your kids’ images for yours, especially if they are, as in my case, a bazillion times more photogenic than you; but c’mon–there’s still something left of that guy I used to party with in college, right? I want to see what that looks like.
What do you guys think?
About BetaDad
I voted my husband and I out of our Christmas card this year so it was just our two kids. While I figured everyone probably wanted to see us too and it later dawned on me I sent cards to people on each sides of our family where the recipient didn’t know what our spouse actually looked like and hadn’t seen the one of us they’re related to in over a decade.
This year it was just easier to take a picture of the kids only than try to work it it around hubs increadibly busy work schedule and then there was the fact that I didn’t want to get all dressed up and ready (which of course takes me the longest) and then only have to look that way for 30 minutes tops. So kids it was. Maybe next year our familys will get to see us.
Twitter Name: unknwndreamer
Hmm…I hadn’t really thought about that as a reason to eliminate parents from the pics. But you’re right, it’s incredibly difficult to get a good shot of the family including kids and parents, even in the best circumstances.
Still, if you’re gonna bother with photos, I want to see YOU. (Even if it’s a ten year old shot from when you used to run triathlons.)
Twitter Name: betadad
I loved your Christmas photo and letter. This is the first one I have received from you so I have nothing to compare it to. But I remember the Andy who helped chaperone a bunch of 8th graders on the East Coast trip and insisted in only taking a back pack AND accepting the challenge of carrying the first aid kit in there too.
The “post babies” Andy is a different guy in that he has new milestones to report on. This Christmas card does an excellent job of chronicling the sweet new journey you’re traveling as you experience the million once-in-a-lifetime events that happen with your family everyday.
Now maybe today’s blog’s intent was to get people’s response to your Christmas letter or maybe it was a half hearted apology for not having a more “exciting” life to talk about. Whatever. As one of your faithful followers I read your blogs because of your wonderful”voice” and the pleasure of witnessing the subtle shift of you and your family growing and changing. It’s your changing awareness and learning to accomodate two brand new humans just beginning their lives that I think is a wonderfully exciting journey.
Haha…that field trip was one of the highlights of my high school teaching career, and one of the only things that ever made me consider staying in the field. Such great kids, and a great group of chaperones.
Thanks for the nice review of my letter. I hope it doesn’t seem like I’m trying to drum up responses to it, because that would be lame (and impractical, since very few Aiming Low readers will have read it). If anything, I used the letter to pimp my blog. (Which is also lame.)
Twitter Name: betadad
Dude,
I bet your newsletters are better than the ones I use to get. I got one from a gal who was our Avon lady? remember that defunct business? She didn’t know me and had the nerve to send me a newsletter xmas card? She talked about what every frickin’ member of her family did and naturally it was all good news.. bragged about her son having high ambition, talked about how well her hubby’s train collection is ( bfd)., and bragged about herself..
those types of newsletters I am not interested in.. cuz if u have to brag about talent, then there must not be any??
I also will bet money that your newsletters are news worthy, funny, and most of all honest…
The older I get the less cards I get, I guess its because after sending out cards for 30 years we all get a bit tired? Also doesn’t it seem the holidays get closer and closer so by the time we do think of cards, the holiday is shot?
Twitter Name: c. peterson
Ding-dong…Avon calling.
Yeah, I remember that. Except at our house it was Mary Kay, which I guess has survived. Our bathroom were full of little pink jars and tubes, and even some brown ones, when they dabbled in men’s products.
I agree: it’s one thing to send a nice card to a client or business associate, but the full family newsletter is over the top.
Regarding your last point–yeah, the holidays are already gone before I’m ready for them. My letter never gets mailed before Christmas Eve. We still have a few to put in the box.
Twitter Name: betadad
I didn’t get any letters this year and I sort of missed them. Even if they are full of hum-drivel, I still like to read them :)
Twitter Name: mommygeekology
I think we got fewer than usual this year, and so did the relatives we visited over Christmas. I wonder if more people are just posting their greetings on facebook or via email. But I agree: as much as I critique and bitch about people’s cards and letters, it’s still nice to get a physical object that someone has taken the trouble to send.
And here’s another thing I forgot to complain about: people who send the photo card or whatever, and don’t even bother to sign it, much less include a personal message. Why even bother?
Twitter Name: betadad
The trick is to look medium to long-term with your Yule-letters, and see them as a period of dormancy, in which you’re patiently observing all the ways that your children are above average — because next year when they reach some developmental milestone early, you’ll want to seize on that and chronicle it in the subsequent Yule-letter with double-barreled adjectives.
