Holidays are rough and out of all the holidays Christmas is probably the toughest to get through. The shopping, the decorating, the shopping, the baking, the cooking, the shopping, the wrapping, the relatives, the mutha-effing SHOPPING… It’s enough to make a relatively… Okay sort of… Kind of..? on a good day with proper medication and a steady wine supply otherwise sane woman go bat guano crazy. So steps must be taken to retain the last precious shreds of mental fortitude. You know, so you have the presence of mind not to hit your mother-in-law in the back of the skull with a Honey Baked Ham after she’s criticized your green bean casserole making skills. Again.
And that’s why I have a fake tree.
But Tania, you’re no doubt saying to yourself, you can’t have a fake tree. There’s a real possibility they release harmful chemicals into the air. They’re not biodegradable. They’re UGLY. And (ignoring those first two points completely) to that I say – Nay! My faux tree is bee-ooo-tee-ful. It has fooled everyone who has come into my home. I don’t have to spend precious time in a cold tree lot – or worse, a cut-your-own tree farm *shudder* – trying to find the perfectly shaped, perfectly sized tree and fork over a percentage of my kids’ college fund to pay for it. And rarely do I have to vacuum up any, never mind millions, of pine needles, which I might add saves much energy and, therefore, the environment. I win.
Also, when little hands start grabbing ornaments? The ornaments tend to stay on the tree. Those chemical-leaching, plastic branches are grabby, I tell ya.
So for eleven months out of the year I recycle like a mad woman. I conserve water. I turn off lights when I leave a room. I cut the plastic rings from my six-pack of Schlitz tonic water before throwing them away. But for thirty days out of the year (shut up) please let me have my fake plastic tree.
Otherwise, the next time my mother-in-law says anything about my parenting skills I’m liable to be swinging for the fences.
About ChickyBaby
I thought I was the only one that hit people with hams!
(I also have a fake tree. It’s white- which means it’s like, retro & kitschy & shit).
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
A white tree?? I’m plotzing over here.
And hams work better for their sheer blunt force and because they don’t fall apart like a turkey does. So I’ve been told.
Twitter Name: chickybaby
I don’t WTH a plotz is but I have a feeling you’re straight up hatin’ on the idea of a white tree. Look at this & tell me it’s not awesome: http://nattymichelle.blogspot.com/2009/11/dreaming-of-white-christmastree.html
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
Plotz = “From Yiddish, to fall down from extreme excitement or abhorrence.” (via Urban Dictionary)
Dude, I want a white tree so much now I can’t stand it.
Twitter Name: chickybaby
Plotz! I love it! Thank you for educating me. From urban dictionary no less!
White trees are the shit, yo.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
Can I presume you have aromatic candles in the room – in “Christmas Tree” scent – to help perfect the delusion?
Sorry. I meant to say “illusion.” Typo.
Twitter Name: twobusy
Well, duh. Of course I have the candles. *eye roll*
Twitter Name: chickybaby
Dude, where did you find that tree?! I want one. We have a fake one but it fails to impress. C’mon now. SHARE!
Twitter Name: mommygeekology
Well, if you want to be REALLY cool, you can find a vintage one at an antique store. But if you want to be REALLY lame (like me), you can find one (pre-lit) at…ahem… WalMart or most big box stores.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
Love a fake tree. We saved ours from the trash in 2001 and had every intention of replacing it over the years. Now we where our fake tree loving proudly!
Twitter Name: juliaroberts1
Fly yo’ fake tree freak flag, gurl.
Twitter Name: chickybaby
As a kid I thought real trees were the shizz, there was no other way to go.
As a mother/ adult, real tree be damned. Fake all the way!
I do have one issue with my fake tree though, after sitting in a box for 11 months the branches get smushed down and it takes me at least a week to get it all properly fluffed back up and not look like a reject tree from the back lot.
Twitter Name: unknwndreamer
My husband takes much joy in calling me the Tree Fluffer. Look it up. :)
Twitter Name: chickybaby
*raises hand* total fake tree owner!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Ham buyer, too!
Twitter Name: Anissa Mayhew
Christmas and pork products go together like… Christmas and pork products.
Twitter Name: chickybaby
I too, am a fake tree owner. it’s the biggest, bushiest, most beautiful tree you’ve ever seen! it takes about 4 LONG strands of lights. I kind of hate it. Next time, I’m going for one of those tall, skinny trees. With lights already attached
Twitter Name: lucynamackay
I have the pre-lit kind. It’s AWESOME.
