1. Go to local grocery store to buy a ham.
2. Get to store and realize you’re Jewish and have no clue what constitutes a good ham.
3. Decide to leave because you are having Christians over for Christmas Eve dinner and you don’t want to blow this one considering these particular Christians are your new boyfriend and his two sons.
4. Call Christian boyfriend and present him with your dilemma.
5. As per Christian boyfriend’s suggestion, head on over to Honeybaked Hams, a store that is located less than a mile from your home but which you have never visited in the 13 years you have lived there.
6. Enter Honeybaked Hams like you’ve just stepped onto the planet Mars.
7. While waiting in line, turn to the goyim-looking person standing behind you for help. Tell him you are a Jew, how you have never been to the store before, how your non-Jewish boyfriend is coming for Christmas Eve dinner with his kids and you are nervous and have no clue what to ask for and above all make sure not to notice or care that he clearly would rather be any place else in the world than standing next to you at that very moment or frankly, ever.
8. When the woman behind the unhelpful annoyed goyim, chimes in and tells you to get the maple glazed, make sure to thank her profusely and then offer to have her over one night for a ham dinner making sure the annoyed goyim knows he will not be receiving an invitation even though you don’t exactly say that or actually say anything, for that matter.
9. Purchase the 7 pound ham as you simultaneously feel the rumble of all your dead relatives rolling in their graves.
10. On the way out, stop and touch the display of what turns out to be fake food because you just had to know.
11. Return home. Serve ham at room temperature or whatever temperature it is after the caterer arrives with all the side dishes.
About Jessica Bern
Love it! As a food writer/Jew married to an Italian-American, for the last 2 years I’ve been the designated chef at my ILs’ Christmas meal. Making that first year’s roast loin of pork was every bit as bizarre as what you describe–it’s amazing how alien a piece of protein can feel. Though the candied bacon from last year’s brunch made up for it ;)
Twitter Name: debbieharry
Jesus is a big fan of honey baked ham. He told me.
Twitter Name: robinplemmons
Ah, I would have suggested you serve him MOT food. If he gave you a funny look, you could do the WWJD thing and say that he was also an MOT so this is like comfort food.
Twitter Name: thejackb
haha, that’s pretty awesome. I like the way you roll.
Twitter Name: mommygeekology
Okay, that is a pretty freaking hilarious story. Loved it. We goyims take our ham pretty serious. Don’t get me started on bacon.
Twitter Name: motherbumper
Ham it up, baby! All for love.
Oh my, Honey Baked is high end. Next time, but any old spiral cut honey ham at the grocery store. You cannot mess it up, I promise. All you do is heat it up- for about 1/4 the price. Just saying.
Twitter Name: Lela Davidson
You are hilarious. Oh, and what time is dinner exactly? I’ll be there early…
OY!!