Good strategy! There’s no time like Christmas to be competitive about parenting!
I did manage to slip in a passing reference to Twin B’s ability to say “shoes” in 3 languages. And I’m pretty sure I masterfully did so without sounding braggy. If I do say so myself.
Twitter Name: betadad
We got a Christmas card and newsletter this year comprised completely of news and photos of the kids, only this one came from the grandma! And there was no mention at all of her or of her son and daughter-in-law, the kids’ parents! Word is, she’s lost her mind a little in grandmommyhood, she’s a little confused about who’s the mommy. This is off-track and venty, but my point is, kids are cute but I also want to see how fat my friends have gotten so I don’t feel so bad about myself. Is that too much to ask?
Exactly! Submit yourself as the object of your friends’ schadenfreude, people! It’s Christmas, for crying out loud.
My parents sent out a letter this year, and they only dedicated about 20% to bragging about the twins. It seemed appropriate to me.
Twitter Name: betadad
I enjoyed this year’s letter, and had been mentally comparing it to the two (?) I’d received before. I could not agree more about how annoying it is not to see parents in the pictures; I received one from a friend of her two teenage daughters in B&W, with a black bow on top. This from a very blonde woman in Texas who has one of the bubbliest personalities of anyone I’ve ever met. Two people saw it on my counter and said, Oh my god, did her daughters die or something? This is horrible! I feel so bad for her! But her daughters are just fine, and she was just too vain to get in the shot.
As for people who send a photo and don’t even sign it, well that came up with the Texas pal again. I gave up on holiday cards a couple years ago after the ex and I split. We’d buy extremely detailed ones that invariably required extra postage on arrival (or something equally embarrassing), but our list of recipients is around 12. Maybe I’ll write something about the past year for New Year’s and print it on plain paper. Or Facebook. As a married father of gorgeous twins you know to be grateful for little things you might not consider interesting to others, because my year was kind of cruddy and I doubt people want to hear about my travels, dog’s travails, or similar stuff.
I did notice that Dr. Mom addressed my envelope, which amused me. Anyway, Happy new year to you and all your crew.
I love the idea of the deathy Christmas card. Maybe next year we’ll do a nice gloomy emo shot.
Dr. Mom addressed all the envelopes because we didn’t have the right paper to print out labels, and I am truly embarrassed by my childish scrawl. I hate the signing and messaging part of the whole process for only that reason, but I do it anyway because it would be lame not to.
Twitter Name: betadad
After looking at all the holiday cards we got this year from people with kids, my husband commented as follows: “well, like us, it looks like all the other parents didn’t manage to shower before deciding to take the pictures so we only got pictures of their kids”. That, is why we didn’t include ourselves in our holiday card this year – the set up for the picture was thrown together in a hurry on the eve of 12/12 and uploaded to shutterfly in a panic (gosh damn our sucky internet connection!!). When it was just 1 kid, our pictures were nicely done and included us and (one year) our dogs. This year with 2 tots, everything was last minute. It also explains why I’m still hand addressing all the envelopes even though last year I typed everything up (new printer not set up and again, couldn’t get it together to get it done before the cards had to go out). I’m hoping to improve next year.
Pam
P.S. I agree with everything you said about the personal note – I think it’s kinda lame not to, but I can’t be bothered with it because 1) my handwriting is awful and 2) after awhile I don’t know what to say and I take care of the mailing for even those that go to my husband’s family/friends.
per usual, well done, BD.
however, we disagree on a basic when it comes to holiday cards. you write:
Looking at the collection of Christmas cards from our friends this year, I was once again reminded of what I think is a troubling trend. More than half of the cards we received that included family photographs did not feature the parents in the picture.
could be a southern thing, but of the 100+ cards we received you’ll probably only find 5 that have pics of the parents. and one reason why Caroline and I prefer them that way (both for mine as well as ones I received)? it’s encompassed in what you wrote w/ regard to why you con’t like them:
Secondly, I’ve never met the kids of half the people we get cards from
i would say, exactly! that’s why getting cards w/ pics of my friends’ kids is so great! b/c i’ve not met the majority of them (if they live out of town, that is). and even if i have met them, odds are i’ve not seen them for a while, so it’s good to see what they look like.
but we are on the same page when it comes to the mailer update deals within Christmas cards. though i don’t write one myself, i love getting them. i only received two such efforts this year.