Twitter Name: chickybaby
I am a real tree girl. It’s the smell. I adore the smell.
My grandma had the most beautiful fake tree. Six foot tall monster it was. Gorgeous though. But I still like my real one.
Twitter Name: Issascrazyworld
Please by all means have your real tree. I will keep my fake tree. And I will be happier.
;)
Twitter Name: chickybaby
Fake tree owner here, for allergy reasons mostly, but also for all the reasons already mentioned. I had one for like 10 years, then 4 years ago got a new one. I keep them as long as I keep a car usually, so I figure I am offsetting the ecology factor just from sheer length of time of ownership. And that white tree is WHITE. Wow white. Dazzling.
Twitter Name: midlyfemama
You win the green wars!
Twitter Name: chickybaby
I actually think that I can make a fairly good argument for my fake tree being environmentally friendly. Ours has celebrated 13 Christmases with us so far. It’s a bit lop-sided now with age but I figure that we can eke out at least another year or two (maybe more) before we need to look at replacing it. That is 13-15+ natural trees that were not cut down to hang out in my living room for a month before being thrown out (or mulched).
BTW – I’d keep the tree forever if it were silver! But no such luck – regular old green for us.
Twitter Name: lactivistleans
I spoke too soon – YOU win the green wars. DiCaprio has nothing on you.
Twitter Name: chickybaby
I would love to have a fake tree but the husband insists that we get a real one every flipping year. I think its because not only am I allergic to real trees (as long as they don’t smell too piney or I don’t touch them I am okay) but I am also allergic to fake trees. Each time I touch a fake tree I get a crazy rash. He doesn’t get that I would rather get a crazy rash than vacuum up millions of flipping pine needles and finally toss that stupid tree out of my house sometime in mid January because he doesn’t take it down.
Twitter Name: DExtraordinaire
Damn husbands.
This is what you’re going to do: 1. Scoop up thousands of pine needles, 2. Sprinkle needles liberally on his side of the bed or on the seat of his car, 3. Feel vindicated, 4. Buy fake tree next year.
Twitter Name: chickybaby
I bought a fake purple tree today – made of feathers !!!!
Twitter Name: kimt205
I need a picture. Now.
Twitter Name: chickybaby
I wouldn’t give up my plastic tree for anything. Mine has the lights built in because I’m lazy like that.
Twitter Name: whatcausesthat
Mine does too! And it is sprinkled with awesome.
Twitter Name: chickybaby
Dude, I’m like SUPERGREENMOM and we, too, have a fake tree. We’ve had it forever and it seems like getting rid of it would actually be LESS green so we keep using it. I’ve trained the kids not to suck on the branches or snuggle up to it too much so it’s all good.
Twitter Name: Izzymom
You know, the Christmas tree industry is one of the most NON-environmentally friendly industries that actually produces a “natural” product. At least, this was told to me by my friend who owns a Christmas tree lot. So I say fake-tree-it-up! People are lying anyway when they tell themselves they can smell their real tree. It doesn’t smell like pine-sol after you get it out of your car. In the house, it doesn’t smell at all. It’s the truth.
I found myself wanting to hit my ex MIL with a honey baked ham many times and it had nothing to do with the holidays, I can promise you that
Well after reading your post and all the comments I am really feeling like I need a fake tree. I am torn… I HATE going tromping through the you cut farms in the cold wet rain of Washington state looking for the perfect tree – here it comes – BUT – something inside of me tells me I must do it this way or else! I don’t know what or else will be, but somehow I am reluctant to give in and find out. I just need to keep reading more posts that describe how EASY my life would be if I would just break down and buy the fake one….
Twitter Name: thesecondset
I wanted (for some unknown, possibly alcohol induced reason) a real, cut from a farm Christmas tree this year. I had this vision of our little family, prancing thru the snow, finding the perfect Christmas tree to cut and bring home and happy decorate , roaring fire in the background as “Silver Bells plays… Then I realized, we live in Florida, it doesn’t snow here and we don’t have a fire place, Christmas trees come from the store, packaged in a happy cardboard box (PRE-LIT BABY!) and my son and husband wouldn’t help me decorate the tree if my legs were broken.
Oh well, guess i’ll have another Margarita.
Twitter Name: JessNSB