Happy New Year, buddy…
Twitter Name: johncaveosborne
Thanks, John! And Happy New Year to you and yours as well!
I think our area of disagreement is pretty narrow. I don’t NOT want to see people’s kids. I want to see them AND their kids. I would find it even weirder if a couple with children sent just a picture of themselves.
Twitter Name: betadad
I offer a service whereby I will write all of your letters. Or rather, I’ll put together the boilerplate for you. All you have to do is enter the name, sign the card and address the envelopes. Of course you provide me with the names/ages of your kids and I do the rest.
Dear Family/Friend,
“As you know 2010 was a great year for our family. In January we climbed the K2. It was quite an experience and I am pleased to say that we were able to adopt our Sherpa guide, Tenzing. I have included pix for you to look at, unfortunately due to a blizzard the photos of us didn’t come out so well.
Blah, blah, blah, kids are good, we miss you…blah, blah, blah, exaggerate some more etc.
With all of our love and hope that we see you soon (not really, ok just kidding)
Your family
Really, it is a lot of fun creating these letters and I have a ton of options to choose from, such as the FB letter.
Dear Family,
Here is a snapshot of my Facebook statuses from the past year. It will tell you all you need to know, including a lot you don’t such as what I had for breakfast 287 days of the year.
Got to run now, fruitcake is calling.
Twitter Name: thejackb
Hahaha…how much do you charge for that service? Can you photoshop our faces into figures engaged in heroic adventures? Expect an email from me around Thanksgiving of 2011.
Twitter Name: betadad
My problem with the photo cards (which we also used this year) is that they’re not decorative. It used to be you’d get cards with filigreed snowflakes and red velvet santas and trees with gold leaf ornaments you could hang in your house as seasonal decorations. Now, just glossy pics of strangers whose margins are adorned by flat and wholly unremarkable christmas trees. Boring.
As far as the pics including the adults over the kids, I don’t care. You probably look much worse than you did in college which reminds me, so do I.
Twitter Name: Homemakerman
Last year I did a pic of the kid only on the Christmas card, but only because he was wearing a super cute outfit that said “Dear Santa, I can Explain” and I mean, come on, how do you not love that?
That year was the exception however, as every other year, including this year, I’ve done the full family photo.
I agree with the “hard to get everyone together” picture, so this years card had three pictures, middle one, a self portrait with all three of us, you know to prove we actually like each other ;) and the two on either side, are nice (ish) ones of me and the boy, and my husband and the boy. I figure if we don’t have one nice good one, the addition of three mediocre ones should make up for it right?
Twitter Name: JackieSTaylor
I actually agree with you that the trend of putting kids only on the holiday cards is troubling. However, that’s exactly what I did. It was our Baby Bear’s first Christmas, and most of our family (and some close friends) hadn’t seen him since he was four months old (he’s 9 and 1/2 months old now). We had been sick, so on Dec. 19th I rushed to put him in something cute, posed him in front of the tree, and uploaded the pictures to make our card. We sent it to only family and close friends.
Next year I hope to plan ahead a bit, and actually get a picture of the three of us. After all, holidays are about family and we should include all three of us on the card!
I agree with you – even though I only put pictures of my kids in my card this year. If we had had one family photo I had actually liked I swear I would have used it. But as I put my little collage together, I had to choose between an okay one of the family and an adorable one of the the two older kids hugging. No contest.
Twitter Name: triplezmom
Funny post. I have never written a letter like this, and hadn’t really planned to, but now after reading this post, and annually being amused by the lameness and randomness of my Grandma’s obligatory newsletter, I may have to start next year. My twins will be two in January, so, like you, lots to talk about, but not lots to talk about that anyone other than my mother would want to read about. Maybe that will be the content of next year’s letter.
Twitter Name: lickthefridge
I like to see pictures of the parents so that I know they’re as old and tired as I am.
Twitter Name: DTKMMeLookCrazy
Here are two things I hate about Christmas photo cards/newsletters: 1) Photos of kids with no parents and 2) photo cards with no handwriting on them–just an impersonal photo card stuffed in an envelope. I’m not sure what the point of those are since there isn’t any sentiment in that envelope. But you sent a photo card with pictures of everyone in your family AND you wrote two sentences at the bottom of the newsletter addressed to ME. You know what that means? You’re still on my holiday newsletter list!
And, here I am, fashionably late.
I love the reminder to include ourselves (Hubster + moi) in our photos. Also, JOMA. Love that, too.
. i loved this post so much. you read my mind!